So, as you may have already guessed, Seamus hasn't called. There's been no response to the voicemail I left him yesterday. I wonder...was it that easy to read, how manipulative I was being? Trying to lure him in with talk about one of his favorite topics, the stock market, then throwing in an apology that even he might admit was unnecessary in light of his own behavior, and adding that I was ashamed so I could seem even more pathetic and deserving of pity and forgiveness. That doesn't mean that my feelings for him are insincere, but I'm willing to say or do just about anything to be able to talk to him again.

Not that it has worked. And I feel all the more stupid and filled with self-hatred for having lost my dignity to a failed attempt.

I went to the mall today for a little retail therapy. Money's tight, but I figured I could spend a little bit. As I was trying on clothes, it amazed me how disgusting my body looks. My belly jiggled, my boobs were saggy-looking, my thighs were dimply, my calves were huge, my ankles were swollen...I'm a soft, squelchy, bloated, nauseating cow. I think I'm past the point of no-return now. Even if I finally got my act together, started eating right and exercising, I'll still never have a body that will be attractive. My youth is behind me, and it's all downhill from here, literally. I will always be too fat and too ugly, and the clothes I put on won't hide how hideous I look. I didn't buy that much, because it just seemed like there was no point in even trying to look good. I'm too fat to make looking good remotely possible.

Bad thoughts are becoming more pervasive in my mind. You know the ones...the "why am I bothering?" ones. The ones that say "Why diet and exercise, maybe it's better to die before you're old and ugly and alone and without prospects." The ones that say "Why give up booze and weed and partying, maybe it's better that you burn out quickly and just get it over with." I think I'm too much of a coward, or lack the courage of my convictions, to actively pursue suicide. I just entertain the notion. Perhaps I'm too melodramatic. I really need to see a doctor. I need someone to help me, to stop me from feeling this way.

If nothing else, I need someone to prescribe me some meds. Meds might make me feel better again, and if not (and I get the right meds), maybe they can help solve the problem permanently with a few extra doses.

So, what am I doing???   Am I smoking merely for that high?  Or am I pre-emptively stoking my appetite?   Probably a combo of both.  Personally, while I love marijuana and prefer it to alcohol, actual drugs have never been a source of addiction for me.  That is to say, I can quit anytime I want.  No, but seriously, I can.  

But just as the media refers to pot as an "entry"  for other drug use, for me it can be an entry into my other addictions.   So maybe, it's time I did quit.   If I can . . .

The nurse was around today and changed the dressing on the wound which is healing very well, no MRSA for me thanks. It should be off early next week. I'm breathing deeper and feeling less breathless now. I'm out for short walks twice a day to get some air and exercise in. My weight is fine, only lost a couple of pounds in hospital and it seems to be back on now. I'm sleeping pretty well except for the sweats. The painkillers I'm on make you sweat a lot so I wake up in the night dripping. But I can live with that because I'm back in my nice huge bed again.

To entertain myself I'm watching lots of films, reading, listening to the radio and internetting. Family and friends are popping around too. But I'm really looking forward to getting back into my stride and having a daily routine and working again. The nurse said that'll happen in time and to enjoy this time while I can. She's right.

Diagnostic Criteria for Bipolar II Disorder

A. Presence (or history) of one or more Major Depressive Episodes.

B. Presence (or history) of at least one Hypomanic Episode.

C. There has never been a Manic Episode or a Mixed Episode.

D. The mood episodes in Criteria A and B are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and is not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

E. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Criteria For Mood Episodes

Major Depressive Episode

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)

3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

4. insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

5. psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)

8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)

9. recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

Hypomanic Episode

A. A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.

B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:

1. inflated self-esteem or grandiosity

2. decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)

3. more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking

4. flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing

5. distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)

6. increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation

7. excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C. The episode is associated with an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic of the person when not symptomatic.

D. The disturbance in mood and the change in functioning are observable by others.

E. The episode is not severe enough to cause marked impairment in social or occupational functioning, or to necessitate hospitalization, and there are no psychotic features.

F. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

Note: Hypomanic-like episodes that are clearly caused by somatic antidepressant treatment (e.g., medication, electroconvulsive therapy, light therapy) should not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.

It's all so scientific, isn't it?

Hail psychology, the hard science! We are just as good as other health care professions because we can diagnose! We have labels!

... What's that? What's the definition of "sexual indiscretions?" Or "grandiosity?" Or how do we measure "excessive or inappropriate guilt?" What is the biological basis for bipolar? You want us to actually measure something? ...You're awfully demanding. You know, come to think of it, I think there's a personality disorder that might describe this questioning, cynical nature you're displaying. Here, have a Paxil while I look it up....

_______________________

Okay. First, the disclaimers: no, I don't dislike mental health professionals, and no, I am not anti-psychiatry. (Oh lord, can you imagine? Anti-adoption and anti-psychiatry debates?)

What I am is anti-oversimplification.

A psychologist once said to me, "Someday they'll have a cure for bipolar. Within your lifetime. I really believe that."

A cure? We don't even know what the "disease" is yet... or whether it even is a disease. We diagnose based on behaviors and feelings!

My personal guess is there will never be a cure for bipolar. Ever. Because my personal hunch is there is no one cause of bipolar--not collectively, and not individually. It's a mixture of factors. And a pill will never cure environmental, spiritual, social, and characterological factors.

Ed: You are fat.  You shouldn't eat dinner.

Jenni:  You're right.  I am fat, and I won't eat dinner.

Or,

Ed: You are fat.  You shouldn't eat dinner.

Jenni:  You're wrong.  I'm not fat, and I will eat dinner.

After reading this, I realized while I'm not schizophrenic, I do have another voice in my head.  One that tells me I'm a stupid, fat, loser.

In the introduction, Jenni says that in her eating disorder support group, everyone except for one girl had a "male" eating disorder; thus, they all called him Ed.  One girl's was female, and she called hers Edie.  I was really surprised to realize that mine a) has a gender at all and b) is female.  In fact, it is a snotty high school girl who has perfect hair, perfect clothes, and is skinny and popular.  I've decided to name her Tiffany.

When I was in the thick of my eating disorder, Tiffany told me what I had to do to stay thin, and thus be acceptable to world.  I had to exercise every day and never eat over a certain amount.  I had to run at least 12 miles every weekend.  Being hungry and dizzy all the time was a good thing.

Tiffany: That apple puts you 10 calories over what you're allowed today.  If you don't go for a quick walk to make it up, you're going to get fat.

Tiffany: If you run 14 miles instead of 12 today, you can have a donut.  Keep running!  Why are you walking - because you're dizzy?  Whiner.  Run!

Tiffany: Eh, I was kidding about that donut.  Better save the calories in case you want dessert tonight.

Now that I've started disobeying Tiffany, by eating when I'm hungry and not exercising much anymore, she tells me how fat I am all the time. 

Tiffany: Dude, you are so fat.  I can't believe your pants are getting tighter AGAIN.  You're a failure and stupid to think you were ever going to be able to keep the weight off.

Tiffany: Ha ha, good luck getting pregnant.  Now you're going to be fat AND infertile.  Dumbass!

Tiffany: You look like shit today.  You should just call in sick.

So, this was ... interesting.  Separating Emily from Tiffany will make a big difference, I think.  It's already started to take the edge off of the negative self-talk.  Especially when I picture my eating disorder as a stupid little teenage bitch named Tiffany.

This is by far the most popular question around Yahoo Answers - "I forgot my Windows password, and how do I reset it?" - You see the same question almost everyday, and sometimes I wish Yahoo could pin that topic somewhere in the section, so people can read it before they ask the same thing again.  But no, they don't do that... so I feel like writing my own.  The following three methods are proven to work, but I leave the decision to you which one you'd like to use.

USE AN ADMIN ACCOUNT

There's a myth that you can use the "net user" command to reset the password, example:

net user Sparkie abc123

That myth is somewhat incorrect.  The truth is "net user" only works when you already have access to an account that has enough privilege - usually an admin's account - to execute this action, otherwise it will be denied by Windows.  Technically, "net user" is pretty much the same as Control Panel - if you can change the password by using "net user", you can change the password under Control Panel, as well.

In addition, even if you don't have an extra admin account to use, there's still a hidden local Administrator that you can access under safe-mode.  This account may, or may not be password-protected, depending on how the system builder set it up in the first place, but always give it a try.

To learn how to get into safe-mode, go to the following link:
http://www.computerhope.com/issues/chsafe.htm

CRACK THE PASSWORD BY RAINBOW

Windows does not store passwords in plaintext form, it is one-way encrypted (in LM algorithm), aka hashed, therefore there isn't a pretty way to crack it... but there is a way: Use a rainbow table.  Unlike a traditional brute-force attack - you keep on guessing a possible match until you get it right, which is very time-consuming - a rainbow table is a precomputed database that saves you cracking time computation in advance by using a technique called time-memory-tradeoff, allowing your brute-force method to be much more efficient, fast, and pretty damn accurate.

To learn more about rainbow, go here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_table

To give you an idea how fast it cracks, I did an experiment with the following setup:

• Windows XP Pro SP3
• P4 2.0 ghz
• 2gb Memory
• 60gb HDD @ 7,200rpm
• ophcrack with 703mb rainbow table

Tested passwords and times:

• hondas2000 : 7sec
• abc123 : 6sec
• asdfdsa : 6sec
• max10121989 : 12sec
• monkey : 3sec
• 11231967:  3sec

Notes: The initialization could take as long as minute to load.  During the first experiment the actual time for "hondas2000" was 41sec (preload) + 5sec (crack time).

The above tool can be found here:
http://ophcrack.sourceforge.net/

However, in case you didn't realize, preping the computer for a rainbow crack is time-consuming (it took me 4 hours to prep the test, by the way), and some of us simply do not have the time for it.  Luckily, there's another way where you don't have to download the look-up table and still crack it - simply extract the password hash of the account, and use a web service to recover it for you.  This is what you need to do:

1. Still go ahead and download ophcrack
2. Install, but do not download any table
3. Run the program. Click on the big "Load" button, click on "Local Sam"
4. Save the results as "hash.txt" and put it somewhere you can find
5. In the results file, every line represents an account, and is in this format:

Sparkie:1009:7CE2DE1F24339022AE91A15A9FDF9D77:991795B7F0C46 5B98594ED9C5E4443EE:::

In this example, you see "Sparkie" is the account name, "7CE2DE1F24339022AE91A15A9FDF9D77" is the LM hash, and that's what you want.

6. Now, go to this website: http://www.objectif-securite.ch/en/products.php
7. Copy and paste the hash in the first field, click on "Submit".  Within a few seconds you should see the password.  See how easy that is?

RESET THE PASSWORD

There may be times cracking is just not an option for you, so what do you do?  You can just reset it - this method works on any type of Windows, and requires no admin privilege.

Personally, I use an utility called NT_Pass from Austrumi Linux 0.9.2 to reset Windows passwords.  Austrumi can be downloaded here:
http://sourceforge.net/project/showfiles.php?group_id=103017&package_id=110546

Make sure you get the 0.9.2 distrubution, burn it onto a CD (click here to learn how), and boot up the computer with it, and follow the instructions on the screen.

Or there's another tool called "Offline NT Password & Registry Editor".  It works just like NT_Pass, burn it onto a disk and boot up with it.  This utility can be found here:
http://home.eunet.no/pnordahl/ntpasswd/

What does social media, SEO, and addiction have in common? Why are they on an SM/SEO website? This is the main reason.

Social media is the active use of internet tools, communication and interaction between users. It is very personal which is why our target markets are so attracted to it. They get to learn about the marketplace from new and exciting angles.

Transparency, Change.

In real life, we are human beings before we are marketers. We have weaknesses, burdens, real life problems. I enjoy embellishing upon that. It cultivates a sense of connection with those we are affiliated with online in our daily travels. Hopefully this strategy generates a demand for social change and betterment. Truth.

As an addict in recovery, I know how difficult it is for family, friends and the workplace, to overcome doubt, disappointment, and damages.

Be it overeating, sex, wine, status, financial gain, or addiction to the internet, our lifestyles leave us stripped, baffled, probably broken, and our funk left our families and friends drained and unable to trust us.

wait...

Even the smallest changes you make, like establishing healthy eating habits or cleaning up music influences, hang outs..are purifying you. Not with immediate results most of the time, but it's happening. Persistence bears fruit.

It will feel as if you are alone and the world is against you.

You may be right. But, we have to see that as ok for now. It hurts, but it will change and you'll freak out with satisfaction when it begins to materialize.

You will feel as if you do not fit in.

Of course you don't. Do you really want to anymore now that you've seen the funk firsthand? If you manage to tap into the energy and resources (not the criminality!) that you purged and exhausted to seek and devour your addiction of choice, do you realize your potentials for good?

A phoenix that rises from the flames is powerful testimony. Use it to be "your brothers keeper".

Your experiences, your ideas, your insights, the education you've acquired of humanity while you were in 'the wild'. Thanks to social media, it can actually be used to create global social change. The possibilities are endless.

Lessons learned are a gift sometimes unappreciated. Since I've been clean, it seems I've found that the world has addictions of their own, they just don't know it. They became callous, selfish and lost. Maybe they need hope too. Your desire to clean your act up, might be a sign that you can give them hope. Give without expectations to receive and you are well on your way to living like a real human being for a change.

Tip: Overcome Negative Self Talk

Success is a word in our vocabulary, but not always something we can visualize for our future. We lost faith in ourselves, our morals, our abilities our worthiness.

Try to focus upon removing what's known as negative self talk. It's destructive to the motivation needed to deploy your best.

Useful articles:

• Tips for Overcoming Negative Self-Talk
  

  Join the CIA :-)

  I use the acronym CIA to help you remember these tips.

  C stands for “Catch yourself doing something right”. Many of us easily catch ourselves when we do something that we perceive to be wrong, but don’t catch ourselves doing anything right."

• Overcome Negative Self Talk With Encouragement

• Develop the Habit of Healthy Self -Talk

It really is just temporary. No matter how unwell you are.

We are told to remove the word 'unique' from our vocabulary but I claim mine.

Utilize it as opposed to minimizing your potential. Examine yourself, your motivations, aspirations. Explore those parts of yourself that DOESN'T fit in and find a place to put them. The world may not know they need what you've kept hidden all this time.

Claims of uniqueness does not have to be an excuse for continuing behaviors.

To say that we there's a one size fits all miracle pill, program, or even pajama bottom, is unrealistic and damaging. We are not drones. We each have something unique and special to tap into. We are known to be some of the most intelligent, creative, artistic, musically inclined contributing powerhouses in history.

We are unwell but it is temporary. Good decisions lead to favorable outcomes. People see the real us in time.

Crawl if You Have To..Pursue your goals like you were moving through a  blizzard butt *ss naked to get to the dope man. That's how much it's worth.

I found some fresh broccoli in the veggie drawer of the fridge and made a vegan dish with broccoli and noodles. I sauteed some onion and garlic and a little minced chilli in olive oil. Then added the broccoli and some ground black pepper, a little smoked sesame seed oil for the flavour and tossed the steamed broccoli with noodles. It tasted wonderful. I cook very well for myself, in part because I genuinely like foods that are good for me. Broccoli is fizzing with phytochemicals, vitamins and nutrients and all those good things that we are supposed to eat.

And there are fresh courgettes as well, so tomorrow I will have courgettes and brown rice, with a tomato salsa on the side. And I will put out beans to soak and make a bean casserole on Sunday.

Then Una will be back on Monday and I will revert to carnivore habits. She is very critical of Gauteng and homesick for the Cape, but seems to be having a good time.

Right now I am treating broccoli as a kind of Higher Power and hoping it is boosting my immune system and working health miracles.

"It is a spiritual principal that we will continue to encounter others who will embody the opportunity for us to learn our most pressing lesson. When we learn to overcome the problem in ourselves, our 'teachers' fade away." - Robin Norwood

It is uncanny that we can meet and be attracted to the exact person who is going to make us miserable exactly the same way our last partner did. There are so many conscious and unconscious things at play but water does seek its own level.

I met my best friend the first day of law school. I shared a little about myself and she pulled up a seat next to me in the very next class. She said, "I like you. You're funny." I was thinking WHO in the world is this person and why do I care if she thinks I'm funny?It turns out we have such a similar life history, such similar likes and dislikes and she is the only person in my life, other than me, that I have ever met who has birth and adoptive parents and the same screwy issues with both sets. I didn't have a decent relationship with mine and we both joke about how horrible we've been to make two mothers hate us. She's the only person that gets that. I'm the only one that gets her.

We both have the strange mix of birth and adoptive relatives and we each somehow, some way found our way out of the lives of dysfunction, abuse, abandonment and chaos and met in the hallowed halls of UC Berkeley.

We were both "white trash" kids who really didn't belong in Berkeley (we both had the distinct impression, upon getting our acceptance letter, that a big mistake had been made and the acceptance would be rescinded at any time), but we weren't kids anymore (we both had a family) and we both managed to rise up out of the ashes and get into one of the best law schools in the country.

On that first day her radar was working much better than mine--she could see we were a fit from day one. It took me a while to see it and to appreciate our very special relationship.

That's a positive story but for years I would attract people who represented the business I had not finished. My first husband was my mother. A string of men after we divorced were my father. In each relationship I tried to win a battle I had not won previously and wasn't going to win this time.

When I learned to fix myself and fix the holes in my soul, I stopped attracting and being attracted to people who would lock horns with me in OLD FAMILIAR WAYS. (familiar as in FAMILY).

I had to turn my attention to MYSELF...to work out the issues with MOM AND DAD (all four of them) without trying to find it in "the next relationship."

So long as I was behaving my past, and behaving my feelings, I was never going to get anywhere.

Once I did, the teachers faded away. As I became WHOLE, I was able to find WHOLE people without agendas and life became GOOD. I now have the love and support of special, WHOLE people like my best friend and like my husband, who love me and support me and make my life wonderful. I've LEARNED my lessons and the teachers have all disappeared.

The feeling washed over me like a cold bucket of water, that it is yet another day today, and I have to get up and do it all over again. The mere act of "being" seems like an incredible effort. Then I burst into tears and resolved to stay just where I was, until I felt somewhat better, come rain or snow, or eviction notices or bed sores, I was not being wrenched from my pit, no matter the consequence of my squatting.

Then that all went out the window, because I still needed a wee. So at least I got up and switched on the computer. But that's as far as I'm going on principle. I don't think I am much use to anyone like this. It irks me now, that this was supposed to be a recovery blog, and has become nothing but a stream of posts about "if, but and when", because I am waiting for a return to normal service.I'm scared of my mood effecting my eating today. It's the first time I have felt really close to that feeling, the desire to binge to wipe out the sadness. Hence why I'm writing, to starve off (Bad pun) the danger.

Lots of things about my mood p*ss me off, and the waiting is one of them. I do feel as if I am constantly waiting around for my mood to pick up. I try to boost it and do the right things, but the actions are there, my mood does not alter. For the benefit of those without secret web cams, I'm crying like a burst water main at the moment. Its worth pointing out (because its often hard to decipher my intonation from my writing) that the more flippant and quippy I become, its usually a reflection of how low I am. I used to be pretty much the same in conversation, but over the years it was beaten out of me by psychiatrists and therapists, as i learnt to talk about my feelings and attach the emotion, as apposed to just humour, So now I still make light of it, but at the same time I cry. It's disturbing to watch. Anyway.

So things are back to square one. I'm going to hold out till Monday and if this hasn't lifted a little, back to the GP I go, to talk about upping my dose of lamotrigine. This is something I really do not want to do. In case anyone had not noticed, I am not very forthcoming about talking about my mood in technical terminology.  It's a touchy subject for me, a lengthy history of bad reactions to medications, horrible side effects, and mislabelling of conditions has left me raw. I am scared of being on medication, I am scared of being off it. I haven't even managed to find out my official diagnosis, much less face it, so I profess to be scathing of such labels, when really I am just in abject denial of any problem. Possibly another reason why I am reluctant to go to my GP and discuss meds, and another reason as to why I discharged myself from specialist care with the Neurosciences Team at the hospital. Not that they weren't amazingly supportive, they were, I had just had enough by then. If I go back to my GP doubtless she will refer me back to the hospital, and I will have to face this (Probably a good thing in the long run) but the dept is right next door to the intensive ED unit, and obviously I am not over the moon about going within a hundred miles of them.

I'm rambling. I promise a proper post about this subject, my experiences etc, when the dirty cotton wool of depression has blown out of my ears. I'm going back to mindless drivel on the TV now.

Oh yes for anyone thats interested, I went back to the eye hospital yesterday, and the ulcer is still there, thought the redness has mostly gone. Another two weeks of drops then back once again. Apparently I am not healing as quickly as they thought. I could of told them that. I have no immune system whatsoever, despite rattling with multivitamins.

Lola x

If anyone is interested, the links from Snowdrifts should be working properly now

“I don’t need any help. I can handle things by myself.”

“I opened up once, and look where it got me. I’ll never do that again.”

People who need help—people who need recovery—are often the most difficult people in the world to reach. They deny there is a problem and refuse to seek the help they desperately need to recover. To do so would be an admission of weakness, and that’s something many are unwilling to do, especially men.

For those of us who know the value of help that comes from those who have “traveled our path,” it’s hard to understand why so many choose to continue in self-defeating behavior rather than make the necessary changes to live a life of value—a life rich with meaning and purpose.

When it comes to religious abuse, the task of overcoming denial is even more difficult because, unlike abusing alcohol, food, sex, or drugs, there’s no outward manifestation of dysfunction. It’s all on the inside, where its destructiveness eats away at the soul of the abusee.

Frequently, someone will ask how they can convince a friend or loved one to seek help. The answer is simple: Most of the time, you can’t.

The person in need has to come to that realization without your interference. Until that happens, there’s nothing you can do other than pray they will bottom-out and become willing to make seek help. There are things, however, that you can do that will hinder the recovery of another.

• You can sympathize with their difficulties, which will do nothing but feed into their self-pity.

• You can agree with them in their delusion that they are coping with life the best that they can.

• You can enable them to continue with self-destructive attitudes and behavior by not allowing them to suffer the proper consequences of their actions.

• You can make things easier for them—softening life’s blows by intervening, which seems like “the Christian” thing to do.

Each of these actions is what a good friend would do, right?

Wrong!

It’s how you prolong their suffering and their avoidance of reality. By being a “good friend,” you may inadvertently be standing in the way of the Lord who is intent on gaining the attention of the person who is suffering. Let them crash. When the pain becomes too intense, they will reach out for help—not before. It’s much better to pray for a loved one to reach the end of their rope than to ask God to minimize their suffering when they are headed in the wrong direction. God meets people in their brokenness—not in their denial.

Then I got up in the dark, seeing it was 4am, and went to make myself some orange juice. In the kitchen I realised it was 3am and the small clock in the bedroom had stopped. I had my juice and crawled back into bed. As I fell asleep the same dog arrived at my side again and I began looking for a collar with his name attached on a round tin disc. The name was Angus and when I said 'Good boy Angus', he ran off contentedly. I suppose other people have dreams that continue night after night, like soap operas. I have them from time to time, weeks of a recurring or progressing dream.

Since sobering up, that subtler intuitive aspect of my nature has really come into its own. Many people from Scottish or Celtic backgrounds have this ability to key into the random associations all around us. I don't know if I would call it a psychic gift because I also have the dour sceptical Scot alongside the feyness, but I do pick up a lot of stuff that seems to have nothing to do with anything. I wander past a house and get an image of a red sofa. The sofa may be there in the living room or may once have been there decades ago or may not be there at all, just a fleeting bit of imaginative whimsy on my part.

I was standing next to a woman in the supermarket the other day and as I looked at her absently, I 'saw' a child playing a piano in a small room next to a window with blinds drawn. The child was playing very confidently and fluently, a piece of music I didn't know.

The problem is that I couldn't say to the stranger in front of me: 'Excuse me but do you happen to be thinking of a child playing the piano? Did you learn to play the piano when you were small? What is the name of that piece of music I am listening to in your head?' That kind of thing does not make for credible social interaction.

I have noticed that there are places where these intuitions seem more intense or noisy, in places of transition, like airports or hospitals. In Hereford in the UK, I could not walk over the bridge crossing the swift-flowing Wye without having a rush of images like a movie trailer go through my mind. All of them obscure and random and not easy to verify even if I wanted to do so. This is the kind of awareness that I think some peole have and others don't, it is not a 'gift' to be developed or something to purvey into a career. I have noticed that those who are intrigued by such things tend to have no clue about them and are unbothered by the etheric clutter all around them.

It is something mildly embarrassing to mention even in a tell-it-all blog, but more common than generally supposed. I don't attach much significance to it -- for years I thought it was a childhood and adolescent thing and I had grown out of it. Now I realise the alcoholism just flattened it along with all the emotions and libido and natural zest for life.

And I am going to see what I can find on the Internet as regards the new Nobel prize-winner for literature Jean-Marie Le Clezio, who lived in the Mexican jungles with Amerindian forest people in the early '70s and whose ancestors fled persecution in France and settled in Mauritius. A writer between cultures and I look forward to finding out what is available in translation. The Swedish Academy announced that he was an 'author of new departures, poetic adventure and sensual ecstasy, an explorer of a humanity beyond and below the reigning civilisation'. Which is complete gobbledegook and makes me wonder if any of them had actually read him or any of the other candidates. A humanity beyond and below the reigning civilisation? Even in Swedish that can't make sense.

It looks like fine weather today, mild and springlike. I should go for a walk and try to clear my head, see what my friend Charlotte has done in her garden.

You must hit bottom, and start over, in the same way that the market has worked for thousands of years.  Bailing out 29 year old brokers that are unsound only perpetuates the pain.  The stock market agrees and will continue to plummet until adults take charge and make us take our medicine.

He thinks that G7 should just stand aside and let the sound people pick up the pieces.  As long as the governments continue to pump paper money into the world, the pain will be prolonged.

Says the G7 is unleashing an inflationary holocaust. He believes that in the end the things that will lead us out are those which have sound fundamentals and this leads him to look at commodities. He acknowledges the current deflationary cycle that is cutting prices, but that the flood of money MUST drive up real asset prices, like they always have.

Believes Asian countries should not step into the breach to sacrifice their savings in order to save the US from its poor decisionmaking. He observes there is no reason or rationale for Singapore to toss their massive reserves into the fire

Conversely Bloomberg and CNN are advising people to turn off the TVs and that central banks will fix this problem through intervention.  My money is on Jimmy Rogers being right.

but that was before today when i finally acknowledged that i had a problem. today when i popped in the pilates dvd i haven't looked at in months, since the last time i tried to do this and shed 20 pounds in three months only to gain them all back in one. today when i stuck to a meal plan and every time i had an urge to eat, i ate a carrot. (i ate about a pound of carrots, but that's better than two large fast-food happy meals.)

you'd think, from the way i talk, that i weigh a gazillion pounds, especially the way i can put down a half gallon of ice cream in one night. but i don't. most people don't say i look fat, but it's weird; i carry so much of my weight in my upper arms and thighs that nothing looks right on me unless it's baggy.

but since the carrot feast i feel just awful. is this a result of some addiction i'm walking away from? or were the carrots past their prime? they're still sweet enough but, you know, baby carrots... baaaaaaaby vegetables. they aren't really baby carrots; they're just carrots tossed around in a baby-carrot maker until they shine. that reminds me, who's its baby-carrot mama?

sorry. sense of humor sometimes is the only way through.

so, day one. i stayed smart. sweetest thing i had was a handful of trader joe's granola with skim milk. carrots. a quesadilla, made with 1/4 cup of cheese instead of half the bag and with cooking spray instead of butter. and a quick noodle dish at lunch. still too many carbs, esp. with the toast for breakfast but...

i am quitting an addiction kinda cold turkey. i have to relearn food.

i'm glad i'm blogging this anonymously. i used to always post to my famous-name blog that i was losing weight and then i'd always fail. i think i like the accountability of strangers on this one.

and today is a win.

Dont open the refrigerator, you already looked in there. She didn't buy anything new, the only food you want in there is left over dinner, you want ALL OF IT. You want to binge on it until your so full you can barley see straight and then stagger over to the bathroom toilet and purge until your completely numb. IM NOT LISTENING TO YOU TODAY ED. im working with Barbara again, the nutritionist you hate. Im trying really hard to follow her meal plan. I know we hate to follow it. i know it makes us think were fat. ED i dont want to break up with you yet, i still love you. i love all the time weve spent together. All the nights weve binged and purged. The many times weve gone for weeks without eating ..watching those numbers drop on the scale was like watching a sunrise after a brutal storm. But i have a nicer boyfriend EDward..and a family..and friends...and they dont like you ED. If I don't start to separate myself from you...im going to have to go away again. the place where they made me the "F" word..you know that word...you call me the "F" word all the time. You did it to me last night after my shower. FUCK YOU ED! i did so well with my meal plan, and then you made me stand naked and circle in magic marker all the parts of my body you thought i should fix. your such a burden ED! i want to do so much with my life, and im just carrying you around on my back..waiting for you to tell me what to eat ..what to wear..when to go out..what to think of myself..IM SICK OF IT...

...i want to break up

its not me

its you ED 

I was never a social drinker.  It's not a fair question for me, but this is me, this is how I am, how I feel, and what happened to me.  I'm an introvert.  It takes me a long time to warm up to people.  I often prefer to be alone, and I definitely prefer being alone to being with strangers.  I drank in bars only a few times, from either desperation or maybe to see what I was missing.  In Bill's place, my dilemma wouldn't have been phone or bar, it would have been phone or liquor store and hotel room.  But anyway-

I've been at my present job for ten years, but only one person there has known me for that long.  Several of the people have known me for a few years, and some know me well.  But no one there knows I'm in AA.  It's not that I mind them or anyone knowing.  Sometimes when I first stopped drinking, I was hesitant to tell people, because so often I drank again.  That's not an issue for me now.  There is one person I'm close enough to that I wish I had told her a long time ago.  Now it seems weird.  There are three other people I used to work with who know, but they aren't there anymore.

It's not a huge hobby of theirs to go out drinking after work, but at times they do.  I have always said no to this.  I did so at my previous job also.  After a while, the people get to know I won't go, and they don't ask.  Or, if they especially want me there, like when people get together who used to work there, they will go to a place like Panera's so I'll go.  No one has asked me directly about why I don't drink.  I might tell them if they did.  And really, in person I am quite small, quiet and mild mannered.  But I am a lesbian.  So I don't know what they make of me.

Today we had a training day, so it was filled with comradery.  We went out to breakfast first thing, and after work, they decided to go to the bar.  I guess there are enough new enough people that they didn't know that I don't go.  So they asked me to go, and I said no.  So they said, "Oh come on." And laughed and begged and whined.  Then talked about how much fun I must be drunk.  How they must get me drunk!

I recently listened to the book A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.  The person he is hiking with gives up drinking, but goes back to it, because, he says, there's an empty place in his life where drinking used to be.  He gets a job where the people go to the bar after work every night, and he goes alone back to his room.  Until one day he doesn't.

Like I wrote, I'm not the average person in this way.  I never liked hanging out, especially not with strangers.  But this is me.

After 24 years of sobriety, I am in no danger of drinking if I do decide to go to the bar with the gang.  It wouldn't phase or bother me.  Actually the smoke might bother me, if they even still smoke at bars.  I don't know.  But the smell of smoke does kick up cravings in me.  But drinking?  No.  I don't want to do it, and I'm not going to.

I feel like a bit of a stickler, not going to bars.  I very much don't want to give anyone the impression that this is part of life in AA, not going out a few times a year with the gang.  I could do it if I wanted to.  I'm often around alcohol and it doesn't bother me a bit.  I've just chosen not to go to these things where drinking seems to be the main activity.

Someone else was mentioning not going because of the problem of driving home after drinking.  This is not something I worried about when I was drinking, and I'm just lucky that nothing happened.  But thankfully people are more enlightened now.  Someone else, who was trying to get people to attend, made a comment something like, "Well you can chew on a cheese stick, for goodness sake!"  Meaning you can go and hang out and not drink.

In early sobriety, or if I felt my sobriety was in jeopardy in any way, I would not risk it.  No way.  Part of "don't quit before the miracle" involves the time when you no longer want to drink, not even if you could.  Today I chose, and I've so far always chosen, not to go to these things if I don't "have" to.  Tomorrow they may be talking about how someone made a fool of herself.  And they won't be talking about me.

So, I called, mentioned how I had been thinking about him during all the stock market turmoil (he loves that kind of thing), and then I did the unthinkable: I apologized to him for hitting him. I told him I still couldn't believe I did that (true), and that I had been too ashamed to try to clear the air between us in person (not true).  I told him I was truly sorry if I had hurt him (even I'm not sure if this is that's true).

I used that sneaky service to leave the message about an hour ago.  I have heard nothing since. I think I was expecting him to stampede the phone, and I'm already a bit hurt that he hasn't. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I knew this would happen. I knew he'd reject me. I shouldn't have tried. I hate myself for being so weak. He doesn't deserve an apology, he should apologize to me for what he's done to me. But I miss him so much. How is this possible?

I have felt down before, and I know my depression is reaching a dangerous level. My thoughts keep lingering on the fact that I don't want to be an old lady anyway. And the thought of leading a life as empty as the one I'm leading now, especially without someone who I felt I could connect to at times (when he wasn't being abusive)...I just don't know how much longer I can go on.

Not that I'd actively try to harm myself (I don't think...yet), but I continue to entertain notions of truly self-destructive behavior with an air of "f*ck-it all!" bravado.

I need to see a doctor before something bad happens, but I'm so down that I doubt I'll even try to do so. I hate myself.