So I thought I would dedicate this song to her today.  She needs to hear it.  Her voice is being healed each and every day.  And its a beautiful voice.  The world wants to hear it.

"Silent All These Years"

After a while I throw up in the bog
I think that I'll get a " hair of the dog"
My wallet's not empty, that's a good sign
I better steer clear of that cheap red wine

My mouth needs "Hoovered", and I need a smoke
Lit up, began thinking, when someone spoke
Oh shit, I've just slept with my best friends wife
This is going to complicate my life

I'm wishing that this is just some wet dream
I'm still thinking, trying to hatch a scheme
She looked real good, she smelled even better
A short skirt and a red V-neck sweater

I'd never thought of her this way before
We kissed then made love on the bedroom floor
She screamed so loud as she came from above
For an hour or two, I was in love

I don't think I can face my friend again
Is there really sunshine after the rain?
I'd fallen in love, she gave me the key
The key to her heart, is what she gave me

How could I? Now he's no longer my mate
Me and his ex-wife are getting on great
When love comes knocking you've got a new friend
A friendship that lasts to the very end??

Relationship and Sexual Affair: Accept or Dump? Part 2

by Dr. Coach Love

Continuing from Part 1... A sexual affair is a huge mistake in any relationship, but the individual has a  choice of whether to accept or dump.  While there are actions to consider taking in order to heal, there are also actions to avoid--- whether the goal is to work on accepting an affair or ending the relationship. (See LISTS and REFLECTIONS below.)

Certainly, your values and expectations for your relationship play a big part in how you handle this relationship crisis.  Remember, however, if you decide to move on, you still have emotional healing to do, or it will severely affect the trust level you will be able to achieve in future relationships. 

With your own emotional welfare in mind, resist running away fast from this relationship and "dumping" her. At the other extreme, do not avoid discussing her affair. Sweeping infidelity under the rug because it is painful to discuss or produces conflict, simply continues the problem of disconnection. 

If your partner is motivated and willing, work slowly and deliberately together to gain an understanding of everything --- even if you feel you may walk away eventually. If you decide to stay, create and act on plans for relationship change.  Manage your anger productively, and do not destroy your relationship further by targeting her abusively with either words or actions.

Creating understanding now will help you in future relationships.  Your trust issues will be less affected. You can learn your role in it and how to be less vulnerable to this type of relationship problem.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists-Sexual Affair and Healing; Posts-Part1 7/13/08;

                                  Reflections-Healing Affair Wounds With Time

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy,

                                   brevity, clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Half way along the carefully tended flowerbed, I stop. Or at least, inside me stops; the outside of me carries on strolling, admiring the dahlias. No-one will have noticed – not least my husband, who is walking half a step ahead of me, mentally selecting plants for our garden.

It is the cerebral equivalent of a thunderclap, a parting of the skies by sheet lightning that illuminates the truth. And it is so funny that I almost laugh out loud. Almost that funny, but not quite.

You see what’s been going on is that there are two people living inside my head. There’s the sensible one who’s spent all morning visiting a National Trust property and making all the right noises about history; there’s another who would rather have been lounging on the beach. The first one is quite happy to be with her husband; the second yearns for a surfer-boy to come out of the waves and whisk her away for an afternoon of red hot sex. Owen surfs – but I push the thought away because this has sod all to do with him.

He’s like an innocent bystander to the car crash that was so very nearly my life. And if he’s the innocent bystander then my husband is the unwitting passenger as I take my eye off the road to change the CD. Luckily, I notice the approaching juggernaut just in time.

We wander down the grassy path towards the manor house and I try to come to terms with my discovery. Some mornings, I look in the mirror and I see an attractive young woman; on others I see a knackered old harridan approaching middle age. I rather suspect that the reality is somewhere between the two; however the truth is that I don’t seem able to accept it.

This is the reason so many middle aged men have affairs and make such fools of themselves; a last attempt to taste the fruits of youth before they over-ripen and fall to the ground in a sticky mess. A selfish railing against the perceived injustices of increasing age; a genetic urge to stick up two fingers at the passing of time.

But they are not bad people because of it, I realise, and neither am I. Not bad, just foolish. I wonder if my husband is going through the same thing and rather uncomfortably admit to myself that he might be. In which case, I think I know the answer. Lots of sex – with each other.

Will recently did a interview with a British newspaper and this is what he had to say:

“Our perspective is, you don’t avoid what’s natural and you’re going to be attracted to people.” he says.
“And if it came down to it, then one would say to the other: ‘Look, I need to have sex with somebody. Now, I’m not going to if you don’t approve of it’.”

I love Will Smith as an actor and an all around cool dude. But I don't agree with this, i'm sorry. If it works for you cool.  But it's not reality, of course your going to be attracted to other people, but to ask your wife if you can have sex with someone else? Why? What kind of marriage is that? It's called self restraint Will. Sometimes I have he urge to break windows and hit people in the face. Do I do it? Hell No!!

God puts those urges in you for a reason. It teaches you discipline when you can say no to something that is really not good for you. Crackheads always have the urge to smoke crack again, and pedophiles are the same way. What if they asked for permission to divulge in their urges? What kind of names would you call them? But Will made up for it and said neither him nor Jada ever acted on their urges. Keep the faith Will and fight the devil, he wants everybody to fuck around for no good reason. Kick those urges like you did the aliens in Independence day!! Here's the royal couple on the red carpet...

-NoahSife.com is the best!

Relationship and Sexual Affair: Accept or Dump? Part 1

by Dr. Coach Love

I have been in a relationship for one year.  I love her and she says she loves me.  Recently, I learned that she had a sexual affair.  I feel committed to her. So do I just accept her affair, or dump her?

________________________________________________________________

There is no simple answer to your question. Mistakes occur in relationships.  A sexual affair is a huge one.  This is certainly a crisis, but also an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your personal values.

If you truly accept her affair and move on, your relationship can potentially gain in intimacy and understanding.  Do you want to end your relationship? 

Check back for Part 2 where I will continue the discussion about true acceptance of infidelity and moving on after an emotional affair.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

MORE INFO LINKS: Lists- Sexual Affair and Healing;

                                  Posts - Pt2 7/18/08;

                                  Reflections-Healing Affair Wounds With Time

v      I invite your comments below.

v      E-mail your relationship coaching questions to DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com.

v      Questions selected will be edited as needed to reflect privacy, brevity,

                                clarity, and general interest.

v      Sorry, Dr. Coach Love is unable to offer any personal advice through this blog.

v      Check out relationship coaching services at www.HireCoach.com.

©       Copyright 2008 P.H. Pickett, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

            Contact DrCoachLove@HireCoach.com for permissions.

Next week our Attorney will be contacting me to give me a heads up on what needs to be done in order to proceed. So all I can do over the weekend, is just wait.

H did not think I was serious last night when I told him it was over. He was taking things very lightly today. So much in fact, that he was acting as though I never said anything at all. In order to let him know how serious I was, I went ahead and told him that I contacted the Attorney's office and what was said. He grew very upset and stormed out of the room.

Later in the evening, when husband was in the office, he turned to me and said, “Are you pushing me?”.

“Pushing you to do what?”, I ask

“Pushing me to show my feelings,” he said

“No. If I haven't been able to get you to show me your feelings over the last seven months, what makes me think I can do so now. I'm not pushing you. I don't want anything from you.”

If there is anything I have learned in the past seven months is that asking for something, that is not there to give, has gotten me no where. I highly doubt that this is considered pushing and if it is, I know it won't get him to do anything he is not ready to do.

Just as I was leaving the office, H told him that our daughter does not want to live in the states. She would like to go for a visit but not to live there. Sadly, I know this to be true. Even though she is almost five, this is the only life she has ever known. I know that children bounce back very easily and she will adjust after some time. But still, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact it will have on her life.

As I begun to write this, I remembered a post I wrote here back in December about this very thing. When I went back and read the post, it proved to me that we have not come very far since that day. I saw exactly what I had known all along. I have finally come to realize that there is no hope here. It took me stepping outside my situation and looking in, to see what I had feared for so long.

Over the last month, I have been going through changes. At first, I started feeling less and less love for H, until it finally faded away. Then I started realizing that I no longer had to take all he was dishing out. I put my foot down with what he needed to do in order for me to stay and make this marriage work. He done a couple of things immediately but left it at that. The three hardest things for him to do, was show remorse, show his love and help me with my self esteem issue. He just cannot bring himself to help the one he hurt here and that in itself tells me all I need to know.

Pappy has this advice he gives to any man over 14 that will listen. Even if they won't. My friends Justin and Marshall both said that he (their 65+ year old grandpa), took them both aside when each turned 14 to give these words of wisdom.

"Son, keep that thing in your pants."

Pappy, like so many from his generation, has seen it all. Depression, poverty, war, more war, illness, and death.

but he knows..... there is no kind of pain or suffering like the anguish brought on by adultery.

My good friend Josh Turner said his dad gave him this 'Turner Classic',

"Keep the big rig between the ditches and the little rig in your britches."

Maybe that's why in biblical times you were stoned for doing it? To punish you the offender, but also to spare those you've hurt from having to see you or relate to you and your vixen of choice for the months and years afterward.

Literally, every month or so, someone else I know gets caught up in it. Forget A-rod. He and I parted ways a long time ago (when he left the Mariners, I stopped being a fan). Ever since the Scarlet A hit my family when I was 7, the trauma, pain, and carnage has never truly stopped.

Did you get that? It's a wound that never really heals. It scars over, but you're reminded of it constantly. Even when you're a 17 year old kid, benching 325 pounds and squatting in excess of 500...you have scouts from all over the country coming to your football games....and your own dad has only seen you play one time in his life. Why? Adultery.

Your mom works 2 jobs to make ends meet. Her credit score is abysmal and creditors call the house. She gets treated horribly by men that she finds herself dating. And why? Someone couldn't keep it in their pants.

Someone made a promise 'in front of God and everybody' that they'd stick with this relationship, but somewhere along the line- that promise, God, and 'everybody' (aka, your wife, kids, family and friends) no longer mattered as much as your need to get that thing of out of your pants and into someone elses.

don't get me wrong. I forgave big Pops about 15 years ago, and God has really turned his life around now. But even he still suffers from this. No one is happy about this chasm. It's something we now have to 'deal with.' Crying over spilt milk won't help. God has done his thing. But we CAN prevent future destruction and the huge collateral damage from hitting our families NOW.

My brother and I drove 7 hours on Christmas Eve 1996 from mom's house in MS to dad's in GA. At 2 in the morning, we were in the middle of nowhere, and I looked over at him and said,

"I will never, NEVER put my kids through this. If I do, you have my permission to kill me."

That's the brotherhood of the zipped pants. Join the Club. The membership needs to grow from 2 to 2 million ASAP. I'd love for us to hold each other accountable. I have a baseball bat and a braveheart sword. And you too can have the permission to slaughter me if the little rig parks in the wrong lot.

]]> http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com/?p=94 Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:19:21 +0000 Sandy http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com/?p=94 I read a story of a man whose marriage was effected by Infidelity. After three years, he is calling it quits. His needs have not been met and its time to move on. I knew right then and there exactly what he meant. His wife has not helped him heal, been there for him whenever he needed to talk and she has possibly even told him that so much time has went by, that he needs to just get over it. Apparently, his wife has not worked hard enough to save their marriage. As a betrayed spouse, I know exactly how he feels. We all get to a point where we know enough is enough. We try all we can, giving our all, and still, our spouse doesn't want to try as hard. To them, the marriage is not as important as it is to us. After all, they are the ones who stepped out of the marriage and betrayed us.

As I read this man's story, my heart sank. I put myself in the his situation if only for a minute. I realized that this could be me if I stayed and continued on this dead end road. If we are not moving forward now, where will we be in three years? I can only assume, we will be in the exact same place we are now. The only difference is that we will have gained three years in age.

I don't want to waste my life with a man who doesn't “get it” by telling me he doesn't know what remorse is. He may tell me he is sorry when I ask him to, but that doesn't really mean anything if it doesn't come from the heart. He may take care of me, but without the love to make this marriage work, we are just co-existing together. What kind of marriage could this ever be?

- - - - - - - - - - -

Next: The hope is gone

]]> http://mek1980.wordpress.com/?p=247 Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:10:44 +0000 Mike http://mek1980.wordpress.com/?p=247 I think I've written here before about my obsession with series of things. This is down to some minor obsessive compulsive behaviour – among other things, I am compelled to count similarly-shaped objects, as long as they all follow the same orientation, meaning that shelves of books or videos represent a particular danger to me.

If I find a series of something that I like, books, films, TV or cartoons, I am compelled to read or watch as much of it as I can. And it doesn't stop there – there's a good reason that I have all of Johnny Cash's American series.

This can be rather frustrating. For a start, catching up on a series if I come to it late can be an enormous investment of time (The Order of the Stick and XKCD are a case in point), and keeping up with it thereafter can be a hassle.

Another reason for my frustration is with TV. We have Virgin for our TV, broadband and phone. They operate a service called "On Demand", which allows you to watch programmes broadcast in the past week, as well as films, and TV series from channels such as HBO, Warner, Paramount Comedy and so on. This has enabled me to watch far too much Curb Your Enthusiasm, as well as catching up on some old favourites like Red Dwarf. Unfortunately, new instalments of various seem to come rather randomly; I watched the first four episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles back to back a couple of weeks ago, and to my annoyance, no new ones have been forthcoming since then.

One of the series I've been watching recently has been The Mind of the Married Man, which originally aired on HBO in 2006. It basically focuses on Micky Barnes (played by Mike Binder) and his relationship with his wife, which is notably rocky, and his relationships with his friends, which are easy-going and trouble-free. Up to now, I've seen five episodes, and am eagerly awaiting the rest of the series.

Micky seems to always be getting in trouble with his wife, Donna (Sonya Walger); neither one of them seems to make much effort or be too content in their marriage, and he feels dissatisfied and sexually-frustrated. Out of a warped sense of fidelity and honour, Micky doesn't sleep around, unlike his friend Jake, despite being near-obsessively drawn his assistant, Missy (Ivana Milicevic).

A large part of the series focuses on Micky and Donna's problems, many of them involving sex, their mutual inability to understand each other and the fact that they increasingly seem to have less and less in common.

One of earlier episodes, Time on the Lake, sees Micky and Donna feeling restless after their married friends all reveal that they have joint hobbies which involve spending time together followed by great sex; Doug and Carol go deer hunting, Jake and Bianca go antiquing together, but Micky and Donna don't seem to do anything together.

After several abortive attempts to get some kind of hobby going, including buying guns and going antiquing, they realise that they originally started going out because they liked to hang out together, and that they both love to just lie around in bed and read.

This is kind of what I'm getting at with this post. My wife and I are homebodies. We don't go out dancing or go bar hopping. In the limited time we've been able to spend with each other over the years, our best times have been spent just laying around reading. We stay in bed, and cuddle, and absent-mindedly kiss in between pages. It's one of the things I miss when we're apart, and one of the things I like most when we're together.

When we're not able to be together, one of the things we seem to enjoy most is getting into discussions about... well, more or less anything, and talking and analysing and discussing that subject for hours.

What I also want to say is that even if you argue, even if you have problems, you can get past it. If you love each other, and can spend a little time doing what you enjoy together, no problem is completely insurmountable. And yes, I know that's of a simplistic viewpoint, that most marriages and relationships are more complex than that, and that many problems are insurmountable... But not in my marriage.

My wife and I love each other, and we enjoy spending time together quietly. Everything else is window-dressing to that; those two things are sufficient and enough.

I'm struggling here because I don't know how to get it out properly; all I can say is that I fell in love with someone who turned out to be the best friend I ever had, and she's all that I could ever need in a companion and lover.

Dedicated to my wife, for ever and always.

]]> http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=108 Sun, 20 Jul 2008 00:45:14 +0000 beerlove http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=108

Infidelity: Not a Pretty Picture

Kay Rutherford, PhD, LPC, NCC, RN
Kmrutherford@viterbo.edu

Kay Rutherford has a PhD in Counselor Education and teaches Racial Ethnics and Abnormal Psychology at Viterbo University. She also counsels at a private agency. Dr. Rutherford's special areas of research and consultation are in infidelity, holistic therapies, wellness, humor, and the healing emotions.

---

Women are often controlled by men and very few societies exhibit an equalitarian relationship. One paramount way in which men control women is through sex and sexual power. Physician Bleier, a professor of neurophysiology and Women Studies (1984) emphasized, "It is precisely because sexuality is so charged for women with psychic and emotional significance…that it is so powerful a weapon for the social control of women." As slaves, concubines, and one of multiple wives, women are viewed as less than. This practice of viewing females as flawed or diseased is seen in childbirth, birth control, hormone replacement, abortion, or menopause. Often medicine (including the crooning brunette advertising Cialis on TV) is about women living and medicating to satisfy men's needs. It is much about control. Our courts and legal system place men at the head of the family and it is often the women’s job to stay within the family as the man sees fit, regardless of what he does. Bassoff (1991) tells us that “sexual exploitation of girls is a longstanding tradition” and so it is with infidelity…in American and in SubSaharan Africa…

Infidelity is a patriarchal way of controlling women. My work with infideled clients is very sad and thus, I share what I have professionally and personally learned: the basic premises of infidelity, the resultant trauma symptoms, infidelity’s abusive patterns, the societal acceptance of infidelity, and suggestions for counselors who work with infideled clients. My research is substantiated with interviews, an extensive bibliography selection, a trip to SubSaharan Africa and the results of a recent Women Studies class. In each section I compare the patriarchal control of women in America with that of SubSaharan Africa and the growing AIDS problems. As I tell my clients…there is almost always more to the story and it is usually not a pretty picture.

I first list the basic premises of infidelity, its unexpectedness, non-simplicity, and its seduction, deception and trauma. I speak as a woman, and in the female voice.

Premises of Infidelity

Most people who are in a mental and physical relationship expect their partner to be in love with them, meaning faithful in spirit and in body. Infidelity is not expected.

There is nothing simple about infidelity. It is a planned experience entailing a mindset of patterns. The unfaithful knows what he is doing and allows it to happen. Often the infidel wants a simple life-to have sex easily and without responsibility-and though this may be viewed as simple for him-"It just happened"-it is not simple for those he has involved.

Seduction is an active plan with massive deception, including the infidelity and the subsequent lying. "Sex is the most seductive possessing way to exert power and control and the most effective and abusive way to control women psychologically, physically, with degradation and humiliation, and her subjection to a man," says Bleier.

"Our body feels deception," author Harriet Lerner (1993) shares. The infideled feels that something is not right, something has gone astray. Often the betrayer and the betrayed will get physically sick as their bodies seek the truth. The infidel cannot relate to his partner in a sincere way at this time and the infideled often can do no right. The betrayed’s body will signal her if she lets it, e.g., it responds in unusual ways, by not wanting to make love, not being able to orgasm, or being unable to fall asleep next to him, etc. Infidelity creates a traumatic situation and I define it as follows…

PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD trauma symptoms often result for the victim of infidelity and Glass and Wright agree in their work Reconstructing Marriages after the Trauma of Infidelity (1997). The victim is often in shock with incessant, recurring thoughts of her partner with another. She will often lose weight, become a detective sleuthing for details, suffer from insomnia, and experience extreme loss of self-esteem. She may become manic and disorganized since she cannot face her terror or pain.

One seventy-six year-old client of mine told her ex-husband, when he finally apologized for his philandering twenty-five years previously, "I still have nightmares." Yes, this is PTSD. Her symptoms parallel those of other types of abuse…

I call this post-infidelity time Bloody Sundays and Hillary Rodham Clinton describes her bloody August when she and the world found out about Bill’s betrayals.

I feel it is very important for the infidelity victim to know that she can "be real” at this point, to "hurt so good" as a sobbing frump (my personal terms as to how I felt when it happened to me). Grief is necessary. She may feel as though her soul has been stolen, stopped dead, and frozen in its tracks. Bloomfield, et. al. (1976), list the following to express these feelings in their book How to Survive the Loss of a Love:

This longing may shorten my life.

He asked if seeing him was a drain.

Seeing him is not a drain. It's a sewer.

"The pain center of the brain responds to the shock and distress of a rejected lover's broken heart like it does with physical pain. Our body becomes physically distressed when abandoned at the loss of a love affair. Personal rejection, especially one with a connotation of shame, inferiority, or failure in the eyes of others is especially potent and an unwilling separation initiated by another doubles the chance of developing depression (Eisenberger, 2003).

One of my clients put his right hand over his heart and lamented, “I was so lonely I could feel physical pain from my hurting heart.” I believe him.

Starting over seems too big a task and often the victim feels as though she cannot live without her once-true other. Infidelity shatters her assumptions of what her life once held true. The one who was her security is now her source of danger. When safety is threatened, we have abuse…

Infidelity Is Abuse

Infidelity is abuse because the characteristics of the unfaithful are like those of a batterer and the symptoms of the victim are like those of the battered. Sitting in on battered women’s groups, I heard the same things-women wanting to go back, full of anger and rage, saying they'd rather be beaten than wonder where their partner was sleeping at night.

The infidel has a sense of narcissistic entitlement exhibiting a pattern of behaviors that encompass more than just "the incident." The damage he causes-to partner/s, children, family-never seems to hit home for him. He continues to blame her, something, or someone. He feels his actions are not his fault. He uses phrases that absolve him of responsibility and portrays innocence, "I'm holding her but loving you," "She came on to me," or "I need to have my needs met." In actuality, it is all about him. He can only go to his own hurt, not others’. Some feel that infidelity is caused by sexual compulsion…

I recently heard a police psychologist refer to a client's sexual addiction as self-soothing behaviors-a definite euphemism for dangerous acts which expose victims to much physical, psychological, emotional, verbal and spiritual abuse. "Chronic infidelity is abuse," therapist Bancroft (2002) reminds us (I say any infidelity is abuse), and “twenty-five percent of abusive men cheat on their partners."

Jennifer and Burt Schneider (1991) say the sexually addicted person numbs out with sex, blames his partner when she is not sexually satisfied, and his bedroom is usually "a nightmare" for he will not let her sleep until his needs are satisfied. Bancroft disagrees with the label sexual addiction and tells us, "Infidelity is not sexual addiction or compulsion, it is sexual abuse.”

The Shunning and Societal Acceptance

Society treats the woman victim as she is/was not enough and they blame her as well. Patriarchy reigns, as he was not "getting enough." Glass and Wright (1997) say he was most likely not investing enough. She is ostracized, shunned, disregarded and viewed as gone before she leaves. She becomes a detective because no one will tell her the truth and heaven help her if she does (like Linda, Monica, Kay or Hillary) she becomes the brunt of many jokes, brought to her knees in atonement for being a strong, self-made woman. Then, why do women want to go back to their abusive partners? Because society does not often support them enough to help her stay away. The family clan rallies for the infidel, their brother because she mistreated him, she's so angry (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned), and what else could he do? He, whom they have protected from harm and responsibility? So, he chooses others…the best way to work on a relationship is to have another one?

SubSaharan Africa is dangerously patriarchal and often polygamic. Twenty-eight million cases of AIDS, a volatile, extremely abusive-to-women situation. My Peace Corps daughter writes about her host, “He says, 'Move the salt shaker so I can reach it and give no snacks to the Peace Corps worker,” and then insists upon his daughter's genital mutilation, kicks the dog, and saunters down to the neighbor woman."

"Infidelity is regarded as man's inalienable right," Leonard Pitts, Jr. writes in On AIDS, Silence Is not an Option: Black America, Where is your Sense of Urgency? (2005). He asks us to awaken to the problem of Africa's AIDS especially after Mandela announces his son's death from AIDS by saying, "Let us give publicity to HIV/AIDS and not hide it."

Sengalese author Marimba Ba (1989) and her best friend tell their stories…both have husbands taking second wives. Her friend says “….there is no union of bodies without the heart's acceptance…clothed in my dignity I walk away," but Ba cannot leave. She, who carried his child twelve times over, sees the sordid side of love but cannot stop loving him…a most poignant tale of women without power or safety from infidelity.

I go to Africa to work with AIDS and abuse and present at the second ever national African counseling conference in Rwanda, to post-genocidal survivors. I am humbled and horrified. And for those counseling clients affected by infidelity…

Suggestions for Counselors

1. Listen to her story-for the 1,000 times she will need to tell it.

2. Believe her story. Patriarchy and society rarely support her; her self-esteem will be all but gone and shame takes its place.

3. Tell her not to sleep with him-very directive but necessary- for safety. She will want to sleep with him to keep him; he will have convinced her it was lack of sex that made him do it.

4. Suggest a Clarissa Pinkola Estes’s wolf pack of solid supporters who know and understand-those cunning, wary, feral, observant.

5. Respect her grief-she cannot make it smaller than what it is to her.

6. Encourage unforgiveness to keep her safe at first. Wade and Washington (2003) say forgiveness is not always the answer-dignity and self-respect come first.

7. Let her anger be her strength, for it says, “Stay away from me."

8. Remind her that infidelity is not simple; it is dangerous and it is abusive.

Infidelity is complex, traumatic, dangerous, patriarchal and contributes to the spread of AIDS in America and in Africa.. We must deal with it as such, with the infidel and the infideled. When safety is threatened, abuse must be considered.

References

Ba, M. (1989). So Long A Letter. Oxford, OX2 8EJ: Richard Blay Ltd, Heinemann Educational Books.

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: GP Putnam & Sons.

Bassoff, E. (1991). Mothering Ourselves: Help and Healing for Adult Daughters. New York, NY. Dutton Books.

Bleier, R. (1984). Science and Gender: a Critique of Biology and Its Theories on Women. New York: Pergamon.

Bloomfield, H., Colgrove, M. & McWilliams, P. (1976). How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Allen Park, MI: Mary Books/Prelude Press.

Eisenberger, N. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, # 5643, 290-92.

Glass, S. & Wright, T. (1997). Reconstructing marriages after the trauma of infidelity. Clinical Handbook of Marriage and Couples Interventions. (Eds. Halford, K. & Markman, H.). West Sussex, England: John Wiley & Sons.

Hill, C. DeChellis. (1978). An Unmarried Woman. New York: Avon Books.

Lerner, H. (1993). The Dance of Deception: Pretending and Truth-Telling in Women's Lives. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.

Pitts, L. Jr. (2005). On AIDS: Silence Is not an Option. Des Moines Register, Miami Herald. 1-11-05.

Schneider, J. & Schneider, B. (1991). Sex, Lies and Forgiveness: Couples Speaking Out on Healing from Sex Addiction. New York: Hazeldon: Harper Collins Publishers.

Wade, N. & Washington, Jr. E. (2003). Overcoming interpersonal offenses: Is forgiveness the only way to deal with unforgiveness? Journal of Counseling & Development, 81, 343-355.

VISTAS 2006 Online

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]]> http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=100 Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:28:48 +0000 beerlove http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=100 Another great article recommended from SLD1

Posted by talinak - 06/20/08, 12:19 am

This is from a print-out that my therapist gave me. I'm not sure who wrote it, but they are very smart. :)

It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity.

The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends.

The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the "left mate" is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned. Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this
divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power.

The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate's life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure.

Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.

In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:

1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled "evil" or "crazy."

2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, "I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years" or, "She made every day of our married life a miserable day." It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called "long-term suffering." They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.

3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the "offender" and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.

4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.

5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the "new reality" and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse's reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse's new life. With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children.

In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:

*A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.

*To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.

*This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being "forced" to exit the marriage.

*The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved.

If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.

The left mate experiences a HELLISH NIGHTMARE. They are likely to go through the following stages, which are often reported in the form of sequential questions:

*The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.

"How can my partner betray me in the worst possible way? Not only did he have an affair, but he compounded the betrayal by accusing me of causing it."

"Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?"

"How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?"

*The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate's reality.

"How could he have been miserable for 10 years without my awareness? Or worse, how could all of the joy I recall be a figment of my imagination?"

"If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?"

*Being punished for creating a partner's misery is a mind-boggling state.

"He started an affair, lied, deceived, violated trust and his commitment, started fights to escape from home and ultimately decided to leave our family, and I need to be punished?"

"Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed."

"To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for "his suffering"?"

"I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children's eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!"

"If all of this isn't enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold."

"Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?"

The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as "crazy-making." Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.

What can a left partner do under these circumstances?

*Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.

*Understand that this is your partner's tragic way of dealing with their guilt. Their perceptions are the reconstructed ones.

*Your partner's lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.

*Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.

*Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner's self-exoneration.

*Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.

*Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children. Your youngsters will eventually process these events appropriately.

]]> http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=98 Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:24:44 +0000 beerlove http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=98 This is so uncanny for me - I went through so much of this with my husband!! It is amazing - this is truly a manual for all waywards!!  I've read so many stories of other people experiences with the trauma of infidelity and these written words ring so true for so many of us!!

Article by Martha Edwards

Well, it happened. And it's true. Your partner has been unfaithful and your world is spinning. You don't know where to turn, what to say, what to do. Understandably, your emotions are ranging from pure disbelief to barely containable rage. It seems difficult to get a grip on your emotions and nearly impossible to coordinate your thoughts into an action plan. It's my intent to offer you some support and guidance through this difficult period.

I don't have all the answers nor do the therapists. In fact, each individual case is exactly that, individual, and should be treated as such. There are many variables in relationships that make each unique and many factors can lead to an affair. But there are also many many areas of common ground. Therefore, the following guidelines are intended to help you when first faced with the facts of infidelity. These techniques have been recommended by therapists and betrayed partners alike, myself included. Just please remember, there isn't a "one size fits all" approach and each situation is unique and should be treated as such.

With that being said, however, you would be amazed at how many similarities there are regarding the wayward partners. There seems to be a "Cheater's Manual" out there somewhere that all wayward's read. This is to the betrayed partner's benefit as it gives a good indication of what has already happened and what's yet to come. The following guidelines are based on these similarities and I hope you find them beneficial.

1) Don't try to make sense out of nonsense -
Unless you're one of the rare individuals whose partner confessed, chances are you had to play detective to prove what you thought you knew all along. Or, at the very least, you intercepted the secret text or phone message. If this is the case, why on earth would you expect to be dealing with anything except nonsense from the person who put you in this situation to begin with? Your partner may seem to be acting very strange to you, almost as if they are in a "fog." Remember, you're not dealing with someone thinking rationally. Their brains don't seem to be functioning properly which is confusing to you. What should you do?

2) Keep your eyes and ears open but your mouth shut -
As difficult as it is to do, it is important to say as little as possible, but keep an eye on everything going on. If you tip your hand now, your wayward will most likely go even further underground and at that point, it can be almost impossible (or extremely costly) to get the proof you need. And trust me, you will begin to get drilled about how you found out, who all knows, etc. Mouth shut!
Also, it is vital to remain as calm as possible. Confront your partner but expect lies and denials. It's in the handbook! Be firm in your resolve and let them know that you are aware of the infidelity but remain as calm as you can and refuse to argue with them, even if it means walking away. This accomplishes a few goals. First, they want you to get upset and act crazy so they can pin this as the reason they cheated. Second, it helps you keep a level head. And although no one really wants to think this far down the line yet, it will come in very handy if you end up in divorce court as every action you make will be reviewed by a judge and you want to look your absolute best at all times to the courts.

3) Take time -
Realistically, there is little, if anything, you can do to stop the affair. You have no control over them but you can control yourself and you MUST. There are methods that can be implemented to try and speed up the ending of the affair, but not yet. It is vital to your own well being that you take the time necessary to regain your own bearings. It's next to impossible to fix your relationship when you feel so broken. Time. You need time for your own comprehension and healing.

4) Spy and snoop if you need to -
Spying can be necessary to find out what's really happening. Afterall, it's not likely your wayward partner is going to suddenly turn into a fountain that spills forth nothing but truth. Be warned that your partner will likely unleash angrily on you and try and make you feel guilty for spying. Chalk it up to the fog! If spying is disrespectful, what would you call infidelity? If you're really feeling "cheeky," you can classify your snooping as "affair research" and see how they like that answer!

5) Keep checking -
Upon seeing how devastating the affair is for you, the wayward partner may show signs of remorse and claim to have ended the affair. Rarely does this happen on the first try. The wayward's emotions are now just as mixed up as yours and they have a tendency to waver back and forth as much as you will let them. They don't want to upset any member of the triangle (them, you, affair partner). Remember, cheaters lie and liars cheat. Believe nothing that you have not personally witnessed or verified.

6) Don't blame yourself -
You may be partly responsible for the negatives in your relationship but you DID NOT cause the affair. If that were the case, since you are also in the same relationship as the wayward, wouldn't YOU also be having an affair? You were not responsible for your partner's decision to cheat no matter how hard they try to convince you of your guilt. And try they will! Now is the time they pull out their entire arsenal to attack you with, including rewriting your entire marital history. Events you remember happening one way are suddenly given a new twist by the wayward, making you doubt your own memory. Fear not...it's in the handbook! Why do they do this? In an attempt to shift blame, lessen their guilt, and justify their actions. To them, it sure beats looking in the mirror.

7) Don't expect too much from your wayward partner -
They are as mixed up as you are and probably don't know what to do either. Even though they are the ones that created the mess, they usually haven't thought far enough along to know how to handle the aftermath. Try and focus on you, not them. Take a proactive stance and convey to your partner what you think is acceptable behavior. Try your best to be respectful but never, never, never beg, plead or appear needy. Stand tall before your wayward partner with grace and dignity. It leaves a much better impression.

8) Seek advice -
Therapy - You are now a prime candidate for depression. Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek medical help if you are having difficulty coping. Chances are, this is one of the worst experiences of your life and it's nothing that should be handled alone. Find a doctor and/or therapist you are compatible with and enlist their guidance with your healing process.

Legal - I would advise you to speak with an attorney if you are in the least bit contemplating divorce. Laws vary from state to state so it's always advisable to seek expert advice. A fair number of attorneys offer a free initial consultation so use it. It may help ease your mind to get your questions answered and know what you're up against. If you have children or a large number of assets, this can be especially recommended.

Medical - Besides the therapy mentioned above, make an appointment with your medical doctor to discuss issues such as STDs or other health concerns you might have. Infidelity effects much more than than you would expect. A complete physical is also a very good idea.

Family and friends - Most everyone who finds out about the affair will suddenly turn into an armchair shrink and tell you to immediately throw them out. Afterall, they explain, that's exactly what they would do. Until it's them. Then things suddenly become different. No one can truly know how they will react in any situation until it happens to them. Remember that. I would recommend selecting your few closest friends and use them as your main support team.
Also, don't try to recruit anyone to talk sense into your partner. It's likely to backfire and have the opposite effect of what is intended. Your wayward partner is probably still in "the fog" and nothing anyone says or does will matter. It may even end up causing hard feelings instead.

9) If the other person involved with your partner is married or in a committed relationship, tell their partner. Do everything you can to find this person and inform them. They deserve to know, just as you do. The added pressure this person will naturally apply has it's benefits. Talk about getting it from both sides! Remove the secrecy and many affairs will fizzle, not flourish.

10) Take care of you
Do what's necessary to take care of yourself. If you don't get the proper rest and nutrition, your body and brain will not function properly and you will make mistakes that may end up costing you. Don't be afraid to let your emotions go. They are your internal guidance system so use them. If you feel like crying, cry. Don't try and suppress your emotions but rather feel them and release them. If you can, taking time off from work for a bit can be very beneficial too. Focus on you as much as possible right now. You deserve it. And you're certainly more than worth it.

]]> http://atarnishedlife.wordpress.com/?p=12 Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:42:03 +0000 Tarnished Wife http://atarnishedlife.wordpress.com/?p=12 Perhaps giving him the moniker of "lover" is presumptuous on my part, or just wishful thinking, but the term loosely fits.  However, we have never had a physical relationship.  A year and a half ago we embarked on this weird emotional and mental relationship.  It started innocently with emails, completely benign and friendly emails.  The emails eventually gave way to phone calls, two good friends talking on the phone, catching up on each other's lives, and commiserating over bad days.  Those innocent phone very quickly evolved into very emotionally and sexually charged phone calls, before fading into flat-out phone sex.  Next came the sexy text messages during the day and evening to cell phones.  Finally, due to circumstances in our lives (my husband and Lover's deployment), we moved on to instant messages and webcam shows on the computer.  Before I knew exactly what was going on, and if I was really okay with it, I had started to fall in love with him.  Yes, I know, that was a completely stupid and boneheaded thing to do on my part.

Now, to be honest, we have not been at this non-stop everyday for a year and a half.  We have both attempted to end the "sexual" aspect of the relationship and just go back to being friends.  All attempts eventually failed.  Then, there are those times when our respective lives got hectic and stressful and we just drifted along on our own.  However, we always manage to find ourselves involved once again in this "virtual affair" of ours.  I can not explain exactly why, and trust me, I have tried.

I go into all of this now only so I can attempt to explain why I have such trouble just ending the affair.  See, there is one thing that I know is absolute; Lover and I will never have a serious relationship.  Oh, we may have a real, physical, sexual relationship at some point, but it will never go any further.  It will most likely remain simply as a "friends with benefits" situation.  Why?  Because Lover is now, has been, and will in all likelihood remain emotionally unavailable, at least when it comes to a serious relationship.  I know this, and have known this for as long as I have known him.  I get it.  I completely understand that I will end up hurt and heartbroken before all is said and done.  I know this, but still I cannot seem to stop it, prevent it, or protect myself.  Yes, I know I am asking for trouble.  I am asking for serious trouble, especially as I know that I am not the only woman with whom he is having a similar affair.

But, for now that is all a moot point.  Lover is returning from his recent deployment this week.  It will be a month or longer before I hear from him again.  I know this, because that is just how he is. He'll spend time with his wife and daughter, family and local friends (he is on the opposite coast).  He'll take time off and spend 30 days travelling in Mexico and Texas.  He'll get into fights, drink himself silly time and time again, and most likely seduce numerous women along the way.  That is how he is, his way. Eventually, I'll start getting emails, text messages, phone calls, or instant messages again.  That is our pattern.  I've done similar to him (without the seducing strangers part...).  I've gone weeks, months with no contact, just living my life with my husband and friends.  And, then eventually, turn to him again.

I go into all of this right now, because I know I have a month, maybe two to try to stop this cycle.  To try to build up my defenses against whatever power he has over my better judgment.  I do not regret anything I've done as far as Lover is concerned.  However, I have reached a point where I know I want more.  I want more than just great sex.  I want to find that one person who turns me to liquid with a look, but who is also going to be there for me, with me, through anything and everything.  I want to whole dream of the house, the kids, the dog...  And I know I do not have that dream with my husband.  And I know I can't have that dream with Lover, either, I can have the first part, but not the latter.  So, now the construction starts on trying to build my defenses up, shore up my heart against him, and try to figure out where I go from here.

~Tarnished Wife

]]> http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=73 Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:38:41 +0000 beerlove http://beerlove.wordpress.com/?page_id=73

From: Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. (1999). How I predict divorce,” in The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work (Chapter Two, 25-46). New York: Three Rivers Press (Random House, Inc.).

How Gottman Predicts Divorce

The clues to a couple’s future breakup are in the way they argue.

THE FIRST SIGN: HARSH STARTUP

The most obvious indicator that a discussion (and the marriage) is not going to go well is the way it begins. When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt - it has begun with a “harsh startup.”

The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction!

A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.

THE SECOND SIGN: THE FOUR HORSEMEN

A harsh startup sounds the warning bell that the couple may be having serious difficulty. As the discussion unfolds, Gottman continues to look out for particular types of negative interactions. Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Horseman 1: Criticism. You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.

A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global - it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.

“I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we’d take turns doing it” is a complaint - it focuses on a specific behavior.

“Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care” is a criticism.
Criticism throws in blame and general character assassination. To turn a complaint into a criticism, add the line: “What is wrong with you?”

Usually a harsh startup comes in the guise of criticism.
Complaint. There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?
Criticism. Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t. (Criticism. She’s implying the problem is his fault. Even if it is, blaming him will only make it worse.)

The first horseman is very common in relationships. If you find that you and your spouse are critical of each other, don’t assume you’re headed for divorce court. The problem with criticism is that when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen.

Horseman 2: Contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt - the worst of the four horsemen - is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.

Often a person’s main purpose is to demean her or his spouse. Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, flu, and so on) than other people.

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved. As disagreeing persists, complaints turn into global criticisms, which produces more and more disgusted feelings and thoughts, and finally you are fed up with your spouse, a change that will affect what you say when you argue.

Belligerence is just as deadly to a relationship. It is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness. When conversations become so negative, critical, and attacking, it should come as no surprise that you will defend yourself.

Although this is understandable, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.

You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.

Criticism, Contempt, and Defensiveness don’t always gallop into a home in strict order. They function more like a relay match - handing the baton off to each other over and over again, if the couple can’t put a stop to it. The more defensive one becomes, the more the other attacks in response. Nothing gets resolved, thanks to the prevalence of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.

Much of these exchanges are communicated subtly (and not so subtly) through body language and sounds.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. In marriages where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. So enters the fourth horseman.

Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stonewaller.

Although both husbands and wives can be stonewallers, this behavior is far more common among men.

During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives all kinds of cues to the speaker that he’s paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, say something like “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.”

A stonewaller doesn’t give you this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.

Stonewalling usually arrives later in the course of a marriage than the other three horsemen. That’s why it’s less common among newlywed husbands than among couples who have been in a negative spiral for a while. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out.”

THE THIRD SIGN: FLOODING

Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded. Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity - whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness - is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay.

The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your spouse’s onslaught causes. And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship.

A marriage’s meltdown can be predicted by habitual harsh startup and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen during disagreements. Although each of these factors alone can predict a divorce, they usually coexist in an unhappy marriage.

THE FOURTH SIGN: BODY LANGUAGE

Even if you could not hear the conversation between a stonewaller and the spouse, you would be able to predict their divorce simply by looking at the stonewaller’s physiological readings. When couples are monitored for bodily changes during a tense discussion, you can see just how physically distressing flooding is.

One of the most apparent of these physical reactions is that the heart speeds up - pounding away at more than 100 beats per minute - even as high as 165. (In contrast, a typical heart rate for a man who is about 30 is 76, and for a woman the same age, 82.)

Hormonal changes occur, too, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the “fight or flight response.” Blood pressure mounts. These changes are so dramatic that if one partner is frequently flooded during marital discussions, it’s easy to predict that they will divorce.

Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other.

Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded - increased heart rate, sweating, etc. - make it almost impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. When your body goes into overdrive during an argument, it perceives the current situation as dangerous.

When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen in the midst of a discussion with your mate, the consequences are disastrous. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving goes out the window.

You’re left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone. Most likely, the discussion will just worsen the situation.

MEN AND WOMEN REALLY ARE DIFFERENT

In 85 percent of marriages, the stonewaller is the husband. The reason lies in our gender.

Any nursing mother can tell you that the amount of milk she produces is affected by how relaxed she feels, which is related to the release of the hormone oxytocin in the brain. A women is more able to quickly soothe herself and calm down after feeling stressed.

In contrast, a man’s adrenaline kicks in quite readily and does not calm down so easily. The male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress. For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer. The same goes for their blood pressure - his will become more elevated and stay higher longer.

When male subjects are deliberately treated rudely and then told to relax for twenty minutes, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate.

When women face the same treatment, they are able to calm down during those twenty minutes. Interestingly, a woman’s blood pressure tends to rise again if she is pressured into retaliating.
Since marital confrontation that activates vigilance takes a greater physical toll on the male, it’s no surprise that men are more likely than women to attempt to avoid it.

It’s a biological fact: Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.

During marital stress, men have a greater tendency to have negative thoughts that maintain their distress, while women are more likely to think soothing thoughts that help them calm down and be conciliatory.

Men, generally, either think about how righteous and indignant they feel (”I’m going to get even,” “I don’t have to take this”), which tends to lead to contempt or belligerence. Or they think about themselves as an innocent victim of their wife’s wrath or complaint (”Why is she always blaming me?”), which leads to defensiveness.

While these rules don’t hold for every male and every female, Gottman has found that the majority of couples do follow these gender differences in physiological and psychological reactions to stress.

Given these dissimilarities, most marriages (including healthy, happy ones) follow a comparable pattern of conflict in which the wife, who is constitutionally better able to handle the stress, brings up sensitive issues.

The husband, who is not as able to cope with it, will attempt to avoid getting into the subject. He may become defensive and stonewall or even become belligerent or contemptuous in an attempt to silence her.

Just because your marriage follows this pattern, it’s not a given that a divorce is in the offing. You’ll find examples of all four horsemen and even occasional flooding in stable marriages. But when the four horsemen take up permanent residence, when either partner begins to feel flooded routinely, the relationship is in serious trouble.

Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to distancing yourself from your spouse. That in turn leads you to feel lonely.

Without help, the couple will end up divorced or living in a dead marriage, in which they maintain separate, parallel lives in the same home. They may go through the motions of togetherness - attending their children’s plays, hosting dinner parties, taking family vacations. But emotionally they no longer feel connected to each other. They have given up.

THE FIFTH SIGN: FAILED REPAIR ATTEMPTS

While it takes time for the four horsemen and the flooding that comes in their wake to overrun a marriage, divorce can so often be predicted by listening to a single conversation between newlyweds.
By analyzing any disagreement a couple has, you get a good sense of the pattern they tend to follow. A crucial part of that pattern is whether their repair attempts succeed or fail.

Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes (”Let’s take a break,” “Wait, I need to calm down”) to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put on the brakes so flooding is prevented.

Repair attempts save marriages because they decrease emotional tension between spouses and because, by lowering the stress level, they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded.

When the four horsemen rule a couple’s communication, repair attempts often don’t even get noticed. Especially when you’re feeling flooded, you’re not able to hear a verbal White flag.

In unhappy marriages, the more contemptuous and defensive the couple is with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair. And since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness just get heightened, making flooding more pronounced, which makes it more difficult to hear the next repair attempt, until finally one partner withdraws.

The failure of repair attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future.

The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with only an 82 percent accuracy. But when you add in the failure of repair attempts, the accuracy rate reaches into the 90s.

This is because some couples who trot out the four horsemen when they argue are successful at repairing the harm the horsemen cause. Usually when the four horsemen are present but the couple’s repair attempts are successful, the result is a stable, happy marriage.

In fact, 84 percent of the newlyweds who were high on the four horsemen but repaired effectively were in stable, happy marriages six years later. But if there are no repair attempts - or if the attempts are not able to be heard - the marriage is in serious danger.

Gottman can tell 96 percent of the time whether a marital discussion will resolve a conflict, after the first three minutes of that discussion.

In emotionally intelligent marriages a wide range of successful repair attempts can be heard. Each person has his or her own approach. Whether a repair succeeds or fails has very little to do with how eloquent it is and everything to do with the state of the marriage.

In marriages in which the four horsemen have moved in for good, even the most articulate, sensitive, well-targeted repair attempt is likely to fail abysmally.

Ironically, we see more repair attempts between troubled couples than between those whose marriages are going smoothly. The more repair attempts fail, the more these couples keep trying. What predicts that repair attempts will work? The quality of the friendship between husband and wife and “positive sentiment override.”

THE SIXTH SIGN: BAD MEMORIES

When a relationship gets subsumed in negativity, it’s not only the couple’s present and future life together that are put at risk. Their past is in danger, too. Couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past.

Gottman says: “When I ask them about their early courtship, their wedding, their first year together, I can predict their chances of divorce, even if I’m not privy to their current feelings.”

Most couples enter marriage with high hopes and great expectations. In a happy marriage couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. Even if the wedding didn’t go off perfectly, they tend to remember the highlights rather than the low points.

The same goes for each other. They remember how positive they felt early on, how excited they were when they met, and how much admiration they had for each other.

When they talk about the tough times they’ve had, they glorify the struggles they’ve been through, drawing strength from the adversity they weathered together. But when a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten - for the worse. Now she recalls that he was thirty minutes late getting to the ceremony. Or he focuses on all that time she spent talking to his best man at the rehearsal dinner - or “flirting” with his friend, as it seems to him now. Another sad sign is when you find the past difficult to remember - it has become so unimportant or painful that you’ve let it fade away.

When the four horsemen overrun a home, impairing the communication, the negativity mushrooms to such a degree that everything a spouse does - or ever did - is recast in a negative light.

In a happy marriage, if the husband promises to pick up the wife’s dry cleaning but forgets, she is likely to think, “Oh well, he’s been under a lot of stress lately and needs more sleep.” She considers his lapse to be fleeting and caused by a specific situation. In an unhappy marriage the same circumstance is likely to lead to a thought like “He’s just always so inconsiderate and selfish.”

In a happy marriage a loving gesture, like a wife greeting her husband with a passionate kiss at the end of the workday, is seen as a sign that the spouse is loving and considerate. In an unhappy marriage the same action will lead the husband to think, “What does she want out of me?”

THE END DRAWS NEAR

When a marriage gets to the point where the couple have rewritten their history, when their minds and bodies make it virtually impossible to communicate and repair their current problems, it is almost bound to fail. They find themselves constantly on red alert. Because they always expect to do combat, the marriage becomes a torment. The understandable result: They withdraw from the relationship.

Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together. Whichever the route, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship.

1. You see your marital problems as severe.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
3. You start leading parallel lives.
4. Loneliness sets in.

When a couple gets to the last stage, one or both partners may have an affair. An affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause. The end of that marriage could have been predicted long before either spouse strayed. The warning signs were almost always there early on if they had known what to look for.

You can see the seeds of trouble in the following:
1. What couples actually say to each other (the prevalence of harsh startup, the four horsemen, the unwillingness to accept influence).
2. The failure of their repair attempts.
3. Physiological reactions (flooding).
4. Pervasive negative thoughts about their marriage.

Any of these signs suggests that emotional separation, and in most cases divorce, may only be a matter of time.

BUT IT’S NOT OVER TILL IT’S OVER

As bleak as this sounds, far more marriages could be saved than currently are. Even a marriage that is about to hit bottom can be revived with the right kind of help. Sadly, most marriages at this stage get the wrong kind. Many therapists will deluge the couple with advice about negotiating their differences and improving their communication.

Gottman was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until he started to analyze what went right in happy marriages.

The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting. The foundation is to strengthen the friendship that is at the heart of any marriage.

]]> http://chaze77.wordpress.com/?p=147 Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:38:25 +0000 chaze77 http://chaze77.wordpress.com/?p=147

I am one of those that got offended by the New Yorker's most recent Obama Cartoon.

It was completely disgusting.

The artist claims this nonsense was supposed to be satire, not ignorance... and it certainly wasn't meant to be cruel.

Really? Perpetuating false stereotypes is supposed to be funny?

Huh.

I guess I don't get it.

I do wonder though... Instead of poking fun at things that aren't even real- like Obama's fictional Muslim roots, or his wife Michelle's unfounded militant personality- why not talk about some things that are true?

For instance, here's a little "satire" about Cindy McCain...

She's a recovering drug addict... and not just an addict... but... *gasp*... a criminal! 

She was caught stealing pills- percocets actually- from a non-profit medical relief organization... and hey- it wasn't just any ol' organization...  

It was the one she founded.

None of us heard about it when it actually happened because she has more money than God and was able to make it all go away.

She merely had to agree to close down her non-prof org and spend a little court-ordered time in a swanky rehab facility.

It was more of a court-ordered sabbatical really.

Are we laughing yet? 

No?

Hmm... well how 'bout this one then...

Did y'all hear the one about how John McCain cheated on his first wife- not only with Cindy (she was Cindy Hensley at the time), but countless other women as well?

Seems he had a hard time keepin' it in his pants.

This, in spite of the fact that Carol McCain had faithfully waited for her hubby-dearest for five-and-a-half years while he was a POW in Vietnam.

Ready for the punchline?

It seems that while John McCain was locked up overseas his wife was in a horrible car accident- she broke both her legs, shattered her pelvis and ruptured her spleen.

She was physically scarred from the accident and due to surgeries that ultimately saved her life (not to mention a full six months in the hospital) unfortunately found herself a full four inches shorter than she used to be.

Gone was the beautiful former swimsuit model countless men had lusted after... McCain's wife was instead (at least temporarily) confined to a wheelchair and had a catheter.

Plus, she'd gained a few pouds.

So what'd our fabulously moral Johnny boy do?

Wait for it, folks...

He left her for another woman.

Hee hee!

Oh wait- still not laughing?

Did I even get as much as a chuckle outta ya?

No? Well alright, I'll try one more time then... perhaps this one's a bit funnier...

Did you hear the one where Senator McCheater applied for the marriage license to tie the knot with new-love Cindy a full month before his divorce from wifey numero uno was even final?

HA, HA, HA!

I mean, that's funny, right?

Ok- maybe not... but hey- at least it's true, and in my opinion it's about as flippin' hilarious as a cartoon of Obama in a turbin... fist-bumpin' his gun totin' wife... with an image of a burning American flag in the fireplace.

And hang on- is that Bin Laden's portrait hanging over the mantle?

Mercy.

I have a hard time imagining any publication running- in contrast- a cartoon featuring Cindy McCain strung out with crack pipe in hand wearing prison stripes behind bars... all while begging her hubby to wait for her- and for the love of God- please remain faithful!

Or something like this...

As poor taste as this is, at least it's true.

Why do Barack and Michelle Obama keep getting so much shit for things that are not real- his "ties" to the Nation of Islam, his "relationship" with Farakhan, Michelle's "hatred" of this country- while Cindy and John McCain get to skate, completely unscathed and untouched by the legitimately ugly skeletons in their own closets?

The McCains certainly leave much to be desired in the morality-slash-integrity category.

Perhaps the Obamas should consider themselves lucky.

It seems that due to the lack of real ammunition against them, people are having to fall back on merely making shit up.

Harty har har.

]]> http://paintitredd2.wordpress.com/?p=21 Mon, 14 Jul 2008 02:35:45 +0000 paintitredd2 http://paintitredd2.wordpress.com/?p=21 My NIGHTMARE EXPERIENCES during, and RECOVERY from, my relationship as the girlfriend of a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive owner of MONTANA DIAMOND AIRE!!!!! I was the girlfriend for 2 1/2 years of John Talmage, owner of MONTANA DIAMOND AIRE. From the stupid things he said, to the stupid things I believed. The lies he told, and illegal activities he and the vipers participate in. Join me on my stroll through a no holds barred journey full of the unvarnished truth, insight, laughter and tears. As much as I would like it to be, the information and stories contained within my site are not a work of fiction.

Does John make flights to other countries to bring drugs back to the US? He says he does...he says it's for the "DEA"...Does the DEA know you make flights to smuggle illegal drugs for them? I'll bet that would come as a surprise to them! LOL!

See you there!

http://catharsis.scriptmania.com/

]]> http://lerevdr.wordpress.com/?p=324 Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:06:49 +0000 Le Rev Dr http://lerevdr.wordpress.com/?p=324 13-7-8

Ｗhen the Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March, I had only sympathy for him: another middle-aged married guy tormented by his sexual needs. I’m 52 and have always struggled with the desire for sexual variety. Everyone gets an issue, and that’s mine; it’s given me pleasure and pain, and jolted my marriage. I’d only talked about my issue with any honesty over the years with about six or seven people, and when you leave out my wife and a therapist, they are all men.

Go here

Blessings,

Le Rev Dr

]]> http://bxterl27.wordpress.com/2008/07/11/surviving-infidelity-8-steps-to-survive-and-cope-infidelity/ Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:23:27 +0000 bxterl27 http://bxterl27.wordpress.com/2008/07/11/surviving-infidelity-8-steps-to-survive-and-cope-infidelity/ http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/surviveaffairipu.htm Infidelity discovery stirs pain and betrayal. Learn the 8 paths taken to recover from and survive infidelity. Free e-course offered.

]]> http://whatmenthink.wordpress.com/?p=94 Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:08:37 +0000 whatmenthink http://whatmenthink.wordpress.com/?p=94 Some of you have read my less than glowing review of Ashley Madison. Although I don't believe that The Ashley Madison Agency is a service for me, I do receive a lot of traffic from google searches looking for AshMad.

For those of you searching for AshMad, here is an exciting promotion that they are running until July 26.

AshleyMadison.com, Tom Leykis, and the Playboy Bunnies are hosting a summer pool party at the mansion. Thinking of signing up for AshMad? Why not sign up now and enter to win a trip to the mansion?

Now, you may be asking, "Why is WMT plugging a company he clearly does not like?"

1. I was asked nicely.
2. My critics say I am a misogynist and Ashley Madison is clearly a female name. So, I shouldn't be hateful.
3. Ashley Madison's PR Ageny (the same as Amy Applebaum) has been a great partner in building up this blog. Special thanks to Ms. "E" for introducing me to Amy Applebaum.

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