Ilustrações: Jorge Correia (eu)
História: "Tesouros da literatura portuguesa"

payaza - foto dani meres

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Se queres falar do mundo em tua arte comece por tua aldeia. Algo assim disse o artista filosofando. Comece pelo teu mundo. Comece pelo teu corpo, Raimundo. Comece pelo que sempre evita, mas vivencia Pelo que sempre evita, mas a vida ensina.

Pelo que

evidencia...

Entre otras hipótesis, se baraja la represalia política, dado que la deflagración coincide con la difusión de un panfleto socialista que informaba de la “desorbitada” subida de los salarios del Secretario y la Interventora del Ayuntamiento; así como, del “espectacular endeudamiento actual del ayuntamiento, que contrasta con el superávit que habían dejado los socialistas”. Asimismo, se considera la autoría de unos gamberros o algún perturbado.

Tarín declara que ha denunciado los hechos ante la Guardia Civil y lo ha puesto en conocimiento de los responsables del ayuntamiento “para que dispongan las medidas pertinentes a fin de que sucesos de estas características no se extiendan y acaben afectando a cualquier chestano”. En caso de confirmarse la hipótesis de la represalia política, Tarín calificaría de “mafiosos” a los autores y condenaría enérgicamente cualquier intento de acallar la libertad de expresión.

Raimondo Pedrosa - mnich Xiaolin. Jest Smokiem Wiatru. Pochodzi z Rio De Janeiro w Brazylii. Zostaje przywódcą w ostatnim odcinku. Niezwykle żądny władzy, raz dołączył w tym celu do Heylinu. Jego Broń Wudai to Ostrze Nebuli, a jego Ulepszenie Broni Wudai to Grzebień Kondora.

Enseguida me puse a buscar trabajo de profesora en un colegio pero me acabaron echando porque falsifique las faltas de asistencia de un alumno y me pillo un profesor que se lo dijo al director. El pobre niño no tenía la culpa, había sido su madre la que lo había llevado tarde y si faltaba un día más le iban a hacer repetir curso, asique lo tuve que ayudar.

Como tenia libre porque me habían despedido del trabajo me había dedicado a plantar frutas en mi huerto y sacar algo de dinero, cuando llegue al último nivel, podía hablar con las plantas!!! Cuando me canse de estar en casa fui a un local para divertirme y me dijeron que si visitaba varios locales me podía encontrar con el conde y la condensa, dos vampiros!! Al principio no me lo podía creer pero finalmente me encontré con el conde y lo invite a casa. No sé si fue muy buena idea porque nada más llegar, en un momento de descuido, me mordió y me convirtió en vampira. Una nueva experiencia, el problema era que me acababan de aceptar en un nuevo trabajo y era por el día asique no me venía nada bien el no poder salir a la luz de sol. Al final llame a una gitana, que aparte de organizar citas a ciegas tiene todo tipo de pociones para curar enfermedades extrañas. Le compre una poción de vampirocilia-D y volví a ser normal. Acabe invitando a vivir al conde conmigo porque la verdad es que me empezaba a gustar y quería tenerlo cerca por si quería volver a experimentar la sensación de ser un vampiro. Además el conde trajo sus 52.000 simoleons a casa. Nunca pensé que fuese tan rico!!!

Cuando volvía al local donde había conocido al conde vi un chico rubio que era muy guapo se llamaba Ticiano, me gusto desde el primer momento en que le vi. Yo a él no le caí bien al principio pero con el paso del tiempo sabía que iba a conseguir que cayese rendido ante mí.

En el nuevo trabajo conocí a Samanta, estaba embarazada y era profesora, nos caímos muy bien e intente llamarla en mi día libre, pero no tenia teléfono!! Asique la invite otro día al acabar el trabajo. Nos hicimos muy amigas y decidí, ya que estaba sola que iba hacer de casamentera. Iba a conseguir que el conde y ella se enamorasen. Mientras tanto yo seguí conociendo a Ticiano y nos acabamos enamorando. Yo quiero que se convierta en vampiro para que sienta lo mismo que yo, en ello estoy, el problema ha sido que al ir a presentarle al conde este se ha dado cuenta de que yo había estado con Ticiano y se ha enfadado. Al principio no sabía qué hacer para que me perdonase asique me disculpe con él un montón de veces, al final acabe enfadándome yo porque no me escuchaba!! Además intente darle un beso de amigos y se enfadó conmigo. Menos mal que gracias al zumo de fresa, receta mágica de mi abuela, se nos paso el enfado a los dos. Ahí es cuando me alegre de no haber vendido todo lo que había cosechado en mi huerta. Al final el conde y yo hemos quedado como compañeros y ha aceptado que me gusta Ticiano. El problema ahora es que Raimundo aun no sabe que me enamore de Ticiano, no sé cómo se lo voy a contar.

Y así ya os he contado todo lo que ha pasado hasta hoy. Aun sigo intentando que Samanta venga a mi casa para que se quede con el conde, había pensado en invitarla a vivir con nosotros pero entonces tendré que deshacer el hechizo de envejecimiento. Esperare a comprometerme con Ticiano a que haya unido a Samanta y al conde porque me imagino que luego iremos a vive a una casa solos. Ya os contare lo que va ocurriendo en mi vida. Hasta pronto.

Trying not to burn something down for the last little while trying to figure out how people can continue to treat each other this way. In the absence of any reaction but emotional anger and violence, Raimundo says fuck it, lets propogate a song featuring the words "hump on you".

From the New York Times: "....definitely... (,) ... useful."

From the Springfield Daily Shopper: "What a goddamn load of garbage."

From msnbc.com: "Great, another unemployed shitbag who sits in his parent's basement eating cereal with fictitious vampires on the box and keeps from flinging himself off something tall by puking out garbage into the blogosphere. Quick, somebody call the press."

From webworkerdaily.com: "Sir, after repeated attempts to press upon you our desire to maintain no communication whatsoever with either you or anyone representing you, we are now forced to empower legal representation in this matter.  You are forbidden from any or all communication with us by phone, fax, email or in person, as of the date of this letter.  The next time you are caught outside our building in any state other than sober and in full dress, you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, such that it exists here in the virtual web world where we exist, since we are deathly afraid of any and all real human interaction."

From Noam Chomsky:  "The definition of 'failed humans' is hardly scientific. But they share some primary characteristics. They are unable or unwilling to protect themselves from emotional violence and perhaps even destruction. They regard themselves as beyond the reach of domestic or international scorn, hence free to carry out random forms of self expression. And if they have passable human forms, they suffer from a serious "relational deficit" that deprives their everyday interaction of real substance. One of the hardest tasks that anyone can undertake, and among the most important, is to look honestly in the mirror. If we allow ourselves to do so, we should have little difficulty in finding the characteristics of "broken toilet of a man" right there, at Milkshakes and Anger. That recognition of reality should be deeply troubling to those who care about the state of humanity in general, because these problems are not localised in space or time, though there are important variations of particular significance for the future of the human story.  It's not a complete waste of physical and virtual resources though, I really do enjoy that little Raimundo, what a little scamp."

Wow, the venerable Mr. Chomsky, or Chompy as I like to call him, mentioned our little Raimundo.  When I slammed the cage door door with a pipe wrench right next to his sleeping head and startled him awake he was so excited to hear about Chompy that he peed almost unconntrollably all over the dirty little scrap of carpet he sleeps on.

 And remember readers, there's always room for all of Jebus' creatures on this earth, some just need to be next to the mashed potatoes. CGS

the playgrounds

and wonder

a blue flash, I turn

nothing there but a fast blue car

zoom zoom zooming

a boy scream, like delight?

viet-flashbacks of colossal jumps made of old plywood and anthills

I turn again

no delight

he screams because his foot is in a dogs’s mouth

thrashing and foam and blood and whites of eyes

I’ll ask him

he doesn’t answer

he doesn’t care

he screams and screams

thanks for the help little fucker

this is what I fought for?

my skull echoes

bdr bdr bdr bdr – but really fast

the ace of clubs is smashed against the spokes

over and over

the rounds of a killing stick pointed center of mass at Marine Sergeant Kent Steves from Mineral Point, Wisconsin

stop it godamnit, just please make it stop

have you?

seen

my bike?

have you seen my bike?

call 403.477.1955 if you have

and say a prayer for Sergeant Kent and the one legged boy while you dial

and don’t call before about 9 AM

PLEASE

call (after 9 AM)

it stops when I can ride again

when I can ride again

…when I can ride again

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

 Now that you are all giddy, CLICK HERE WITH YOUR MOUSE DEVICE and tell me that this is not damn funny and erotically titilating at the same time. Brother with an accent like that leaves both Raimundo and I all turned on and shit.  But not in a gay way.

After almost two and a halfthree days and disciplined regiment of posting nearly daily, I have yet to receive literary immortality status adulation requests for interviews free stuff anything named after me recognition of any sort attention from my friends and family attention from strangers constructive criticism feedback in any form one single fucking comment from someone other than me in disguise.

SHHHH! Its starting....

Therefore, ergo, thencefrom: I am announcing a series of contests.  Over the next 365 days, every-time I feel like it, am craving recognition and attention or can't think of anything of substance to post, there shall be games!

We start with a bang, and that means: contestus thrice!!!

Contest the First: The first reader to post a comment falling in any of the below categories will be sent an autographed photograph of Raimundo.

• Interesting;

• Intelligent;

• Insightful;

• Insulting;

• In English; 

Contest the Second: The reader that posts a comment telling me where they are from that ends up being the farthest from where I am wins not only an autographed picture of Raimundo, but also a coaster Windows 98 CD-ROM entitled "100,000 Designer Clip-Art" to be used in good spirit and health cutting and pasting badly drawn holly wreaths and funny little horsey faces all over everything you do.

Contest C: The reader that emails me the most:

Interesting;

Intelligent;

Insightful; or

Inviting:

...photograph of her panties... 

...wins heretofore referenced photograph of Raimundo, my episodic esteem coupled with incessant advances and, and a

Mystery "I Love Rock & Roll" Trash Can Filled With Diamonds, Cash, Gold and More.

Please do not send actual panties, just a photograph of them.  If you or someone else is wearing them at the time, this is also acceptable.

All three contests close when good enough stuff to post arrives.

All entries to milkshakesandanger at gmail.com 

Keep on keeping on.  CGS