In this life, most people either get luck or love. As for me, I'll take love.

Found myself thinking the above while reading an excellent book: Bridge of Sighs by Richard Russo. I'm not sure I believe that saying one hundred percent, but it sure sounds good. Sounds like something one of the characters in my own novel might say -- like something a person really could believe, down to their core.

I've been suffering from blog fatigue lately. Partly because I'm not sure what I believe, regarding many things. Lots on my mind, plenty happening, but I've internalized most of it. Chewing on it, maybe even digesting it partly before vomiting it back out on here. (Sorry so graphic...)

Plus I've had to up the ante on my jobsearch and the amount of time it requires. I could be delivering pizzas within a few weeks if something better doesn't turn up. Looking for work in this climate is a test of faith... not so much in God, as in America. (Not that I ever had an abundance of faith in my country or its leadership. I'm nobody's fool, at least not politically.)

Lastly, as might be expected, looking for work in any economic climate is a test of faith in oneself. With every coverletter, I reframe and reconsider how my skills and life experience might be brought to bear on this potential new role. With every job posting I skim -- deciding more by instinct than any clear rationale whether it's a yes, no, or maybe-- I am forced to evaluate past choices and present values. It's psychically exhausting, frankly.

Some might suggest "It's just a job, not your life." I agree, up to a point. But I want to take my life seriously, even the mundane or fun parts of it.  Some of the spiritual "men's work" I've been doing lately is all about that. So like that old U.S. Army marketing/recruiting slogan once said: "It's not just a job. It's an adventure."

Well, I've got my workboots on. Let the adventure begin.

A few more pieces of inspiration for success and career today. I'm really looking forward to my trip to New York this weekend. I feel like some amazing opportunities are going to come out of this weekend. But you never know what opportunities are going to come out of every day. It seems to be the most random of situations or events that always end up being the unexpected chance. I'm trying to be prepared. There's the saying that luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Well I'm trying to make sure when the opportunities come, I've prepared myself. And I've been very bold the past week about speaking up and throwing myself into situations as well. Sometimes it's true that we make our own opportunities, so whenever appropriate, I've been giving chance a little nudge.

I hope that today you'll take whatever steps you can to make yourself ready for your opportunities. Today's quotes (I liked them both too much to chose) are Wayne Dyer again. I like thier direct truth.

"Keep a solid picture of the task you want to accomplish in your mind, and refuse to let that intention disappear."

"The elevator to success is out of order today. You're going to have to take the stairway there, one step and a time."

It's a wild type oscilloscope
One foot in nothingness
The other in nameless
Cloaked in a rope

9 percent
You tell again
Never seen before
Invisible but divisible things
Rush for nothing
Through a golden dull corridor
Quicksand gatecrashes a party

Sometimes a crazy hanged
Has the luck of the devil

Mae Linat © 2008

Firstly unlike theirs my course was lagging behind, thanks to all the classes I had bunked this month. Secondly I really think (I might sound critical) the people in that class don't know what discussions mean.(not their fault). Because everything is so much forced, so much cliched, so much fake, passe, and everything so censored, that discussions are not discussions. Their essence gets lost (By the way thats not what i wish to talk about). So when she started up with a topic -DO YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK? I didn't even bother to look up from the score of work that was lying in the Q for me to attend to.

She was acknowledging different views when this guy (i dont even know his name) who stood up to give his views. What he said was - yes he was really lucky! and satisfied! thats because he said he had got everything he could have asked for. Thats when I did look up and felt like standing and yelling -'blast such a luck!' What actually hit me that moment over his statement is what I have expressed before: people really dont know what they talk about.

LUCK, DESTINY, etc. These, always, to me have been excuses. For me it is the way Jennifer Love Hewitt has put it in the movie 'IF ONLY'-"No one creates your destiny, nor any thing forges your luck. Everyone has been given good  and equal enough chances to define their future, contour their destiny, and outline it. And that you do by the 'choices' that you make."

Future is neither decided before you take birth and nor by what you have been provided in life. But more of what you have made out of your life. Yes I say it now 'I AM LUCKY'. You know why I say the same sentence. The same one I just spelled as absurd? Because this time I know what I am talking about. I made choices I am proud of. What I chose my dream to be. Who I choose as my idol. Who I chose as a friend. What I chose as my integrity. My morals. And essentially - what I chose to be! Yes I say it again. I guess I have made the right choices.They were difficult to make because times are difficult both for me and Aischa and there were moments when we doubted our own verdicts. But right now, at this moment, I respect them and I can say I am proud of them! So now you see? Ultimately no one else is responsible for what I am and who I am right now but myself.

I have nothing but respect for what Sean Covey has got to say-

Whether I fail or succeed will be no man's doing, but my own!

                       I AM THE FORCE!

Raeha :)

Even my friends can agree that I have the craziest things happen to me and get into the weirdest of situations.  I don't think I do anything in particular to bring these things on either!  There must just be something about me that causes weird moments.  I'm still figuring it out but until I know for sure, I can already predict some "WTF" moments coming up in the next week.

That's not the weird part though. The weird part is that the motel owners - who have gone above and beyond to keep me happy, including, even, doing major upgrades of their Internet (complete with antenna/repeater on the roof of my room).... have decided that I am ~special~

Actually, the fact that I even have a room is weird - it's a motel ... I fully expect that I might be assigned a different room at some point ... and this is a non-smoking room and I am not a non-smoker ... so now that there IS Internet further down the way, I could be in a smoking room. But no, this is the best room (the bathtub works) and it is my room.

So much so that whoever has been using it is going to return to the motel at some point to find that all of his stuff has been packed up and moved for him .... some Mondays I go to visit my kids after class so don't get here until late afternoon ... but since I didn't do that, they hadn't got him moved before I got here.

I did tell them that I didn't mind if they wanted to leave whoever was here and I could take the other room but - now we're getting to the weird part - apparently, that would break the lucky streak and his wife, who is the superstitious one, would be upset with him. I wonder if the ~special~ orange towel is part of the whole 'lucky' thing...she insists on bringing it - usually about an hour after I arrive. I never USE it...but she always brings it.

Apparently it has been decided that I am the source of all of the increased business with which they have 'been blessed' since I got here.... every room was filled last night - that never happens on a Sunday night and it is all because I am happy with my room and come every week. Honestly, the guy looked so crestfallen when I told him that next week I would  not come until Tuesday (because  of Thanksgiving) ...I didn't have the heart to tell him that the week after that is reading week and I won't be here at all!

Geez.... I thought the fact that they spent so much money upgrading their Internet was pressure... now I have to worry about their luck too?

But, lazy as we are, we decided that we're starting next monday, so this week is kind of a "goodbye" to all the fat in our lives, and then we're doing this, for real! So, wish me luck?!

I was with someone, a guy, a boyfriend - but not anyone I actually know. We were driving and we were in an accident. We went to the hospital. We were bleeding profusely. Then we were in another accident. And I don't know what. I don't remember the exact details.

I was feeling really anxious before I went to sleep last night. That might have caused it.

I was also tired. As I am right now.

Wish me luck.

Luck is an interesting thing. You can have good luck or bad luck. Someone can wish you luck.  

I was the luckiest guy in the world during the past year. I traveled to Italy in August 2007. On my second night there I was introduced to the love of my life. We discovered we were on the same Mediterranean cruise. We soon discovered we lived in Los Angeles at the same time, knew the same people, and we even attended the same parties. Yet, we never met. How cool is that? There's a time for everything. It was a whirlwind, shipboard romance the likes of which I'll never see again. The first time we kissed was against the rail of the ship as we cruised down the Mediterranean Sea, Perseid Meteors flying overhead. There were close to 2000 people on board that ship. Well, not at that moment. I thought the kiss only lasted a few seconds. I was told it lasted an hour and a half. That was some kiss.  We took the romance home with us. It was magical, intense, beautiful, amazing, so many wonderful things. I'm a lucky guy! Then something went wrong and after a phenomenal year it's been put on hold.

I've been lucky throughout my life, too. I have a wonderful family. I've had amazing jobs. I've met wonderful people. I have longtime friends and newfound friends. I've lived in four major metropolitan areas. I've had money and I've had no money.  I've traveled.  I've had beautiful homes. 

What constitutes luck?

I'm a lucky guy!

I'm John Joseph Andrucci.

After a gap of eight years, now at the brink of getting married I let myself be led into the game and a meeting was arranged between the prospective bride and myself. I had heard quite a bit about her from the one who had proposed it. Not that I did not consider her worthy of myself, I lack self confidence in general. I met her and over a 3 hour meeting I was trying to come to terms with the fact that someone could think just like me. After 3 hours we were indecisive of what next! Hence, the next logical step was to meet again. Dinner for next day was planned and dismissed next day and instead lunch for day after fixed. Reasons for cancelling previous dinner were niether provided nor solicited. The next meeting went off cordially. She had seeped into me and it was becoming difficult to control myself from asking her 'Will you marry me'. But, I am a decent boy from decent family and such ideas should be forgotten at twise the speed at which they are born. We parted on a friendly note and that is where my journey began.

I am right now in a bus from Mumbai to Pune and trying to come to terms with the fact that I haven't heard from her since. It is so bloody easy to get anything physically out of your system but when it comes to getting thoughts of a person out of you, I thinlk it is the most daunting task. We spent not more than 5 hours together, but it feels like I know her for years. Trying to get her out of me is going to take days, weeks maybe months. It took only 5 hours for her to sap into my thoughts, corrupt my neurons and magnetize my thinking. The question is how do I get her out of my mind?

Learning - don't let anyone take control of you, unless you are sure its going to last. Don't provide anyone a window into your mind to poke their head in. The worst thing is that all this happens so unknowingly. Probably even the other person does not know what they are doing. Forgive and forget is very apt for this kinda situation.

I just wish I get to hear some good news.......if I do.....good....if I don't it'll take some time for me to get back on with life.

....

I did call her. We talked liked friends and laughed off the relation building angle. After some pensive thought I made a giant leap and asked he if she wanted to continue. I wouldn't say my heart sank but rather that my luck played comepletely in tune with previous experiences. She hid it under a viel of indecisiveness. I cannot understand why do people care for you so much and at the same time also not care. This is a case in point. To avoid hurting my feelings she didn't say a clear 'no'.....instead she hurt my feelings by saying 'no' under the garb of 'I don't know'.

In times when people loose all hope, they turn to the higher powers. One prays to God. Like always, luck scores a perfect 10....nothing happens. After such encounters, one really tries to find out the meaning of the word 'Hope'.

I've always observed that when I pray for a train to come on time it does, when I pray for a computer system to work it does, but when I pray for the big decisions in my life like this one nothing happens. Wonder, whether God does exist! If he did he would have done something.

My faith in God took a long time to develop and getting shaken at a faster speed. I really wish that like how the scriptures say, he does have a plan for me.

Afterthoughts,

1. one's life has to move on....probability of good and bad happening is equal....it happens in unequal proportions, hence leading to a credible evidence that probability exists. I will not debate further on god, lest he gets angered and does something really good to me.

2. If I could allow people to gamble on my life's events like roulette and I could also play myself, I'm dead sure with the luck that I have I'd at least make a lot of money.

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When my family moved into Sengkang, I was 12. Sec 1. I think my mum went travelling, and she brought back those round fridge magnets you see in the image.

(From top) "Happiness", "Good Luck", "Mind", "Win", "Dream".

At 12, those were what I decided to be the factors needed for a good life, in order of diminishing importance, top-down.

I remember wanting to rearrange them, a few years ago. Can't remember if it was to rearrange the order in accordance to my adjusting values, or to straighten it. I couldn't, anyway, because it was stuck fast to the fridge.

This morning I was in the kitchen eating a slice of chocolate cake my mum bought for me last night. And I was reflecting on what's going to happen (I haven't thought much about what to do after I get to Aus, actually). The magnets caught my eye again.

If I could rearrange them all, it'd probably go like this --"Dream", "Good Luck", "Mind", "Happiness," "Win". Indeed, I'm not much of a "Want to Win Everything" person...

What about you? How would you arrange them, in order of importance?

Your parents spend all this time taking care of you, but one day you decide to do drugs. BANG.

You spend all night writing an essay, but when you finally get to class it's not to be found and one day late leaves you with a zero. BANG.

The earth was alive for many years, sustaining liife, and taking care of its inhabitants. Then, we decide to drill for oil, pollute the air, and kill it's atmosphere, all in one shot. BANG.

You love someone forever, and you think nothing could ever change that, but one day, you find out the feeling wasn't ever mutual. BANG.

Eating at a fancy restaurant where there couldn't possibly any flies, you get served some amazing soup that costs 30 dollars, only to watch as a lonely fly happens to die and fall right in your bowl. PLOP.

Bad luck is so inconsequential. Or is it really bad luck?
Maybe we live to fail. That's so weird. Why would we live to fail? Are we doing too much in life? Should we just be sitting around and not trying? Perhaps things would then turn out better.

But really, failure just makes life a bit interesting.

*****

my song: Big Bang - Haru Haru

Well I don't know if I would call it LUCK since I worked REALLY hard for it!  I don't think that things happen by chance or accidents.  Things happen the way we design them- both while we are here on this planet AND before we even got here.

Well I have to say I am quite happy with how I designed my life this time around! (yes I believe that this is not my first time here and I don't think it's my last either)

I have amazing parents who have supported me all my life in reaching for my dreams.  I am a bit of an oddball though in my extended family since I think my dreams and desires are on a whole different planet.  I believe I am the only entrepreneur.

So needless to say I have very different views on MOST things: family, spirituality, relationships, communication, life and death, purpose, passion and money.  Do you ever feel like the oddball out?  In my case, I am pleased to be that.

I just finished writing a 10 page "homework" item for a movie I am shooting at the end of October.  I can't really say anything about it yet but it's inspirational and a documentary or sorts.  When I said "YES!" to the project, I had NO IDEA I would have to basically write a book to go along with my appearance on the film.  Oh well- it's material for the second book Jeanne and I are working on!

But it got me thinking about TRUST, EMPOWERMENT, HAPPINESS, VOICE, OPPORTUNITY and WEALTH.  This is what I had to write about.  As well as the Law of Attraction and the Law of Gratitude.  There were more laws I could have chosen but these are the two I try to practice and be conscious of the most.

Food for thought...  what do you believe about these?

• TRUST
• EMPOWERMENT
• HAPPINESS
• VOICE
• OPPORTUNITY
• WEALTH

You don't have to answer me but imagine if you asked 3 people in your life about this.  Most likely each person would have a different answer for each point!  We are what we believe.  And we all believe different things!!!

Let's get back to my gratitude list for the day...

I am thankful for:

• Mom and Dad and brother Brian
• My wonderful and amazing husband Brian
• Kelly, Maca, Jaime, Susan and Haggerty
• Jeanne and Allen, Tina, Pam and Rena
• Alexis for her help and support
• Corneil- I miss you!!!
• Doc and Deezel
• The mama cat outside who makes me smile that she came back to see me and get some good food!
• Richard and Jimmy for all their help and assistance
• Our BMM group for sticking it out and going with the flow
• The weather for being comfortable and shiny here in CA to brighten my day
• For all of the people who have trusted me to help them change their bodies and therefore their lives! J
• For all the trainers and coaches who I have had the privilege to work with over the years in my company.
• For the Purizaca family for really teaching me to dance and making 2004-2006 some of the best times of my life!
• My health
• My brain
• My consciousness
• For everyone who came to the wedding in Kauai
• For The Secret to bring a lot of it together and help me manifest Brian!

Feels good to say thank you.  For in some ways, we are all blessed.

“The fool who fools himself that he’s happy is better off than the smart man fooling himself that happy doesn’t mean a thing.” – Walter Mosley.

I read this quote and I liked it a lot, but I really don’t know what to make of it. In some ways I think it has matters nailed to rights. I believe that often we fool ourselves about the superiority of our intellectual lives as compared to other types of life we could be leading. Perhaps we would be better off just leading a simple life and not occupying ourselves with more ‘weighty’ concerns. At the same time, I know I’m too strongly committed to this type of life to ever do otherwise, and the strength of my commitment says to me that there must be something of genuine value here. Maybe the fool is truly better off, but the smart man cannot alter whether he’s smart or not and so has no choice but to play the hand he’s been dealt.

If we’re born with certain qualities, and these qualities largely define the sort of life we’re capable of, they also largely define how well off we can be. So then it seems that even happiness is mostly a matter of luck. I really don’t know what to think about these things. What do other people think?

I used to be pretty disiplined.... not tons but at least some.  I used to hate sitting around for long periods of time... I would get uncomfortable and fidgety.  Now I truly don't care.

I used to take time and keep my hair looking nice and my makeup and now I don't even shower every day!!! <<< and yes, it bothers me that I am not clean, but I just don't have the motivation, somtimes.

I don't keep up with friends (I'm sooo terrible at that), but I am online ALL of the time.

And now for the biggy.... I used to hate having a messy room/ house.   Now I don't care.  I barely bothers me.  I used to go crazy when I lived with my little sister (at the begining of the year- for a couple of months) and her husband and I thought it was messy all of the time.... AND NOW MINE IS WORSE.!!!!!!

When it started there were always little reasons.... like.....   it takes time to get settled and everything to find a place <<<< very true.  Or.....  I was sick and not feeling well <<< That was true.

And now, I just don't fell up to it.  Like this state of depression.... again.  I HATE WHEN THE DEPRESSION SETS IN!!!!!! I don't want to take medication for it again.   It sucked... and I really am not sure that it would work.... it just made me not care.

So, I need to be a better wife.....   I want to be me again!!!!

I want to:

Actually plan and prepare meals ahead of time

Clean the house (and keep it picked up)

Budget better

Take care of myself (hair, face, stretching)

so, now.... these are my goals.  I have set them.... let's see how I do.  :)   Good luck to me  :)

So what have I done lately since my last post was like 2 weeks old. I've been thinking.. digging for good memories, asking question and finding it. Well all I've got to say in this blog is, September Sucks BALLZ... it's the worst month I had so far.. and wishing it not to return again. I doubt that many of you have already know what has happened along the month.

As it was a relatively fucked up month, I'll just list them down and scream at the whole world.

1.) Been to Singapore with my last saving, well, singapore sucks if you do not have much money to spend

2.) Lost a very best mate of mine (YES! I'm still yearning, so shut up!)

3.) Broke my 5-years-old chair..

4.) Pimples popping out endlessly

5.) My tooth started to be uneven without any direction (franz I need my retainer back)

6.) I'm starting to be perceived as the most arrogant bastard

7.) Planned to study but ended up on my bed all days.

8.) Babylon A.D is the movie you would never want to waste a single penny on, not even worth to be downloaded.

9.) Lost my economy textbook with all my notes in it.

10.) Western countries are having financial crisis, and indirectly, so have I...

and many more insurmountable troubles that were needed to be solve but no solution.. 

Now, it's the new month... so pray to god, surprise my with fascinating events... or at least, brighten my day and life up

=)

Wake me up when the fucked up September ends- by Green day

• Financial
• Love and Relationship
• Educational
• Career and Professional
• Health and Medical
• Just for Fun

They run the gamut from "silly to serious."  Here are a couple that I tried:

The people at ivillage put together a quiz about career choices.  I thought I'd try it to see if I chose a career that is right for me (I did).  Here is just a snippit of my results:

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

• Artist
• Historian
• Banker
• Novelist
• University Professor
• Photographer
• Vet
• Paralegal
• Graphic Designer
• Online Content Developer
• Webmaster
• Producer
• Managing Director
• Nutritionist
• Advertising
• Nursing

I'm going to live to be 84 years old, according to the Life Expectancy Calculator at MSN Money - apparently I swim at the deep end of the gene pool.

CNN's retirement planner let me know that I will be working past the age of 65, since I won't be able to afford to retire - that university professor career choice is coming back to haunt me.

One of the sites (Blogthings) gave me the opportunity to see how lucky I am.  I recently won my first contest, so I was feeling pretty good about the possibilities.  I'm luckier than I thought, since I have never considered myself lucky and had to wait until I was 49 to win a random contest.  However, here are my results:

You have an extremely high luck quotient.
Not only do you consider yourself lucky, probably everyone you know does too.
But you're smart enough to know that you've mostly made your own luck.
By being positive, open, and flexible, a lot of luck has come your way!

There are 46 other sites to visit.  These are just the ones that immediately caught my interest.

Enjoy!

Too Many/ She’s “The One”

So here I sit, early in the morning and can’t sleep. There is simply too many things rushing through my head. I mean why isn’t there? The future is unknown regardless of what you want to happen or even think is going to happen. I have rarely ever really had a plan for my life. I usually lived it by going from place to place and living life like it comes. But as time passes and situations change I realized that I should have a plan for my life. Otherwise it really wouldn’t go anywhere. Too Many times I have let people get to close to my heart too fast. Too Many times I made a wrong choice. Too Many times have I given in to temptation and peer pressure. There are way Too Many “Too many’s” in my life. It stops now… WITH HER… AND RISKING EVERYTHING TO WIN IT ALL. The stakes are like this: Risk losing the closest thing to you, too keep the closest thing to you. It can go either way. I just hope I can walk away without regret.

My teacher tells my class this on a regular basis, “You can not change the past, so why try to live it like its today? Instead, take the opportunites you have today, and build your tomorrow. For tomorrow we’ll call tomorrow today, so LIVE.” I think that explains so much. And even before I ever heard that, that’s exactly how I tried to live. But sometimes I think that if we live TODAY, we might screw up something that will screw up everyday for the rest of your life. In my past I have had girlfriends that have meant a lot to me. Some of them, ended in complete and utter heartbreak. Some of them, ended mutually and we never spoke again. Some of them, ended and we are still friends today. But every relationship I have ever had I put in everything I had. I gave it my all, but somehow it never was good enough. I got cheated on, I got dumped, I got dumped for being TOO GOOD (yeah wtf), I have been chewed out, disrespected and hurt. I grew up wanting to help other people with their problems because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I did. I didn’t want others to hurt. I constantly asked God to change my life. Change it for the better. And I think all those late night sessions of crying and wanting and praying and wishing payed off. I don’t just think so, I KNOW so.

I have said this before but in the midst of me fucking my life over, to nearly the point where it was going to end, to the point where I was getting into so much trouble, to the point where I didn’t think anything would ever change, it did. God saw that where I was not where I should be. He placed a person in my life that would change my life. Forever. And that is something that I can’t even comprehend. How can someone mean so much? How can one person radically change me. Maybe it wasn’t them who was changing me. Maybe it was me subconsciously changing for THEM. Makes sense doesn’t it?

Tara I screwed up. I know I did. I’m announcing it to everyone who could possibly read my page. I wrote another message/letter that was to another person. It was when I was going out with her and I thought that what her and I had was real. But behind the scenes her friends started telling me that she was cheating. I confronted her and she said she wasn’t. Later on in the relationship I found out that what her friends were saying was true. The relationship ended in a horrible manner and we haven’t spoke since. She was one of the couple girls that I have ever said I loved. And when I look at what you and I have compared to what she and I had, I didn’t love her. Not even close. That was a crush compared to what I feel for you. No other girl has made me want to do so much to secure a future. A future for us. I don’t want to spend my life wasting it away. I want to spend it with you. Whether we are spending time watching a movie while cuddled on a couch, whether we are jogging around a lake, whether we are in church, whatever we are doing is worth it. Absolutely worth it. You are worth everything in this world. More than all the women, more than the money, more than my friends, more than my family. You are the only one that means more than any of that. You come second in my life right along side God. You come first to anything in this physical world. I’m dead sorry that you had to doubt me. But don’t, please if there was anytime to trust me it would be right now. You mean far far too much to let go. So let me revise what I had previously written…

Tara, You are The One

So how do you know when you have found the one? What is the one? The one is the one thing in your life that means more than anything else. It could be a prized possession, a physical item, a meaning, a goal. Whatever it may be I encourage you to strive for it, never let it go, never give up on something that means so much. I recently think that I have found “The One.” The one in my life is my girlfriend Tara. She is “the one” for so many reasons. Firstly let me say that she is by far the best girl anyone could ever meet. She is energetic, stunning, funny, calm, hyper, captivating, and caring. If you find someone better than that, well good for you. Tara, you have my entire heart. I give you my everything. You have every last bit of my trust because no one else can keep it. You have my mind because you know everything I don’t tell others. You have my body because I’m not going to give it to someone else. And above all you have my love. I love you more than I do my parents. Like that doesn’t come easy. And this isn’t something I’m doing to say correctly, I’m not trying to deceive you, I’m being honest.

Tara we can talk like there is never going to be a tomorrow. As if we won’t rack up enormous phone bills. I talk to you without hesitation because I trust you. I trust that you aren’t going to just go around saying things I tell you. There is things you know that no one else does. And I’m sure that I know things about you that no one else does. And those things will remain with me forever. And I would hope that you would  too.

I promise that for as long as we live that I’ll do everything I can to protect you, to love you, to encourage you, to be honest with you, to be open, to comfort you, to share my life with you. I’m telling you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Absolutely forever spend my life with you. I want to move closer to you not only because its where I want to go to school. But so I can be closer to you. So we can talk face to face. So I can hold you when your upset. So we can go have fun doing whatever. Because I want the relationship to grow more than it already has. I want it to be better and stronger. I don’t know if you are mad at me, I don’t know if we are cool. We didn’t get to talk as good or as long as we needed to. But please don’t give up on me, because I’m about to come alive. We have grown so close together, that over something so little, it shouldn’t rip us apart. I don’t want us to end badly, I don’t want us to ever end. Everything I ever said was true. And I know you didn’t lie to me. God is continuing to write our love story. And I guarantee that it will be the best, fullest, most romantic, fairytale-like, Love story that anyone has ever seen. I promise.

Forever and Faithfully yours,

Jaymee Parker

August 16, 2008 – Forever

He told me stories of surviving war in Iraq, as a US soldier. Eighteen months. He could have died hundreds of times, but he didn't.

Then, I was talking about talking about something and jinxing it. He said you can't jinx things. Then he told me a story about a lottery ticket and series of wins.

[Trust me -- the story, when it's all put together, will be much better than what I've got here. But I wanted to put it here to 1) remind myself to write about it later, and 2) to remind myself of the title of this blog.]

He had five dollars and bought a lottery ticket, and he won ten dollars. So he took the ten dollars and bought another ticket. He said he always did the same routine: bought the ticket, waited a few days to scratch it, always scratched it at home. And he won, three times in a row. He kept going. And finally he lost. Then, like an epiphany, he realized it doesn't matter if you always wait 3 days to scratch the ticket, or if you always scratch it with the same quarter, or if you always scratch it in your living room -- none of those things matter at all.

He said, "It's already in the ink."

In 3 days time, I'm off to uni. I can't wait for the freedom, the surprises, the challenges. Can't wait to face whatever is awaiting me and live life to the full. No doubt there'll be trials and tribulations, laughter and tears, pain and joy. Perhaps I'll find friendship, perhaps I'll find success, and perhaps, just perhaps, I may even find love.

Yet...it's important to stay grounded, maybe the grass isn't as green on the other side, maybe it'll make me realise once and for all just how lucky and blessed I currently am - I'll settle for that. But nonetheless, this is a new chapter for me, an opportunity to immerse myself in the new and unknown, whilst letting old wounds heal and start afresh. No doubt the transaction may be painful and a shock to the system, but it's a rite of passage that will help me grow, an essential experience - it's like learning to walk.

Today, I'm that girl.

And no, the stain is not figuratively speaking either. Only on days I wear white, and have a 3pm interview for job number 3.

Oh come on now, I know you're jealous. I would be.

Or.Maybe.Not.