It never ceases to amaze me how usefulness and purpose are such wonderful cures. I don't like huge chunks of time doing nothing because this dog can think too much.

I hope, no matter what I achieve in life, that I will never lose my sense of purpose and will keep striving to achieve my goals. I want to be the best dog I can be and that takes hard work. Life has been good to me and I love my life, but a life without meaning is worth nothing at all.

“The way to give your life meaning is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

A lot of people wrote lovely messages to cheer me back to happiness. It was amazing, but some of you were worried that Clare was sad because another relationship had finished. Good grief! That can be a source of relief as well you know. It's not always a bad thing.

No, Craig is still here and they're still smiling which is a good sign.  But your concerns got me thinking. I realised that romantic relationships are not everything. There are so many different types of relationships and we can be good at some and not so great at others.

Friendships with girls are usually different than friendships with boys, and there are work relationships, and family relationships, and old ones and new ones. Then there's Paul and Clare, still going strong, and happy and healthy, after 17 years together. If that's not a success I don't know what is!

The main thing to remember is that relationships are the yoga of the west. They enable us to grow and learn, make mistakes, and give us insights and understandings into our character. It doesn't matter how long they last or who ends them, every relationship teaches us something.

So everyone here is happy. Paul is back from Miami, where he met up with Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson (as you will know if you spotted them on TMZ outside The Ivy). Before that, he spoke about his book at a big event, where he followed Ted Turner who I'm told was fascinating and charismatic. Ted's new book comes out the same time as Paul's in the USA. Now there's a man with a purpose!

“I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth, I will apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.”

Clare Staples is the author of the book Everything I Know About Men I Learnt From My Dog. You can read more about her here. She is also Paul McKenna's manager. Clare and Paul are currently enjoying success in the US with Paul's hit reality TV show I Can Make You Thin.

I had hitherto always derided the programme once the freak show was over. It's still my favourite part, for the early mix of no-hopers, all of whose parents undoubtedly think they are wonderful. Broadly speaking, these hilarious types can be split into two categories: the chancers and the disasters.

The Chancers are an innocent enough group. The kind of unemployed, unemployable naif who either just has the time to hang around all day at the Birmingham NEC and audition - trying to pull Britain's potential next big thing along the way - and realise they don't have an Iranian kleptomaniac stripper's chance of getting through to the next round, or socially sensitive types who are doing it for a dare or maybe just want to insult the judges. There are also those priceless chancers who, when they sing into the bathroom mirror, hear something very different through the filter of optimism and say to themselves: 'Maybe I CAN do this. Maybe I will be the ONE. Perhaps my voice will shine out and people will look past the toothless grin and dandruff and see that I am talented'. But they're not, at least not for becoming a teenie pop star. At least they're not so conceited that they are unpleasant - just deluded.

Then there are the disasters - the teenage trainwrecks - princess roadkill and her petulant little sisters - little Mr acne-wank and his bryl-creamed assistants. These are the ones who elicit the most unadulterated cringe, the pure pity and abject loathing combined to make you want to turn off the TV but, agog, you do not... These are the ones whose very own parents have whipped them up into stiff-peaked meringues of self-deception. These are the ones truly to feel sorry for.

But the freak show is over - and the live shows are about to begin. So what is there left to enjoy? Well, for one thing, there is the cliche-ometer in my front room. Otherwise known as my acerbic wit, this device allows me to revel, wriggle and otherwise downright cavort with pleasure at the frequency of the use of the word 'dream':

"But will her dream come true?"

"I just want to stop dreaming and start living my dream"

"I dream of dreaming about the dream that is my dream"

"Dream, dream, dream...dream, dream, dream, dream, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream, dream, dream."

Then there's the oh-so-cunning reverse psychology employed with varying degrees of subtlety by the judges. Basically, any 'news' that starts to appear negative of course turns out to be positive, and vice versa. I'm just waiting for one of the judges to say: "Well, the bad news is....that you've failed and we're sending you home to be shot by a trained vet..." Only to call the (let's face it - they're always crying) contestant back with a loud hailer as they are boarding the plane to tell them that they've automatically won the whole show.

Or another nice twist on the usual: a contestant who, when asked by the zen-like Dermot: "What does winning this mean to you?" To reply: "Well, I'm not actually all that bothered. It's really eating into my time on the allotment."

So - should you encourage your little one to take the plunge and enter X Factor? Only if they just desperately need to get out of the house, have serious talent, or are imbued with a wicked sense of irony. Preferably all three. Oh, and if they've had their tear ducts welded shut. I know I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...

That said I did manage to catch a few unmissable treats. The first was the return of the eagerly awaited third season on US hit Heroes. After a lacklustre second season weakened by The Writers Strike, the show was back with a bang. Picking up right where we left off, the Heroes timeline was dramatically expanded with darker versions of our favourite characters emerging, reflecting the sinister ‘Villians’ header for the new volume. Although reality seems to be a thing of the past, the show definitely is not in danger of jumping the shark just yet, providing you accept that no one can ever die, it really is compulsive viewing. With so many questions yet to be answered and many more being asked, the biggest show to come out of the states in the last few years is back asserting its presence as one of the finest TV shows around.

Also back on our screens last week was the long running music show Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Despite Bill Bailey being absent the show was still on top form. Amstell's quick wit was a sharp as ever and the irreverent nature of the show remained unhinged by the departure of the popular comedian as team captain. The only disappointment was Mark Ronson as guest team captain against Phil Jupitus. He was no where near as engaging or funny as he should have been and was the only weak link in the programme. We can only hope that the future guest captains will improve, or a show which has amassed 22 seasons may disappear from our screens. Despite this negative aspect, it did provide my highlight of the week - A small little tribute to the great Bill Bailey to 'No Air'. Watch Below.

Finally it was the big non reveal of the final 12 X Factor contestants on Sunday. Eagled eyed fans will no the official list was published a week previous, much to the annoyance of Simon Cowell. As always we were faced with a bunch of emotional wrecks hoping for the dream break, (the one they have been dreaming about for their entire life - or in some of the cases just a few years) but despite the water works, you still had to watch. One thing is for sure the Saturday Night TV battle has well and truly started with Strictly Come Dancing well into its stride on BBC1. In case you live in a whole the X Factor finalists are listed below.

Boys (Simon Cowell) Austin Drage Eoghan Quigg Scott Bruton
Girls (Cheryl Cole) Alexandra Burke Diana Vickers Laura White
Over 25s (Dannii Minogue) Daniel Evans Rachel Hylton Ruth Lorenzo
Groups (Louis Walsh) Bad Lashes Girlband JLS

I am sad. I am sad because I hate my parents. I am sad because I have never been in love. I am sad because I am still in my early twenties and I can’t bare to think about how much longer I have to live. I am sad because the people around me measure happiness in very different units from me.

I am sad because when I wake in the mornings all I want to do is cry. I am sad because when I leave the house, the safest place that I can think of being is in my bed---and so I retreat back into my little shell, as quickly as I can.

I am sad because my feelings are limited by syntax and grammar. I am sad because I cannot use them to their best effect. I am sad because of the state of our political affairs. I am sad because most of us don’t care or even want to care about what goes on in parliament or Congress. Quite frankly, I am sad because I like living in a world, where crazy conservatives like Sarah Palin exist. I am sad because for better or for worse, I like hating her.  And, I am sad because I don’t actually give a shit what anyone does behind those closed doors of the political arena. Yes, I am sad, yes, I am sad.

I am sad because I don’t want to have to retreat to the modern ills of psychiatry or even the more ancient practices of shock therapy (which I know is still practiced in some parts of the world).

I am sad because I have to be defined by my sexuality, my love for a human being is bound and limited to my sexual organs, desires—that I cannot control, are products of the dysfunctional and poorly placed synapses in my brain.

Writing this, it makes me a bit happier. To share this, means a lot actually. Although, I still feel like a sad that I have had to resort to the least revered form of literature: the online blog. Never having been able to finish a book or script or even a play.

I am sad because People older than me hark: you are still in your twenties; the WORLD, it is your oyster! But what they don’t realise is that living in your twenties is no longer a happy place. It is No longer a happy place for me or for my friends or for anyone that I know for a matter of fact.

Yes, I am sad because I do not know what I want to do today or tomorrow. I am sad because the only things that make me happy are reality TV shows. I am sad because Simon Cowell is my idol and not Barack Obama. I am sad because I live in a time when Noel Edmond’s opinion seems to matter more than that of Nelson Mandella or any other leader for that matter. Yes, I am sad. I am sad. I am sad.

I am sorry that I have to be sad. I never meant to upset anyone with it. But in this day and age, it seems quite frowned upon, despite, the likes of our dearest ambassador, Stephen Fry. Our collective sadness seems to be a talking point for all but a day and than descends, into unconsciousness.

I am sad about a lot of things really. I am sad that Cheryl Cole is so loved by the British nation. Instead, I wish she would go back to beating people up in public toilets. I am sad that Simon hasn’t learned from his X Factor experience and is letting a fourth judge onto American Idol. Yes, I am sad, I am sad, I am sad.

I am sad that I am not a Jew, since all of them seem to love each other so much. I wake up everyday hoping that I’ll fall in love with one. I do, after all, posses a very convincing white man’s fro! This is something that doesn’t make me feel so sad.

But then again, I am sad because I eat so much chocolate cake, especially when I am so ready to admit to the fact that I find chocolate quite unpleasant. Like coffee, I find it loathsome, but somehow I’ll manage to find a way to drink and eat it anyway.

I am sad because I am not cooler than I am. I am sad because I don’t know how to make my sadness seem as hip as Angelina’s or Sylvia’s or Anne’s or anyone of the like.

I am sad because I don’t have a 6-pack or an 8-pack, but a one-pack: A Lurpack.

I am sad because even when my friends tell me I look good, that I always somehow manage to realise that their complement is but a mere fact of relativity. Circumstances would differ if my best buds were: Brad, George and Ben.

I am sad that this fact makes me want to go to the gym tomorrow and that it makes me stop eating for at least twelve hours. I am sad, that after those twelve hours, I will want to eat again with a voracious angst that is hardly justified.

I am sad because I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself because there are starving kids in Africa. I am sad because, despite my best efforts, I can’t really do anything to help those starving kids and so I have to go back to feeling sorry for myself, albeit with an improved sense of worth and a bit more consciousness.

I am sad that this isn’t really a poem or a work of art or anything of substance.

I am sad that this may be deemed by some as post-modern.

I am sad because I am still awake…after all these years.

I am waiting for this sadness to turn into anger, but it doesn’t.

Auditions? We're past all that now. Boot Camp? Stick your Boot Camp - we've moved on! Luxury Villas? Gah - you're too late! Because we're on the brink of the Live Finals now! It's time to put on your snazziest balaclava and apply lipstick to your nipples as Saturday Nights become X Factor showbiz bonanzas!

In truth, I've never made it to this point before with the X Factor. Like most right-minded folk, my interest wanes after the auditions. It's more fun tutting over the modern bedlam of the regional try-outs, as mentally-impaired plebs line up for humiliation than it is listening to a load of half-arsed, half-baked sob stories and lies. But this time, somehow, I've hung on in there. And now I'm DAMNED if I'm going to give up. I'm a scabrous barnacle clinging to the X Factor's arse and I'll not be letting go until we land at victory's shore.

Over the weekend, the luxury pad section consisted of that arsehole Danni Minogue ruining the lovely Suzie's chances of another stab at fame (despite the fact that she's one degree of separation away from being properly famous herself).

Suzie was once in The 411 - a fact which everyone seems to have forgotten about. I'm sure I haven't made them up. Doesn't matter anyway - a blonde Ricky Gervais lookalike took her place. There'll be no votes for him from the red-blooded males who took Suzie to their hearts.

Nice to see Danni for a bit, mind you - considering she's usually almost completely edited out to make way for (that arsehole) Cheryl Cole's footage.

Speaking of the devil, we also saw (that arsehole) Cheryl Cole mucking about somewhere hot, floating around in a white dress and sitting on white sheets as she destroyed the dreams of people more talented than her.

And we also watched Simon Cowell (that arsehole) kicking out Alan Turner. He had to kick Turner out, because he's a cheat - though the show went to great lengths to cover its arse on this - with Cowell asking him straight and repeatedly saying 'I believe you' when he heard the response. That was before he booted him out, presumably because he didn't believe him.

There were no other real surprises apart from (that arsehole) Louis Walsh kicking out some nice young Motown singing children. They couldn't get their act together, but they were the only performers with any real charm... He's lumbered with the groups. The groups never win. So it doesn't really matter anyway.

Let's look at the movers and shakers in the four sets of final threes. Does that make sense?

Boys - mentored by (that arsehole) Simon Cowell

Scott Bruton
That brute Scott Bruton got through despite being a Pontins no-hoper. The former bluecoat has sorted his hair out (which in X Factor world means shaving it) but is still not much cop at singing. In fact, he's not much to look at neither (I'm reliably informed). Let's move on.

Austin Drage
Austin has a name that wouldn't look out of place in a Dickens novel or a seventies sitcom and for that reason alone, I like the boy. Cowell reckons he reeks of desperation, but when he says this he overlooks the fact that every single person that auditions is a desperate wannabe, so it's a moot point. Come on Austin. WWM is behind you - unless you win. Then we'll hate you. Our underdogs must remain lowly canines and never rise to winner status. Underachieve or be scorned.

Eoghan Quigg
Another weird name on this one. Any ideas how we're meant to pronounce this? I've forgotten how they referred to him on screen. I think they just whistled at him and he came running, like a little blonde terrier. 15 years old with the voice of an emasculated Ian Paisley, he's going to be a Mum's favourite whilst simultaneously having all of Ireland on his side. Could win it.

Girls - mentored by (that arsehole) Cheryl Cole

Alexandra Burke
Alexandra tried out for the X factor a few years ago and failed at the luxury villa section - but not this time! This time, when told she'd made it to the humiliation of the Live Finals, she wept like a woman who'd lost her favourite pair of shoes in a fire that had wiped out her family. For a pretty girl, she don't half weep ugly.

Diana Vickers
With one of those faces that screams 'I'm really annoying!' and a haircut to match, Diana isn't bothered by fame - she 'just wants to be up on stage doing something she loves'. Which makes the fact that she's never gigged a bit baffling. Her reaction to Cheryl's good news was cringeworthy. Faux-sincerity and teeth-grinding cheeriness abounded. They refer to her as 'little hippy' when she's clearly a Nazi beneath all those flowing clothes.

Laura White
She's a northern Amy Winehouse minus the drug-dependency, pale and interesting looks and vinegar-soaked vocal stylings. So, essentially, she's a bit of a non-entity with Amy Winehouse's hairstyle.

Over 25s - mentored by (that arsehole) Danni Minogue

Daniel Evans
This blonde Ricky Gervais smiler was chosen ahead of Suzie - so minus points from the off.

Rachel Hylton
Rachel's representing the street, yeah? At 26, she's got five kids and custody over two of them. One of them is 13. Do the mathematics. Hard not to like Rachel. She's been to prison, been addicted to drugs and still found time to pop out more kids than she knows what to do with. You have to admire a background as chaotic as that simply because it is completely insane.

Ruth Lorenzo
Hola senorita! Our taste of Spain - Ruth Lorenzo - is a beguiling mess of unwashed hair, loads of eyeliner and denim that is far too tight. She sometimes sings in Spanish! She got a big bottom! She actually cries whilst crooning! Marvellous.

Groups - mentored by (that arsehole) Louis Walsh

Bad Lashes
What kind of name is that? I'll tell you what kind of name it is - a rubbish one that makes you think of really craply applied mascara. These girls were clearly assembled before the auditions from adverts in local newspapers or an airfix model kit. They're so obviously a corporate creation that they're barely worth talking about - but it's worth watching how they hold themselves. They're permanently posing like shop window mannequins. At first this is amusing, but then it's downright terrifying.

Girlband
And the prize for the least inventive name goes to... what were they called again?
Girlband all have the look of people you've seen somewhere before. Isn't that Charlotte Church... but a bit younger? I'm sure I've seen her before. Former page 3? Married a footballer... come on - you know the one. Was Miss GB for a bit. No? Wasn't that one in Hollyoaks? I'm sure I've seen her in Club International... etc..etc...

JLS
With a name that makes them sound like an airline rather than a boyband, I can't remember anything at all about these chaps. Sorry.

So there you go!

Gear yourself up for long autumn weeks spent with these hopefuls as they sing for your votes, Saturday after Saturday after Saturday. Keep your eye out for a 'LOUIS WALKS' headline and your ears pricked for rumours of a phone-rigging scandal.

A miserable, drizzly October starts right here as we head for the absolute fucking nightmare of winter with those X Factor bastards' overstressed syllables warbling in our ears, like aggressive, sponsored tinnitus.

Get dialling.

       The line of sporty suits, pinstriped shorts and argyle V-neck sweaters caters to the 25-and-over urban crowd, according to the Associated Press. The goal is to mix urban aesthetics with traditionally professional and preppy attire.

       "I want to create a line to reach out to those guys who are not young men anymore but who want to still be part of that urban lifestyle," said Simmons, who turned 51 on Saturday.      

       Among other pieces in the show were plaid shorts, free-flowing jackets and classic five-pocket pants created in materials like wool and cotton blends, reports the AP.

       Celebs attending the show included "American Idol" stars Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson, as well as actress Gabrielle Union.      

       "Russell is so amazing and such an inspiration," said Union, who sat near the runway. "I am just honored to be here in his support and to celebrate his birthday."

The first thing to talk about probably is how beautiful Cheryl Cole is. You can barely look at the screen she is so stunning. Now I’ve seen her up closeinreallife and she wasn’t that pretty, though she was of course stunning. But for some reason she radiates from the screen. I may get some kind of cancerous mole from her.

And the beauty of Cheryl leads me, obviously, onto the fading beauty that is Dannii. Last year, in comparison to Sharon, Dannii was a stunner and the fave of everyone. This year she looks like a wizened old has-been and is obviously being set up for the chop because: 1) Her make up team are VERY cruel 2) She’s been given the over twenty fives (I am holding myself back until later on THAT one) and 3) She keeps being made to wear AWFUL old-lady head wear like that awful ‘latina’ ribbon and the weird scarf she had wrapped around her botox-holder. I like Dannii though. I think some of her music is great (All I Wanna Do is an all time classic) and she IS quite pretty. But bring on Emma Bunton (hot new do BTW) as the fourth judge. As long as Sharon doesn’t come back I’ll be a happy bunny.

So now for my objective and in-depth analysis of the categories, their (generally awful) singing and their amazing sob-stories (yawn).

THE BOYS

EOGHAN: How are the 13 year old English girls going to cope with a name like that? Predictive text won’t cope. I won’t bash it to much as K is (proper) Irish himself (though he manages to spell his name normally) but what? And his face – what? He’s kind of a McFly wannabe. In fact he probably auditioned and was thought too pug-ugly for the band. Though they’ve done well on the VT shots of him to mask out his awfully disproportionate features with a tonne of Vaseline and some heavy duty air brushing. He sings nicely. In fact, his second song, only shown on ITV2’s The Xtra Factor, was actually rather good and he sang it well. And he is the best of a bad bunch of ‘young-uns’. He’ll be out around week 5 I reckon. Though I reckon most people will be out around week 5 in some kind of shock multiple ego-chop. Diana? Out week 5! Alexandra? Out week 5! All except lumpy faced Latina who will go week one.

MALI: What? Ashley mark 2. Nuff said.

LIAM: His favourite film is High School Musical therefore this guy is a total loser gay and deserved being chucked off. He could also barely sing.

AUSTIN: The best singer out of the lot of them. The song they showed on ITV 1 was the better though. She’s Out of My Life is an amazing song and he sang it impressively. I loved the way they put him against Alan in the results show as if they had comparable talent. AMAZING. Though never has my friend Sarah’s favourite phrase ‘DRY YOUR EYES’ ever been more applicable. This guy seriously needs to calm down and realise he is on national TV in front of millions. If he doesn’t want everyone to know what a big homo he is I suggest Simon glues his tear ducts and threatens him with Sinitta (AMAZING – more later!).

SCOTT: Two-bit Shane Ward. Out week 5. OBV.

ALAN: Oh dear god. This man COULD be quite good looking if he didn’t wine so much, didn’t use so much gel, and if he stood far enough away so that he was merely a blur on the horizon. He can’t sing, can barely speak and if he can write his name I bet it’s not in joined up handwriting. Reading around the internet as I do on such issues (actually I don’t, K does and then copies and pastes interesting (well sometimes) tidbits into our MSN conversations) I found a humourous summary of the ‘dramatic’ conversation Simon had about Alan’s ‘sob story’ with him on the popjustice forum:

"so, u lyin?" "WAHHHHH NO" "k lol"

I think that’s it.

Now onto the REAL important issue at hand – SINITTA.

This woman is like a Goddess to me. Anyone who can wear so little clothes, fan herself all time and make bikinis out of said fans when not in use, is a superstar in my book. Even Simon wondered what the fuck she was wearing on The Xtra Factor. Her excuse: “We’re in Barbados”. So why the fuck did you wear a bikini and a sarong in London last year? WHY? Because she is amazing. She is amazing. My new crap-idol.

Also, you should really watch the Xtra-factor. Holly Willoghby is actually not bad, there are lots of shots of Dermot just being normal, you get close ups of Dannii’s face and Austin cries a lot more.

THE GROUPS:
YES we’re in Ireland. I wonder whose house we’re in? (No Desire, they’ve not bluffed you, not it’s not Cheryl Tweedy-Cole, luck-out)

JLS: No Air? Firstly this song is shit. Secondly they sing it shit. What was the wailing about? They sang Apologise as their second song and it was TONNES better. I don’t like these guys even though I am impressed with their general styling and routines. OBV for going through.

PRIORITY: An attempt to remake the car-crashes that were Hope/Future Proof with four dull as dishwater talent vacuums. Looks like sucking off Louis didn’t work this time!

GIRL BAND: OKAY audition. I knew they’d get through for some reason. Though aren’t their faces really wide? They’re not a pretty bunch. Kind of like the Aloud but sponsored by Dove’s Real Women Campaign. Out week 2.

4INSTINCT: I swear I teach some of these. I actually quite liked them and hope they come back in future years as they’ll get better. But good call on not including them as am sure one of them is called ‘Little Miss Shanka’ and has you tube videos of her kicking the shit out of someone. They also remind me a bit of Addictiv Ladies. Who I thought were AMAZING.

DESIRE: Awful looking Geordie bints who can’t sing nor coordinate outfits. Didn’t they realise a bit of colour co-ordination and a three part harmony would have made Shane and Louis piss themselves in gay excitement? Obviously not as they failed to all shop at Primark and buy similar outfits in the same colour and more importantly failed to try anything more complex than a two-part harmony. SORRY GIRLS.

BAD LASHES: Great song on ITV1. Not bad song on ITV2. Best looking act in the whole competition. I like them a lot and secretly hope they win just to see Alexandra cry. But they probably won’t.

THE OLDIES
I’ve already mentioned the amazingness of Dannii’s slide into obscurity and Emma Bunton’s gorgeous hairdo, so onto more pressing matters. The train-wreck covered by a Tsunami ruins that were finished off by Hurricane Katrina’s older, more evil sister that is the Over 25s.

LOUISE: Now this might be racist but is this woman black or does she have too much fake tan? I love how amazing she thinks she is when she is actually shit. After squealing over and forgetting the words to ‘I say a little prayer’ she said ‘I couldn’t have done anymore’. WHAT? You could have sang in fucking tune for starters Louise. You could have remembered the fucking words. You could have not attempted Toni Braxton’s (God rest her career) adlibs in your second song.

GOLF MAN: Someone so forgettable I can’t remember his name and cannot be bothered to look it up. So middle of the road he made me want to lay there in wait of oncoming vehicles.

DANIEL “My wife’s dead” WHATSHISFACE: Now I don’t MIND the sob stories. Most of them are good TV (just don’t remind me of wheel chair woman). And his wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t take every opportunity to mention it and choose songs that some how related to it each time. I do feel for him and his daughter. And I won’t be telling him to dry his eyes any time soon. But do get a grip and have some respect for your wife. She was probably joking when she told you to fill in the form for the X Factor.

SUZIE: Why did she never mention she was in the 411, when she was thinner and had nicer hair? I liked her and wouldn’t have preferred her to go through over Latina. But still pretty average.

RACHEL: Oh Rachel. I like her. She’s going to be popular and her new weave for the live shows looks AMAZING. I can’t wait to see her crash and burn on the show, get a record deal and waste all her money on crack. AMAZING.

LATINA: Firstly, this woman is obviously not Spanish. Secondly, who saw her sing ‘Genie in a Bottle’ in Spanish on ITV2 and wanted to kill them selves? I hate her with so much passion. OUT WEEK 1. PS. LOVE her tranny-do for the live shows.

THE GIRLS:
Is the new Leona here? No. SORRY GAYS.

DIANA: WHAT!? Who the fuck is this woman? She can’t breathe properly let alone belt out a tune. It looks as if even speaking is an effort for her and her put on signing voice wears thin very quickly. Lots of people liked her version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah in Bootcamp. I thought it was shit. Her face looks like it has been squashed in a vice. And Cheryl, her uniqueness is actually just shitness so get over it. OUT WEEK 3.

(M)ANASTASIA: This one falling up the stairs in despair was one of K and mine’s highlights so far this year. How she got through (and over Joelle too) is BEYOND me. If I ever go to Nobu (which I probably won’t because I am not rich) I will sing the classic Eternal song to her how it should have been done and then throw Sushi at her mannish face in a hope that she will fall down in despair and crawl along the floor.

AMY: Her mum died. Like 30 years ago. Now OBV this was very hard and very sad but don’t use it as a tool to get through to Tweedy-Cole. Shame on you Amy. And shame on your shit voice. Also, does anyone else think that she looks like Stuart Little? Does anyone else think that she buys her clothes in MK One?

LAURA: Now, I liked this one from the start because her first song was the 80s soul disco record Somebody Else’s Guy by Jocelyn Brown (all time class tune). She sings nicely but sometimes the flourishes she puts on are annoying. I did like Cry Me A River A LOT though. I reckon she will be a late shock exit in some Alexandra vs. Laura death match.

HANNAH: We affectionately call this one ChavAlien in the K-J household, for obvious reasons that I will do my best to unpick. She dresses like a chav. She has a forehead like an alien. SOMEONE get this woman a fringe and take her to the nearest Top Shop. She DOES have a great voice and should have got in easily over Diana who is the shittest.

ALEXANDRA: The one all the gays are creaming their aussiebums over, her first round rendition of Saving All My Love was G-REAT. She has gone down slightly in my estimation (up in K’s after her version of Listen was an exact replica of Bonce’s Oscar performance). But her new weave makes her look like an evil witch. She’ll be on at the Victoria Apollo belting out Defying Gravity in no time. Prepare for a shock exit around week 5.

Ahh that’s it now. It only took me an hour to write and it only took over my whole weekend. But I can’t wait to watch next week’s live show and see how shit everyone is, be amazed by all the shit hair dos, gaze at Cheryl’s face and be amazed at expressionless Dannii. Expect more blogging on this all important issue where I will attempt to intellectually deconstruct the performances and use the word AMAZING a lot.

As promised here is the last part of this blog! The second part lists the final 12 contestants taking part in the live shows next week, so if you do not want to know at this stage who they are, I suggest you stop reading NOW!

The judges have made their decision and here is who will be performing in next week's show...

BOYS - Simon Cowell

• Scott Bruton (19)
• Eoghan Quigg (16)
• Austin Drage (22)

GIRLS - Cheryl Cole

• Diana Vickers (17)
• Laura White (21)
• Alexandra Burke (20)

OVER 25s - Dannii Minogue

• Ruth Lorenzo (25)
• Rachel Hylton (26)
• Daniel Evans (38)

GROUPS - Louis Walsh

• JLS: Aston Merrygold (20), Jonathan Gill (21), Oritse Williams (21), Marvin Humes (23)
• Girl Band: Tita Lau (19), Phoebe Jay Lau (19), Marisa Billitteri (19), Layla Manoochehri (22) 
• Bad Lashes: Stacey Lincoln (20), Sophie Wilson (23), Sam Bennett (21), Emily McNamee (19)

And there you have it! It has been an emotional rollercoaster for these finalists and a hue congratulations goes to them to have got this far! Now it is down to business to wow the audience and the viewers as we get ready for the live shows! All worth watching!

Ok leading on from our previous post where the final 12 was leaked on the net days before the show aired on tv. well Here is the official results of the fine x factor 12 contestants. they are as follows:

Simon Cowell and The Boys

Scott Bruton

Eoghan Quigg

Austin Drage

Over 25s with Dannii Minogue

Ruth Lorenzo

Rachel Hylton

Daniel Evans

Louis Walsh and The Groups

JLS

Girl Band

Bad Lashes

Cheryl Cole & The Girls

Diana Vickers

Laura White

Alexandra Burke

Simon's boys - 3.55 this group to win

Scott Bruton - 0dds 38

19. Former blue coat. Dull-handsome. Average good voice. 'X' diamond earrings (2). Professional voice. "He went for a hard song and pulled it off." "You've done better, you were like someone else when you sang today" Me: 7/10 Amy: 6/10

Eoghn Quigg - odds 15.5

16. Sensitive, bit ugly. Ballad boy. Bit one dimensional? "You've been getting better, you've got something, but with that performance I thought you blew it." "I'll take a chance."  Me: 7.5/10 Amy: 8/10

Austen Drage - odds 5.7

22. Body builder type. Ugh. Tattoos and accent. Rough boy. "You walked through this" "Great voice". Sensitive ballad singer. Not original? VERY CONSISTENT. Good bet, will stay in ages but won't win? "You're good, but I'm starting to wonder if you sound a bit desperate." "You're fantastic." Me: 9/10 Amy: 8.5/10

Danni's Over 25s - 6.8 this group to win

Rachel Hylton - odds 11

26. Mum. Big black and earrings. Talking back. Drugs, prison. 5 kids. One kid is 13! Confident singer. Fat thighs. Me: 7.5/10 Amy: 8/10

Ruth Lorenzo - odds 24

25. Big hair. Sang in Spanish before. Pretty-ish. Sang Spanish again! 'True colours' with improvised bits. Good voice, cried. Personality ugh. Emotional. Me: 6.5/10 amy: 5/10

Daniel Evans - odds 42

38. Bleached hair fat plumber. Dead wife with baby! Pool cleaner. PUB SINGER! Goatee stubble - yuk! "Is he a pop star?" "I was moved." Me: 3/10 Amy: 7/10 (up from 5 at song start)

Louis' Groups - 8.2 this group to win

JLS - odds 13

4 boys. Done very well in other stages. Simon loves them. Lots of rehearsing. Brilliant! Shame about the small gay one. And his back flips! Jo: 9/10 Amy: 5.5/10

Girlband - odds 120

Sisters. Fat girls! Amy: "have they had the big boob operation?"  Very good version of 'Valerie'. "Real". Shame about the legs. "But have they got something special?" Me: 8/10 Amy: 5/10

Bad Lashes - odds 50

Crying common lasses. "This is Wonderwall by Ryan Adams." Not bad voices. Lots of make up and odd clothes - big t-shirts. Stupid name. SING WELL!!  Jo: 8/10 Amy: 5.5/10

Cheryl's girls - 2.02 this group to win

Diana Vickers - odds 10

17. Blonde. Stupid-mess hair. Model looks. Sexy voice. 'Nothing compares to you.' Very good but not very original sound maybe? "So genuine!" Me: 6.5/10 Amy 5/10

Laura White - odds 6

'Big face girl'. Amy: "She has a big nose. Bigger than yours." Disappointing at boot camp performance. Black long hair. Nose. Interesting deep strong voice. Potential winner. Amy hates her. "Don't want to rate her. Do I have to rate her?" ?Dirty girl? 'Lay me a river' Brilliant. "Unbelievable." "Why has she not made it yet?" "Not sure the public will like her?" Me: 9.5/10 Amy: x

Alexandra Burke - odds 4.1

20. Good voice. Pretty. Black girls never win. But if life was fair she should. Passionate. just the image thing..? New Whitney?  2005 was in it too, got to last 6 stage but not live shows. "The public have to know the real you." Me: 9/10 Amy: 9/10

My Verdict: Sadly I couldn't see any great bets, I thought the odds were about right. I laid Alexandra at 4 and I had hoped to lay Danni's no-hoper over 25s group but they're 6.8 so don't think there's value. I'd hoped to back Austin too, but not while he's second favourite! I think the groups are more interesting than usual this year but I still think the public don't go for them. Must admit I'm tempted by 120 on girlband, if they stick around a few weeks they'd have to come in... Hmm, or maybe not.

Oh well, I'll let you know how my X factor bets go this year. If i have to watch the thing (Amy!) I may as well try to make a few quid from it.

Boy after this week is when I stop watching this ting so from here on out Hannah's my favourite.

Wretchrospective out October 13th

I'm firmly caught up in X Factor Hype now, as sad as it maybe!

Fingers crossed Bad lashes get to go to the live stages next week. They done pretty well last night with their rendition of errr.... Bryan Adams "Wonderwall" LOL

Who gets picked tonight for the live shows? these are my thoughts.....

Girls with Cheryl Cole
Alexandra (After last night has to be the favourite to win)
Amy
Hannah

Boys with Simon Cowell
Alan (Unless they find out he lied about his childhood, which he probably did! Some of the sob stories in this years X Factor have been cringe worthy)
Austin
Eoghan

25 and Overs with Dannii Minogue
Danny
Rachel (If it's not Alexandra it could well be her providing she keeps her "Ghetto" attitude in tact and stops forgetting words)
Suzie

Groups with Louis Walsh
4Instinct
Bad Lashes (I LOVE these!!!)
JLS

Am I right?

I thought I would change the subject a bit! This blog is a first in two parts! This weekend's The X Factor saw the final 24 go through to the Judges' Homes stage (although strictly speaking, it is not really their homes!). This is the final stage before the live shows and only 12 acts (3 in each category) will be going through based on one final performance!

Without going through deep detail, here is a summary of all the acts, the categories, judges and songs they performed...

BOYS - Simon Cowell - Barbados

• Eoghan Quigg (16) - Father And Son
• Liam Payne (15) - A Million Love Songs
• Mali-Michael McCalla (15) - All In Love Is Fair
• Austin Drage (22) - She's Out Of My Life
• Scott Bruton (19) - I Can't Make You Love Me
• Alan Turner (24) - All Or Nothing

GIRLS - Cheryl Cole - Cannes

• Diana Vickers (17) - Nothing Compares 2 U
• Amy Connolly (19) - Sweet About Me
• Hannah Bradbeer (23) - Take Another Piece Of My Heart
• Laura White (21) - Cry Me A River
• Annastasia Baker (19) - Oh Baby I 
• Alexandra Burke (20) - Listen 

OVER 25s - Dannii Minogue - St. Tropez

• Daniel Evans (38) - Against All Odds
• Ruth Lorenzo (25) - True Colours
• Louise Heatly (48) - Say A Little Prayer
• James Williams (26) - Mr. Bojangles 
• Suzie Furlonger (26) - One Day I'll Fly Away
• Rachel Hylton (26) - Beautiful

GROUPS - Louis Walsh - Ireland

Last season's American Idol, David Cook is shooting up the music charts with his recently released single, Light On.  Cook is set to release his first album on November 18, 2008.

With his unique rock sound range, Cook won fans across the nation on Idol and won the the popular singing talent contest by a wide margin last May.  He recently toured with fellow idols and has made countless personal appearances on TV and radio shows.  A true musician, Cook is slated for a long and successful career in the industry.

Some great Cook moments:

David Cook Web Site: http://www.david-cook.org/

Telling your company's story: Good stuff from Drew McLellan, and from Director Tom (for the video/documentary perspective!)

What's a clig? Find out on the Livingston Buzz blog!

50 brands for 50 years - see this celebration of 50 top brands over the last 5 decades. Hat tip: Plaid (Brand Flakes for Breakfast blog)

Start-up stories - great new series from Scott Allen kicks off with links to informative stories about people who followed their dreams.

FRIDAY PHOTO BONUS: Top contenders for  Nikon's Small World photography contest. Awesome micro-photography!

FRIDAY VIDEO BONUS: From last year: surely by now you know the story about Paul Potts, right? The opera-singing winner of Britain's Got Talent? If you didn't catch this one, you're in for a treat; and even if you did, here's the whole sequence of videos all together for you:

If you haven't seen the sequence of videos from this stirring event, here they are, in order:

First Audition:

Semi-final Performance:

Final Performance:

Winner Announced, and Encore:

Anyway, while we were in Best Buy, I turned in my Ipod to the Geek Squad to be fixed, for the fourth time. I have discovered that the Geek Squad are not actually a team of technology savvy geeks. They are just nerds with very minimal customer service skills and a lot of gel in their hair. They are not really that helpful.

I am not helpful either. Especially when my mother tells me that she wants the new album by the artist that she calls "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box?" 

Who?

In order to help Karen, the employee that was trying to help my mom, who knew who he was, but couldn't think of the name either, I listed off every single person that I could think of that had come from American Idol. Clay Aiken, Rubben Studdard, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Anastasia and just for kicks I threw in Justin but I felt like that was going to far. All of which I knew were not "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box?" It occurred to me later that naming Simon or Paula would have been funnier. They did not get the joke. Maybe I should have said Randy Jackson?

So the three of us were at a loss for the name of "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box?" and my mother said that we should ask one of the "young" people because they would know, and I thought, Well shit, I am officially out of touch because even though I am sure that I would not want to listen to "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box?" I should probably know his name, or at least who he is. You know like be able to picture him in my head but I know nothing about it at all... whatsoever, nothing, nada, never did.

The skinny, brace faced teenage girl at the register was my mother's chosen "young" person to bestow the pop-knowledge that we pop-seeked. Here is the exchange that took place:

Mom: Excuse me, what is the name of "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box?"

Girl: I don't know

Mom: You don't know? What's wrong with you?

Girl: What's wrong with me? I don't watch American Idol

Me: Hmmm? (eyeing her suspiciously)

Mom: What's wrong with American Idol?

Girl: I don't have time to watch any T.V. I have school and I work thirty hours a week and I have a boyfriend that I have to spend time with.

Me: He makes you spend time with him? 

Girl: Yeah

Me: Hmmm? (eyeing her suspiciously)

Girl: He works thirty hours a week too.

Me: But does he know who "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box" is?

Girl: No

The rest of our brief interaction was a typical customer/employee exchange with maybe, a subtext of irritation but I am not sure. There is always a slight malaise when I am out with my mother, I just can never tell where it's coming from. It's like being under the florescent lights at Wal-Mart for too long.

Borders did not have any of the books I wanted. Neither did Barnes & Noble. I guess that is a good thing. My Ipod will be in the shop for the next four to six weeks, again. I still don't know who "the guy from American Idol who does the beat box" is? But my mother did get the sixth season of Monk on DVD. That quirky OCD detective, Isn't Tony Shalhoub fun!

(Disclaimer: At no point in the "excursion" did the writer feel that he was cooler or better in anyway for his lack of knowledge or not lack of knowledge of... the long running television show American Idol.)

Jordan is said to be in talks with Simon Cowell about appearing as a guest judge on American Idol.

The pop guru, 48, invited the glamour model to see the hit US show last season but she was too busy.

‘I’m sure we’ll go to dinner and see what happens,’ she says. ‘I’m a huge American Idol fan.

'I’d definitely be interested in doing something with him.’

Jordan, 30, real name Katie Price, has just bought a £4million mansion in LA with husband Peter Andre, 35. ...more

Since her reality show with hubby Peter Andre did so well out here in the States (seriously!?) Katie Price, aka Jordan, whom I absolutely love, has her sights set on conquering the States and is even in talks with Simon Cowell to be a guest judge on the next season of American Idol.

I actually think Katie would be fantabulous on American Idol. She has just enough sass, spunk and sex appeal, she's sure to give Simon a run for his money. Plus I'd love to see a fellow female Brit on the show.

The Bachelor: Former Bachelor contestant Jen Schefft and former Bachelorette (yes, the one who rejected both men) is engaged.

The Amazing Race: A recap of last night's season premiere episode.

The Biggest Loser: The team sent home first is shocked.

The Hills: OMG, are Heidi and Lauren going to reconcile? Check out pics of Audrina's new million-dollar Hollywood Hills pad.

The Bachelorette: DeAnna and Jesse take a break from moving in together to make out.

Project Runway: I'm so confused. So it looks like Runway might not be moving to Lifetime just yet. 

Top Chef: Spike Mendelsohn's new restaurant is cited by the Washington, D.C. Health Department.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Jennifer Hudson/John Spellman"][/caption]

American Idol: Simon Cowell says no to plastic surgery, yes to Botox. Jennifer Hudson's new album includes her famous "Dreamgirls" song. Life after Idol: Former contestant Nikki McKibbin still singing...she hosts a weekly karaoke bash in Arlington, Texas.

America's Next Top Model: The transgendered contestant, Isis, talks about how she got onto the show and why she got eliminated. The show moves to the Oxygen network. An episode summary from last week. What Alaska native Hannah had to say about her elimination.

Random bits: American Idol producers looking for a few good rocker dudes. Even reality shows are reflecting the reality of the sinking real estate market.

X Factor Final 12 Revealed

Now we just want to let you know that this list of X Factor finalists is NOT OFFICIALLY CONFIRMED, but there have been many predictions on forums all over the UK by those claiming to be ‘in the know’. I bet that at least some of them are right!

Is there anyone you think should be there or anyone in the final twelve that you don’t like? As always let us know in the comments box below.

Anyone who doesn’t want to know who will be on the X Factor live shows stop reading now!!!!! Everyone else just scroll on down!

Cheryl Cole - Girls 14-24

* Diana Vickers
* Alexandra Burke
* Laura White

Simon Cowell - Boys 14-24

* Scott Bruton
* Eoghan Quigg
* Austin Drage

Dannii Minogue - Over 25s

* Rachel Hylton
* Danny Evans
* Suzie Furlonger

Louis Walsh - Groups

* Bad Lashes
* GirlBand
* JLS

Source:

The terrified singer was left distraught after specialists ordered her to quit rehearsals for tonight’s live show.

Last night an ITV1 source revealed: “Alexandra’s very emotional.

“She has an extremely sore throat and doctors told her she couldn’t rehearse. It’s been very hard for Alexandra, but she can’t take the chance of ruining her voice.”

Alexandra, 20, from Islington, North London, hopes resting her voice will allow her to make it through tonight’s performance. But she will have to do it WITHOUT any vocal preparation.

It is the latest hurdle for the youngster who failed to make it through to the finals when she first auditioned three years ago. That knockback almost made Alex give up her dream.

This time she is the 3/1 bookies’ favourite to win. Meanwhile Girlband are 2/1 on to be the first to get the boot.

Source:

The first X Factor live show of the series has just finished, and for the desperately disappointed group, the journey is already over.

The Bad Lashes gals moved into the X Factor house just two weeks ago, but after renditions of It Must've Been Love and survival song Wonderwall failed to live up to the expectations of the Great British public, the girls are the first contenders to be ousted in the live studio shows.

The public vote result meant that it the final battle would be between the shows two girl groups - Girlband and Bad Lashes.

It was then down to the act's all-important survival song to decide the overall result.

Bristol-based Girlband picked the Dionne Warwick track That's What Friends Are For, in the hope that sticking together would bring 'em the lifeline they so badly needed. They performed it well and its message was poignant and fitting.

And North-east gals Bad Lashes chose to perform the Oasis song Wonderwall to save their bacon. The girls gave it their all but perhaps the emotion showed just a little too much.

Simon's verdict was, "I thought they were both shocking. But the band I am sending home is Bad Lashes".

Cheryl voted for Girlband, although she told both groups she had a lot of respect for them.

Danni said "The act I will send home is Girlband."

And to force deadlock, Louis voted for Bad Lashes, leaving the judges' vote even. The result was therefore decided by public vote. The public sent home Bad Lashes.

Groups mentor Louis Walsh must take stock after two of his three acts found themselves faring badly in the vital public vote. Louis said "They're two very good groups, that's why I picked them".

"I am devastated for the girls they had so much more to give".

Bad Lashes are obviously terribly disappointed to be leaving the party so soon.

But making it to the final twelve contenders from the 182,000 applications is no mean feat.

In the end it was just too much for Bad Lashes...

...and now just eleven acts remain in the competition to sing again next week.

Source:

I am very selective about the television that I watch, but I tune in religiously for my selected shows. One show I never watched was America's Got Talent. However, this YouTube clip of an unusual dance act from the British equivalent is definitely worth watching. Simon Cowell is one of the judges, and I'm not sure I've ever seen him smile so broadly. YouTube has more from this act in case you like them as much as I do.

Okay, back to the economy. The correct answer is C.

Oh, and the election. I wasn't going to put anything political in my blog. Then I saw this commentary by a little old lady and changed my mind. Helen, I love you!

Basically they are the talent scounts of the recording industry. Their job is to go out and find future stars that the labels would like to sign up. Not too much different to talent scouts for sports clubs. They look for talent and often are involved in negotiating contracts with the new artists and help them make the transition from independant, to part of the business.

In current days, one of the most famous would be Simon Cowell of American Idol fame and many of the the comments that he makes to would be artists is about their potential as a recording artist.

To get an insite to what A&R people look for, there is a series on the BBC, which you can listen to here.

If you want more information, I found a great site called Getsigned.com. I don't know anything about their services, but there are some great articles full of excellent information on how to get signed and other aspects of developing your professional career as an artist. Personally, I don't want to be the artist, I want to write the songs for them.

Here is an interview with Stephan Brower of Vanguard Records