I do hope you enjoy this story

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters. This disclaimer covers all or any other chapter that may come into play in this story.

--
The night was young. She was so exhausted. Still there was much time left before she was done for the evening. She smiled politely to the customer who had come to her with a complaint. She worked as a department manager within the Taisho Company. The pay was amazing but she had to deal with idiots who sort to make her life difficult. She rubbed her head to ease the beginning tension of a stress headache. She missed those days when she would wonder rural Japan. Those had been wonderful times. Now she was twenty-one years old. And accomplished adult with a great paying job but she did not feel fulfilled. She was restless at night. She wanted something but she couldn’t figure out what.

Her last relationship had been over three years ago and she had not had time to be with anyone. With the death of her grandfather, she had her mom had had to go straight to work to make ends meet. Finally she lived on her own. She had a nice little house in suburbia and she was quite proud of it. She had great friends. Her family they were wonderful, but she needed more than that. Maybe it was the physical contact of another maybe she just needed to get laid. She smiled at that thought as she continued through the night with the customers.

For the billionth time her eyes drifted to the clock again. Time was literally crawling by. She yawned tiredly. She was so exhausted. She wanted to be home and she was counting the seconds away a she dealt with every little petty problem that came her way. With a sigh of relief she rushed to her office as soon as the lock struck nine. She wanted to be in her home. She needed a nice bath that would soak away the days hardships and labours. It wasn’t that there was anything bad about her job. It was just that there was no challenge in it. She was bored. She needed something to do, something that would take her mind away from life’s mundanities.

Saying goodnight to the security officers, she stepped out of the building with a cheery smile on her face. She stretched on the top steps of the building she worked at. It was so big. She arched her back to look up at it and nearly fell over with the distance. She giggled feeling silly and started the walk home. It was a good twenty minutes. She liked the walk, as it was a great way to exercise. She did ten-hour days and she didn’t get the chance to work out so the walk was her only way to keep fit.

There was something wonderful about the night. The wind circled her as if whispering dark secrets to her. Her hair flew all around her at the gentle touch of the night breeze and she smiled. She felt so wonderful. It was always the same when she left. She felt like skipping and singing. The freedom she felt leaving that building was impossible to understand. She thought about the day’s events and made plans for the next. In two days the weekend would arrive and she would get to go home to her mothers. She had promised that she would visit. Sota was a man now at least practically and they had made plans to go to the town’s carnival that weekend.

She was so comfortable with the walk. She got lost in her thoughts. She remembered her friends. Her friends from an era in the past, which she should have never been able to visit. She understood that she had been needed there though. Her initial visiting had been not of her choice but it had changed. Things had changed so dramatically. She’d fallen for a half demon named Inuyasha only to have her heart broken when he’d chosen a dead version of her self instead. She had begun to realise that she did not love him. She had realised that it was the memories of the reincarnated soul in her that had clung to him. She had slowly gotten over it. She had had to concentrate of defeating the evil menace that was Naraku. That had been her only care and she was more than happy to go through with it. Naraku had been a menace to the world and she had known that had she not tried the world she knew now would not have existed. She smiled

Her last day in that time had been a wonderfully great day. She had parted with Inuyasha as friends. She’d hugged her friends Sango and Miroku and had asked them to look after Shippo. She missed them immensely. In this time when they were already dead she couldn’t help feeling sad that she would not have been with them everyday but she comforted herself with the knowledge that they had lived in a time where Naraku did not exist. She thought of them everyday. They had been a family to her and she would have lied if she’d said she did not miss their company. But times changed. You lose friends and you make new ones.

She got to the part of the walk that she hated the most especially at night. She had to cut across the park. It was really big a wide-open area surrounded by trees. If she took the route around the part it would take her almost an hour and a half but it was so dark in there. One never knows what lay in the dark so every night when she walked there, she was worried, but crime rate in the city had gone down drastically so she felt mildly safe and taking a deep breath she continued her stroll home.

She felt a chill touch her body as the wind rustled through the trees. It made an eerie sound that had her quickening her steps. She did not know why but walking there always brought to mind scary thoughts. Simple innocent sounds of nature became the most frightening sounds on the earth. She almost sighed as she got to the last part. It was a five-minute walk through that part and in less than a minute she would be home. This was the part where she walked through the trail of trees and then she would be again in the lit streets of Tokyo.

She sighed almost with relief until she heard a snap to her right. It sounded like someone or something had been walking through the jungle and had stepped on a branch or something. She felt her heart pick up. She had already been scaring her self with all those thoughts and she couldn’t help the fear that coursed through her veins. Why didn’t I just take the bus? she thought as she looked behind her. It was probably nothing but right now she was so frightened she did not care.

With a sigh she turned back in front of her, as there was no one or nothing visible. She felt silly. Her heart slammed into her chest as she caught a glow. It was a pair of red eyes and they were looking at her. Oh god! Oh God! Oh God! she was thinking as her steps increased. It was not behind her but to a good distance on her right.

She barely heard it but it was there. The whispered snarl of “Run,” caught her ear. She was positive that the creature looking at her had said it and not wasting time she started to run. She was frightened. She heard it take off as soon as she did and not being stupid she lunged to the right turning her self almost violently into the canopy of trees. It was so close. She was crying. If she hadn’t moved it would have caught her and she was afraid of looking back. She knew that it would kill her tonight and so she ran all through the forested area.

A chuckle caught her ear. It was toying with her. It was so close. Go away she begged repeatedly. She felt it behind her and she tried to make a last ditched effort to zigzag but it was pointless. He grabbed her, she fell to the ground on her back and a scream left her lips. It was quickly muffled by a hand as a dark voice whispered into her ear. “Hello little ningen. Let’s play a little game…”

An angry growl escaped the mouth of Sesshomaru Taisho. He was the head of the Taisho Company in the business district of Tokyo and a very serious deal had gone down the drain. He knew that his competitor had deliberately sabotaged his investment and he wanted blood. He looked at his clock within the massive office that served also as a room on the nights he stayed over to work on particularly difficult deals. He had to get out of there. There were humans working for him and he did not trust himself around them. Besides a certain hanyou needed to learn where his place in this world was. He was so angry that he could feel his inner youkai raging to come out. He knew that he was dangerous tonight. It was one of those times that his control slipped while in the human world and from the gasps of the security guards he knew that his youkai had shown up from the reddening of his eyes. He snarled at them as he stepped out of the building.

Sesshomaru was a beautiful man. His silvery blond hair hung down his back in a tight braid. He had the features of an aristocrat. Many who had seen him thought that his uncanny beauty was something to envy and desire. He was tall and built even though many who saw him though he looked lithe. Combined with his unusually golden eyes these made him into a man that many women desired. Many had not been ashamed to state their desire. He found such easy conquests a bore and he mainly as a principle ignored them.

Right now though he needed a fight or a good fuck. Anything to get rid of the anger. He walked out into the night. The stares came. He ignored them. He had no reason to care what they thought. He was looking for a target. The one that would give him a nice challenge. A delightful scent drifted over the night air. It completely overpowered the stench of sweat and bodies and a canine grin formed on his lips. It seemed it would not be a battle of strength but a battle of pleasure that night. He knew he shouldn’t go after this woman but her scent enchanted him. It was so familiar. He needed to find it and so he walked into the park. He could feel his control slipping with each step he took into the darkened park. He had not had a good hunt in so long. His prey seemed so hapless. He had been following her for a good five minutes and she still had not seen him. He knew that she was nervous being there on her own. The crime rate against women were well known to all females. She was taking a risk that night and she would definitely learn from her mistake. She would think twice about walking in the dark alone after tonight and his smile grew.

She was beautiful. He watched her casual steps. She took her time to walk through the darkened area and he itched to take her in his arms. He had not been with anyone in so long that he knew that he was not going to be gentle. But she would like it. He would make sure that she would like it. They always did. He watched her light walking, her slim waist swinging in a dance of erotic temptation. His mouth watered as he thought about taking her in his arms. He walked closer his steps were slow and calculated. He was losing his precious control quickly. His inner youkai had chosen its prey and it was battling for dominancy. It wanted her and the beast was fighting the man. He could feel his body tightening in arousal. Images played in his mind. They were so close to real that he felt his heart rate pick up. It had been a really long time since he had been with someone. He stifled a moan as her scent made its way to him. It was some kind of flowery scent mixed wit the flavour of a woman.

It was time to make his presence known. He stepped on a branch and watched. Her fear was like a punch and he felt his arousal harden. He would definitely love this. She looked around her slowly, fearful. She seemed to relax until she saw him. He smiled a hunter’s smile as she started to walk fast. He could barely restrain the beast anymore. “Run,” he said before he let the beast have its free reign. He exalted in the chase. She ran for dear life. It had been so long for him. He felt free. Shedding his business cloak he took off after the running female. She was a smart one he thought as she swerved suddenly to the right. He had almost had her and a thrill rushed through him. This was exhilarating. He loved the chase.

She was crying.

She was incredibly fearful.

Smart woman

He chuckled as she continued to zigzag erratically. She had no idea where she was going. He couldn’t wait anymore. His blood was pumping through his body at alarming speeds and he feared that if he waited anymore he would mount her like the beast he was.

He could sense that she knew he was behind her. Again she dove to the side but he wasn’t letting her go. He quickly grabbed hold of her and she fell on her back. Pressing his advantage he held her down with his hand over her mouth. The scent of her fear was intoxicating. He breathed it in as he said, “Hello little ningen. Lets play a game,” and he brought his tongue down to her ear licking the rim softly.

She was trembling before him and it excited him but he, apart from the chase, did not like force. So looking at her tightly closed eyes, he kissed her closed eye lips softly, licking away her tears. He liked her taste and he felt his beast tremble with need. As he slowly trailed his tongue down her cheeks following the trail of the tears his lips made it to the corners of her mouth. Her lips they were so soft. Her chest was rising and falling at an alarming rate and as her breasts rubbed up against him with each breath he had to stifle a needy moan.

As he continued to ran his lips against hers. He could feel her heart beat increase but it was from something else and he smiled. He brought his moist tongue out to run it against the slit of her mouth’s opening and groaned. He was careful not to press his erection into her. He wanted to have sex with his little ningen right there on the forests floors but he wanted to seduce her. He knew that she was unwilling and conquering her that way would help the steam in his blood to die down but first he had to tempt her senses. So slowly he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth they were so soft there he had to struggle to keep from roughly ravaging her mouth then. Using his teeth he, nipped softly. A slight gasp escaped her. It was a mixture of surprise and the forbidden. He took it, plunging his tongue between her lips. He laced his fingers between her own, as he tasted her. She was sweet and so he had to have more. He ran his tongue over hers. She was trying to struggle but his hold on her was not one easily broken so she attempted to remain still and impassive. That is until he ran his tongue over her pallet to that part near the back of her throat, which could drive some people to orgasm. He withdrew to suck on her lips after a while and did it again. Her gasps heated his blood. He pulled away to look at her. She lay on the green grass, her eyes tightly closed. She was truly beautiful. She was a stranger and it was the most exciting thing.

Slowly her eyes opened and he could tell that she had liked his kiss and he grinned. He was still over her and so he went back down kissing her lips again before trailing down to her chin and slowly down to her neck. He stopped there for a moment. He loved a woman’s neck. Maybe it was because it was the place of marking that he found it so erotic and forbidden. He slowly licked his way down her neck. His tongue played over her pulse points and she trembled.

She could feel her body relaxing in arousal. She felt like she was doing something so forbidden and it was so exciting. He was frightening but he had yet to attack her. She lay there in his grasp. She had attempted to struggle but his grip had not budged. Her body had stiffened when his lips had drifted down her face licking the tears that he had brought there. She closed her eyes tightly as the feather light touch of his firm soft lips sent butterflies fluttering their wings in her stomach. She knew that what she was doing or allowing him to do was not right but there was a time in every woman’s life when she wanted to have anonymous sex. This man was being gentle and for some reason the chase had thrilled her. She felt ashamed that she was enjoying it but as a gasp left her lips she couldn’t find it in her to not like what he was doing. It was all she could do not to start writhing beneath him.

As his lips drifted to hers she started to tremble. It was light, minor tremors rushing through her body. She gasped out loud as her nipples continued to graze against his muscled chest. They had stiffened so quickly drawing the sound from her lips. He quickly entered her mouth then. His tongue battling with hers and her heart was slamming in her chest. It was so strange. She felt like she was doing something taboo and it was exciting. He slowly left her lips to seek out the other undiscovered parts of her body and she felt her feminine channels clench tightly.

She could feel it. She was aroused. She was going to let him have his way with her on the forest floor of an open park. He started to suck on her pulse point and she arched into him on a sharp intake of breath. His hands trailed under her shirt touching the flat skin of her stomach and she could feel the muscles in her stomach clenching. His hand was making its way to her breasts and her breathing increased. She closed her eyes as he drew ever closer to that point that wanted to feel his touch. She knew that when he touched her there, there would be no going back.

He chuckled over her sensitive skin and she moaned out loud. She wanted him to touch her so badly but she didn’t ask. Her eyes remained closed. As his hands drifted over her rapidly rising stomach he could feel her heart triple as his hands feathers over the underside of her breast and she gasped. She tried to move but his one remaining hand held her down tightly and that so excited her. She did not know who he was and he could be some serial killer but she was so fiercely excited that she couldn’t help it. She wanted him to take her.

His hands slowly crawled over the firm flesh of her breast and he growled. He left her neck to suck on the other exposed nipple. He did not care that it was covered in clothing he took it between his lips and started to suck roughly. Each suck of his lips on her nipple combined with his hand’s caressing had fiery trails making their way down her body to become feminine wetness. He was preparing her body for his invasion and she was more than cooperating. He stopped. Her arousal was more than he could bear he had to fight to control the need to mount her but he wouldn’t. He wanted to exhaust them both. He wanted her to remember him always.

She was openly writhing beneath him. “Oh god please don’t stop,” her voice was laced with thick desire as she moved her body seductively on the ground. It was an erotic dance, a dance, which called for mating and he felt triumph.

“I do not intend to little human…”

Margaret Scully stole a quick kiss from her boyfriend as she
straightened the candles. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of
her last dinner party, which ended after someone made a broad hand
gesture and the lit candles fell onto her favorite lace tablecloth.
It reminded her of the time when Dana, at thirteen, had thrown a party
for her stuffed animals and almost burned down the house.

Margaret looked over the table, which in her humble opinion looked
wonderful. She had out the fine china with a lovely flower pattern and
the good linen. Next to the grand table was a smaller one with only a
few seats, a disposable tablecloth, plastic rounded plates and cups
with tupperware "no spill" lids.

The food smelled terrific. Margaret felt an arm encircle her waist, and
she smiled.

"Mmm... this feels nice."

"I wish those guests weren't arriving so soon..." he whispered into
her ear.

"Are you nervous?"

"Margaret, the last time your daughter saw me..."

"She doesn't know you like I do."

"Do you think she'll have a problem with...us?"

"Dana's very accepting. It'll be fine, Alex," Margaret lied comfortingly.
She knew how her daughter would react, and made a mental note to
take all guns at the door. She patted his arm, making sure it was the
real one and heard the doorbell.

"The first guest is here." She smiled and walked to the door.

Teena Mulder, smiling radiantly, pulled 'Bob' inside. Bob was not in the
best of moods. Between Teena and his son, he'd had to give up smoking--
again. He was chewing a very large wad of nicotine gum, but he did
try to smile at Maggie. She was such a nice woman, after all.

"Teena, how are you?" Maggie asked with a smile. "You look wonderful."

"I feel wonderful. Has you-know-who shown up yet?"

"Nope."

"Does she know about-- well, does she know?"

"Know what?" Bob asked. "You're not leaving me out of the loop
are you, ladies?"

"Maggie, baby, the vegetables are boiling!" Krycek called, coming
into the hallway. "And I think the bread's done."

"Okay, Alex, I'm coming!" Maggie replied, scurrying off towards
the kitchen. Teena smiled.

"They don't know, do they?" Bob asked her. "Agent Scully doesn't
have a clue."

"Well, Fox doesn't have a clue about how far our reconciliation
has gone, either," Teena said, as he helped her with her coat. "This
is going to prove to be a very exciting dinner party. Is Jeffy
coming?"

"Jeffrey told me he's bringing a date," Bob said proudly. They had
been working so hard to-- well, make the little squirt less of a
dork.

"Is she real or is she latex?" Teena cracked, just as Bill Scully
and his adorable wife Tara came up to the still open door. Bill shot
a look at Teena, who ignored him.

"Mom? Mom, are you here?" Bill called, trying very hard to ignore
Teena and her companion. Tara smiled at both vapidly, holding baby
Matthew and hoping someone would do introductions, because that would
be just darn neato.

There was no response from the kitchen, and Teena hid a private
little smile as Bill went down the hall to investigate, followed
by perky little Tara. Bob, confused, simply shut the front door,
and joined the Great Search for Maggie.

Three seconds later, it was over. Bill Junior was treated to the
image of his life-- his mother, his *mother* kissing a man half
her age, and boy, was she kissing him.

"MOM!" he bellowed. Baby Matthew woke up and began to cry. Tara
looked confused.

"Bill, honey, who's that?" she asked.

"Mom, show a little restraint!" Bill hollered.

"Shut up, Bill," Krycek said, giving his girlfriend's son a little
glare. "What, you've never seen your mother kiss anyone before?"

"Mom has a boyfriend?" Tara asked.

"Apparently so," Bill said. "How long has this been going on?"

"Since about two weeks after our session with Dr. Vansen-- the one
you snuck out of, young man," Maggie said, recovering her
equilibrium. "Now, we're all going to be very polite this evening.
I came up with this dinner party as a sort of follow-up to the
session, and I want it to go well."

"You haven't told Dana, have you?" Bill asked. "I mean. I mean--"

"Dana still carries a gun at all times, doesn't she?" Tara asked.
Teena Mulder bit her lip to keep from laughing. But Tara's vapid
comment reminded Maggie of the way her guests acted normally. She
pulled away from Krycek and smiled at everyone.

"Oh, that's right. I'm afraid I'm going to have to request all
weapons be left at the front door, in the coat closet. That means you,
too, Alex," Maggie said, shooing her man down the hall. Teena gave Bob
a look. He rolled his eyes and started grumbling as he followed Krycek.

"Scully doesn't know. She's going to kill you. And Mulder will
kick your body a few times to relieve his feelings," Bob told Krycek.

"I should say the same to you, old man. It looks like you and
his mommy are warming up the old home fires, shall we say," Krycek
said with a leer. "Maggie thought it would be better if we didn't
tell Dana at first."

"Good plan. The woman's a good shot with a nasty temper."

"I don't know where she gets it from. Margaret's wonderful in
all senses of the word. Maybe Dana just needs to get laid," Krycek
said airily. "And Lord knows that screwed-up little bastard Mulder
ain't gonna be able to perform."

"Alex, shut up," the former cigarette smoker said. "I don't like you,
and I'm not going to pretend I like you. You're a sneaky, doublecrossing
son of a bitch, but for the sake of others, I'll tolerate you.
Now, let's disarm ourselves. I mean, who needs guns when we can kill
each other with kindness?"

"I couldn't have said it better, old man. And if you really piss me off,
I can take you out with my salad fork."

They sullenly removed all guns, knives, brass knuckles, garrote wire,
and placed them in the closet carefully.

"Don't you try to take any of my weapons," they said together.

"I wouldn't want your cheap stuff," Krycek hissed.

"We'll see, won't we? After all, I know who's got an eye for
quality around here."

The doorbell rang, a long annoying ring. Both men immediately knew
who had arrived.

"Jefffffeeeeeeeee's heeeeeeereeee!" Krycek called, scurrying back
toward the kitchen and safety. Which left Bob to open the door to
his son.

"Hey, Dad. You're here early. Still off them cancer sticks?" Spender
asked, at his most annoying. His father stifled the urge to cuff him--
Disney security had been pretty pissed off after that incident on
"It's a Small World" after all. <>

"Between you and Teena, I'm on the straight and narrow, son," he lied.
He had several new incidents to take care off after dinner, and he
really did need to formulate something new and EBE-related for Mulder
and Scully to do.

"Dad, that's great!" Spender said, giving him a hug. Bob suppressed
another bad Disneyland memory-- <>, then disentangled
himself. "Dad, I want you to meet my date. Dad, this is Marita
Covarrubias. Marita, this is my Dad."

Bob stared in horror at the blonde before him. Oh. Shit.

"We've met," Marita said with a vapid grin. "Isn't it so nice to
see you again?"

"The pleasure is all mine," he lied wondering if there was a way
to keep Teena from meeting Marita. Damn that one night, two nights
okay maybe three that he'd spent with her. It wasn't his fault she
wanted to sleep with every member of the consortium. Well, except
for First Elder (even he didn't know his name), something about
those teeth turned her off. He would have paid to see that
conversation. He had been almost positive it was impossible for
Marita to be turned off by anything. Hell, look who she was here
with.

Spender was oblivious to anything going on between Marita and his dad.
He smiled goofily and walked off to see Teena. For some unknown
reason, she liked Spender. Then again, it wasn't so mysterious when
you remembered who her son was.

This left Marita and Bob staring blankly at each other. He popped
another piece of nicotine gum into his mouth and tried very hard to
avoid eye contact. Luckily, Tara chose this moment to introduce herself.

"Hi, I'm Tara Scully!" She sounded way too excited. "Bill's wife!
This is my son Matthew, wave Matthew, wave, come on wave Matthew!"
She talked incomprehensibly to her son, in one of the most
detested mother stereotypes. "Come on babywaveformammayesssyouwannawaveyes
you do!" They felt uncomfortable watching it.

It wasn't quite cooing, it was just frightening. Marita went almost
pale and ran off to find Spender. Unfortunately, Bob was stuck with
Tara who was still trying unsuccessfully to get her son to wave.

"I tell you, I didn't feel like a woman until I had Matthew, it was
like my life was incomplete I can't imagine life without this little
ball of cuteness." She bounced Matthew a bit on her thigh. Bob couldn't
help but think that abducting this kid would be a mercy.

Meanwhile, Marita found Spender in the kitchen. He was with two
older women and-- God, was that Alex Krycek wearing an apron and
oven mitts?

"Margaret darling, the turkey is almost cooked and how are the
potatoes look..."

"Alex? Something wrong?"

"No, nothing." He walked over to Marita. "What are you doing here?"

Her normal expression was unfeeling, the look she was giving him
now could freeze lava in its tracks. "If you must know, I'm here
with Jeffrey Spender. So how long have you been sleeping with your
substitute mom over there?"

"Don't talk about her like that, Marita. Anyway, you're one to talk,
do I have to mention Mr. England?"

"Think before you use that title! He's been an American citizen for
years now," Marita whispered harshly. They stared at each other angrily.

"Please, there will be no fighting tonight." Margaret put her arm
around Krycek and hugged him. She smiled kindly at Marita who regarded
her with the same cold look.

At the door, Mulder and Scully were arguing.

"I don't see why we have to be here. I'm sure there are cases that
need my attention," Mulder grumbled. He was still having nightmares
about the last time that he'd seen Mrs. Scully and the rest of the
family. That was an experience he never wanted repeated.

"My mom invited the both of us and the rest of the family to dinner
to meet her new boyfriend. If I show up alone Tara will be all over me.
Whenever she gets me alone she starts to talk about how wonderful it is
to have a child and makes me want to hurt her. I didn't feel like
spending tonight in jail."

"But why I do I have to be here? Couldn't you have brought someone else?"

"Like who, Mulder? Should I have brought Skinner? Maybe Krycek would
have been available tonight? Mom invited you and if you turn down a
dinner invitation from Margaret Scully, she never forgets. I had a
friend in high school that refused an invitation and she was never
allowed in our house again. You do not want to get on my mom's bad
side. Now, ring the doorbell, smile and remember this night will be
over in a few hours."

Mulder gave his partner a look and rang the doorbell. Bob heard it
and nearly ran to get it. "I'll get it, don't get up!" he called to
the ever-perky Tara. He nearly flung the door open.

"You!" Mulder shouted. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Scully went white and prayed silently, please God, don't let him be
my mom's new boyfriend, I can take anything, but don't let him be my
mother's boyfriend.

"Dana's mother invited your mother and I to dinner. Oh, and she
wants me to tell you, all guns and other weapons must be checked in
the front closet."

"You're nuts!" Scully cried. "I'm not taking off my gun if you're
at dinner--"

"Dana, do what he says!" Maggie called from the kitchen. "Do you
hear me? Fox, too."

Mulder glared furiously at the black-lunged SOB, who gave them
both a nasty little grin. They reluctantly disarmed themselves
and put their weapons in Mrs. Scully's coat closet together.

"Your mom's here, my mom's here, that black-lunged bastard's here,
I wonder who else?" Scully muttered as she surveyed the piles of
weapons. "Looks like someone who knows how to pack heavy artillery."

"Guess what, Matthew! Auntie Dana's here! You wanna go say hi to
Auntie Dana?" Tara's voice called.

"Oh. God. No," Scully whispered.

Scully made a sound that sounded like something between a moan
and a growl. Mulder had a momentary nasty thought, but banished it in
the name of partnerly solidarity.

"Come on, Scully, braveness counts. Out of the closet. Ow! I didn't
mean it like that!" he gasped as her sharp little elbow gouged
his stomach.

"Don't ask, don't tell, Mulder," Scully said, shoving past him.
"Hi, Tara. How's my favorite nephew?"

"He's your only nephew," Tara said, smiling. "And he's just all fine
and dandy, isn't my little bubby bear googooboo? Isn't he?"

Mulder looked at Scully in shock. "But-- wait-- he's your-- what?"

"Later, Mulder--"

"But-- Home-- you-- no nephews?" Mulder asked, reeling.

"What's wrong, Fox? Cat got your tongue?" Bob asked. "Wait until
you see who's here."

"But-- Babe--"

"Shut UP, Mulder!" Scully snapped, striding off towards the
kitchen. "God, I need a driiiiiii--"

Her voice faded as though someone had snapped a switch. Bob looked
alarmed and pulled Mulder along with him. "God damn it, boy, you
better be there when she faints!" he snapped.

"Scully doesn't--"

Just then, the stalwart Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully,
forensic pathologist, witness to the remains of dozens of foul
and gruesome crimes, swooned, but did not faint. Mulder pulled a
heroic last minute catch to keep her from hitting her head on
anything, but it wasn't but a few seconds later she pushed him
off of her.

"Get away from me!" she snapped. "Get away from me. I didn't just
see that--"

She was absolutely reeling, and Mulder had no idea why. He just
watched her as she moved into the dining room, and headed straight
for Captain Scully's old liquor cabinet.

"Fox, is she all right?" Mrs. Scully asked, concern evident
in her voice.

"No, but she's standing, and getting herself a drink. She'll be fine,
I think. What happened?"

"Oh, she must have just seen Alex being frisky," Teena Mulder said,
emerging from the kitchen.

"Alex?" Mulder asked. "Is that your new boyfriend, Mrs. Scully?"

"Yes, Mulder, it is," Krycek said, with a small sneer on his face
that he erased the moment Mrs. Scully could see him.

"Alex Krycek is your new boyfriend?" Mulder asked, forcing a smile.

"Yes."

"Oh. Okay," he said. "Scully. Scully, wait, I need a drink."

He hurried over to where his petite partner had poured herself a
glass of wine.

"Krycek is my mom's new boyfriend," Scully said. "Alex I'm-a-murderous-
SOB Krycek."

"I know, I know, I saw, I saw. What does your father have here?"

"Rum."

"Good man," Mulder said, pulling out a glass. "What's with the
extra table? Since you have only one nephew, I see no need for a
kid's tay-- Scully."

"Tay-Scully?"

"We're sitting at the kid's table."

"What?"

"Your mom has very nice placecards out. Apparently, we don't
qualify as adults."

Scully gulped back the wine, and took the rum from Mulder. She
poured herself a shot, and looked at the kitchen. "Probably because
if we sat at the big table, we'd kill our table mates. I mean, I could
kill a man with a salad fork, you?"

"Only if that man were Krycek or-- Bob."

"Plastic dinnerware-- very chic," Scully said, looking at the place which
said Dana. "And spill-proof cups!"

She drained her rum without even taking another breath. "So, hmm,
who are we expecting tonight? Let's see-- my mom's at the head of
the table-- Alex at the foot, Bob and Teena, Spender and date--
Jeffy's date, hmm-- Bill and Tara-- and, who? Charles and Sami. Mom?
Who's Sami?"

"Sami is Charles's girlfriend," Maggie called. "Dana, you shouldn't
drink so much."

"I'm not drinking!" Scully replied, pouring herself more of Ahab's
rum. "Mom, why are we at the kid's table?"

"I ran out of room, honey."

"Okay," Scully replied. She glowered at Mulder. "So long. I'm gone."

"You can't leave me here!" Mulder hissed.

"You can come with me."

"You can't ditch your mom's dinner party!"

"I'm not watching my beloved mother play house with Krycek!"

"And what about Vansen's session when my mother and Bob made up?"

"I got you out, you nancy boy!" Scully said, a touch louder
than she'd expected.

"What was that?" Marita asked. "Ah. Agents Mulder and Scully."

"Marita?" Mulder asked. "What are you doing here?"

"She's my date, you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, so stop eyeing
her," Spender said.

Scully smiled. "Oh. She's your date. Okay. Would you two like
something to drink? If you don't, I'll drink it for you."

"How about a nice martini?" Marita asked hopefully, butchering
nice into a thousand splinters.

"Sorry. My dad didn't go for fancy drinks like that. Want some
gin?" Scully asked, rustling through the bottles.

"Dana, honey, dinner's ready."

Scully poured herself another shot, gulped it down, and felt a
bit woozy. However, it was still not enough alcohol to deal with
the thought of Krycek and her mom. She sat down as smoothly as
possible, not wanting to draw attention to herself. For once, she
was pleased with her short stature. Mulder on the other hand was trying
unsuccessfully to sit in his chair. He finally managed to get his
long legs under the small table.

The others joined them, quickly taking their seats at the larger table.
There was a bottle of wine at the table and cups were quickly filled.
Except for Spender's and Tara's-- they didn't drink.

"Alcohol is bad for the body and I want another child." Tara took a
sip of her water.

"I'm not using a spill-proof cup," Mulder growled to Scully. She had
become very interested in her place card all of the sudden.

"Dana honey, could you help me bring in the appetizers?" Maggie asked
from the kitchen.

"Sure Mom." She stood up and would have agreed to anything that
would get her out of the room at that moment. However, she was
beginning to think that the last shot hadn't been such a good idea.
*Don't have quite the tolerance you did in college Dana*, she mused.
She stood up and walked to the kitchen.

Mulder momentarily thought about stealing her seat. His was too close
to Krycek for his comfort. Then again, being in the same town as Krycek
was enough to make Mulder uncomfortable.

"I was surprised when Maggie told me about you two, Alex. Then again,
you two were close during the session at Vansen's." Teena sipped at
her wine.

Mulder suppressed a shudder at the memory. Marita looked at Teena
questioningly.

"What is Vansen's?" she asked, managing to make it sound more
like Vanssenss.

"It's where I met Margaret." Krycek took a sip of his wine.

"It's where Bob and I got back together." Teena placed a hand on Bob's
arm and smiled at him. "We all had major breakthroughs. Well, almost all
of us." She looked pointedly at her son.

At that moment, the appetizers arrived.

"Plenty more where these came from." Scully announced, placing them
unceremoniously on the table. She was unable to ignore the looks
that her Mom was giving that murdering bastard Krycek. They were lustful
and another shot sounded like a great idea. What she said was true, her
mom was famous for making way too much food every night. They had two
fridges downstairs just to hold the leftovers and it wasn't uncommon for
people to find themselves laden down with packages while leaving the house.

Scully made her way back to the kid's table and sat down. Maggie took her
place at the head of the table and gazed lovingly at Krycek.

"So, you and Alex met at a therapy session Mom?" Tara asked and
took a sip of her Evian.

"Yes, I fell in love with him there and I was afraid he would
reject me because of my age. But Alex sees beyond that."

"Oh God, I'm going to be sick," Scully whispered to Mulder. She
needed more alcohol.

"Awww...how romantic!" Tara replied. "Was it truly love at first
sight?"

"For me it was," Krycek answered.

*This is not happening, this is not happening...* Scully chanted to
herself.

"Yessss how romantic." Marita gulped down her wine, this was making
her a bit queasy. The thought of Alex with that woman was almost too much
to take.

"Someday that could be us, Marita," Spender whispered to her hopefully.

"Perhaps someday Jeffy." Marita was already starting to regret saying
yes to him. However, perhaps this night would give her the chance to
'get to know' Mulder better. She smiled at Spender.

"How long do we have to stay here?" Mulder asked, trying his appetizer.
It did taste delicious.

"Until dessert, that's it, after dessert we can leave." Scully
whispered, trying to ignore the fact that her mom loved seven
course meals.

Everyone began snacking on appetizers, and despite Mulder's
silent wish that Skinner would call and they'd have to leave, he
had to admit, the appetizers were good.

"Mom, these are sooooo scrumptious," Tara said. Scully hid a
glare. Could her sister-in-law be any more annoying? "And Matthew
thinks so, too, don't you, Matthew, don't yoooooo?"

Okay, spoke too soon. Scully noted that Bob didn't think much of
Tara, either. He looked about ready to spew-- or light up a
cigarette. Which reminded Mulder of something.

"Hey, you black-lunged SOB," Mulder said. "Where's your cancer sticks?"

"Teena and I made Dad give up smoking. It's bad for the health,"
Spender said. "I don't understand how anyone can pollute their body
with things like tobacco and alcohol."

"You're kidding, right?" Bill Junior asked.

"Bill!" Tara cried. "I think that's wonderful. More people should
realize that you don't need those poisons to be happy."

Scully noisily got herself another glass of wine. "Cheers to you,
Tara hon," she said. Mulder hid a grin.

"You're smashed," he mouthed at her.

"No I'm not!" she said aloud. "Can I have more appetizers? These are
deeeeelicious."

"Well, thank you, Dana," Maggie said. "Alex helped me make them."

"Oh," Scully said. "I don't want any more of them, then."

Mrs. Scully gave her daughter a sad little look, but Krycek's
gaze resembled a leer. A "you're tasty" leer. Scully pretended
she didn't see it, and began sipping at her wine. She did intend
to get smashed silly-- the only way to deal with a world as insane
as this-- but spewing at your mother's dinner party was
very immature.

"Did you see that?" Scully murmured to Mulder.

"What?"

"Krycek. He was giving me the eye."

"He was not," Mulder said. "You think? Nah. He was giving me the
eye, I bet you. I mean, dang, he is bisexual."

"No he's not. He's *dating* my mother, hello?"

"What are you two crazy kids talking about?" Maggie asked, a
hopeful smile on her face.

"Hacking into the Department of Defense and finding the truth
that Bob here is more evil than Hitler, the government is covering
up proof of extraterrestrial existence, and the fact this wine is
definitely drugged, hoo boy," Scully said in a rush.

"Dana, don't you think you've had enough of that?" Maggie said.
"We do have a while left 'til dessert, and you want to remember
dessert. I made your favorite, triple fudge brownie cake with swirls."

"Did Alex help?" Scully asked, deadpan.

"No. I swear before holy God, my boyfriend, who makes me happy,
treats me well, calls me on a regular basis, helped me with dinner,
and happens to be sober, did not make my selfish, drunken
daughter's favorite dessert. Will you eat it now, Dana honey?"

"Whoa, your mom's pissed off at you!" Mulder said.

"Fox, would you stop that?" Teena asked. "It wouldn't hurt you
to act like a normal human being instead of a paranoid charismatic
conspiracy theorist who's never gotten past the loss of his sister
and is emotionally arrested at twelve."

Spender could barely hide his glee. About freaking time someone
told those arrogant jerks Mulder and Scully they weren't all that
and more. He turned his radiant grin on to Marita, who rolled her
eyes and went back to contemplating Mulder-- good Lord, he was hot!

"Mom--"

"Mother--"

"Eat your appetizers," Teena and Maggie said together. Mulder
and Scully sighed, and sullenly went after the appetizers.

"Grandma, Matthew thinks it's time for the soup and salad,"
Tara said, her annoyance level rising yet again. Even Maggie couldn't
quite take this with a calm face.

"Yeah. Okay. Soup and salad-- Bill, could you help me?"

"Of course, Mom," Bill said, thanking God he had earned the
favor to escape the room. Mulder, on the other hand, was feeling
his legs ache from the ungodly position he was keeping them in.

"Hey, Scully, does your brother Charles ever show up for dinner
parties? Is your mom just punishing us?" he asked.

"Fox-- Dana, why don't you practice talking to the rest of us?"
Teena said.

"Yeah, Dana, Fox, why not break those barriers of isolation and show
the world what wonderful people you are inside," Spender piped in.
He grinned at Teena, his dad, and Marita. Bob and Marita tried very
hard to hide their irritation.

"So, okay, let's talk," Scully said, finishing her glass of wine.
"What do we want to talk about? What do people talk about at dinner
parties, anyway? Shallow stuff, goofy boring crap that no one in
their right minds really cares about, Tara, Jeffy, I'm looking to
you for guidance."

"Dana, would you please not ruin your mother's dinner party?"
Krycek asked, punctuating his request with a glance at her breasts.
At least, Scully thought so. "I think you're a little tipsy
there, missy."

Missy! Of all the-- "I'm not tipsy," Scully said. "And you're
not my father, and don't you dare tell me what to do, you
sister-murdering-- Mom! Bill-- ooh, what kind of soup are we having?"

"Bouillabaisse," Maggie said. "Is everyone happy?"

"Yeah," Krycek said. "We're all happy as clams here, aren't we, Dana?"

"Don't you call me Dana," Scully said. "Mom, he's looking at me!"

"Who's looking at you, Dana, you're acting like an eight-year-old."

"Maybe it's because I've been relegated to the kids' table," Scully said.

"Dana Katherine Scully, I've never been so embarrassed by you in
my entire life! You're going to have to just stop this nonsense
immediately!" Maggie shouted.

"Fine. Would you excuse me for a moment? All this family love is
making me a tad nauseous," Scully said, standing up and sweeping
out of the room.

"Must be that time of the month," Spender said.

End 1/2

Think Before You Use That Title 2: A Family Affair (2/2)
by Jennifer Stoy and Rachel Ehrentreu
disclaimer et al in part one

Once inside the bathroom Scully stared into the mirror and
locked the door. Maybe she could just hide the rest of the
dinner party -- yes the bathroom was looking more and more
attractive. God knows she didn't eat that much anyway.

Meanwhile Mulder was trying very hard to avoid Krycek's gaze.

"This is delicious Mrs. Scully," he said keeping his eyes on
his plate, who knew soup could look so interesting? Actually,
it reminded him of an alien virus -- yes, that's how it was
transmitted! Soup! He absently wondered how much he'd had to drink.

"Bill and I are going to have more children, lots and lots
more. When are you going to have kids, Fox?" Tara asked suddenly.

Mulder managed to resist the urge to get out of his chair,
take Matthew and run as far away from the house as humanly
possible. "Last time I checked men can't have children, Tara."

"Well I didn't mean *you* -- how about Dana?"

Count to ten..."I think she'd have to answer that." Proud of
himself for his restraint.

"Tara, eat your soup," Maggie said from the head of the table.
"And you too, Fox."

He murmured something under his breath and continued sipping his soup.

"So -- Alex, what are your plans for the future?" Teena asked,
noticing the lull in conversation and seizing on it.

"Well Teena, I was thinking of taking over Bob's place after
I kill him."

Everyone laughed, even Bob. Not bloody likely that someone like
Krycek could ever take over his place! Besides, One-Armed Man
didn't sound as good as Cigarette-Smoking Man. No, Bob thought
dejectedly, make that Nicorette-Gum Chewing Man.

Mulder noticed that Marita was staring at him so intently
that the soup on her spoon never quite made it to her mouth.
It dripped onto the tablecloth making a little pool next
to the bowl.

"Alex, you helped with the soup?" Tara asked taking another
huge spoonful and feeding some to Matthew because he just loved
soup *so* much.

"Yes I did," Krycek said proudly, gazing lovingly at Maggie.

Mulder dropped his spoon quickly and took a large gulp
of wine to kill the taste. God knew what that rat bastard
put in the soup. There were all these weird things floating
in the liquid, he wasn't taking any chances.

"Is something wrong Fox?" Maggie asked concerned.

He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. Would Krycek and
Marita *ever* stop staring at him?

"Alex could you help me with the salad?" Maggie stood up and
walked towards the kitchen. Krycek left with her. Mulder was
grateful for the brief respite. Until he realized that his
mother was exchanging googly eyes with Bob.

Suddenly, food sounded like a very bad idea. Oh God they were
holding hands and doing God knows what under the table. How could
everyone else just look blithely ahead eating their soup? Didn't
they notice what was going on? His stomach turned just
thinking about it.

"Salad's here!" Maggie announced putting a huge bowl of
field greens onto the already stuffed table. Krycek brought
in the homemade raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

Mulder looked longingly at the front door -- which he could
almost see from his vantage point. A few steps, it wouldn't
take long, he could outrun them. Speaking of which-- where
was Scully?

"Do you want some salad Fox?" Teena asked, concerned that
her son wasn't eating enough.

"No thank you, Mother," he managed to get out.

"Mom this dressing is yummerific!" Tara squealed taking another
bite of what looked like greens which had been mowed, washed
and served.

Maggie beamed. She had gotten the recipe from the latest issue of
"Martha Stewart" and had been dying to try it out. Actually,
that was her secret motive for the dinner party.

Marita eyed the salad like it was going to sprout legs and
walk off the table. Besides, trying to stare lustfully at Mulder
and eat was obviously not working.

Krycek was never a big salad eater but to make Maggie happy
he'd do anything so he took a big forkful of the greens and
instantly regretted it. The dressing was sweet -- way too sweet
but he forced himself to smile at Maggie and pretend to like it.
Why was Mulder staring at him? He always knew something was wrong
with that man. "So Mulder, how are you doing? Still trying to stop
that alien colonization thing?"

"I'm going to check on Scully," Mulder answered, standing up.
Or at least trying to stand, his legs had cramped horribly so
he fell on his way out of the room.

"I'm alright." he called back and started crawling towards
the bathroom.

Scully had been trying to focus during her time in the
bathroom. "I am soooo drunk," she told her image in the mirror.
"I am wasted like a sorority pledge on bid night. I am trashed
like Mulder's apartment after we pick up important evidence. I am--
I am not going back to that party."

A quiet little knock stopped her reverie. "I'm busy!" she called.

"Scully, it's me. Help," Mulder whispered. Scully groaned
and reluctantly unlocked the bathroom door. Mulder paused only
a minute and let himself in. Then he swiftly shut the door and
locked the door behind them.

"Mulder, what are you doing? This is so inappropriate!"
Scully whispered to her partner.

"I'm hiding," Mulder replied. "We have to get out of here,
Scully. It's vital to our sanity. My mother is playing smoochies with--"

"Your mother?" Scully hissed. "My mom's new boyfriend is
Alex Krycek! We already knew your mother was a--"

"Don't say slut," Mulder said. "Don't you dare."

"I'll do what I want to!" Scully said, a little louder now.

"Oh, you will?" Mulder asked, belligerent.

"Mulder, don't you dare!" Scully squealed. "Mulder, what are you doing?"

"Shh, Scully, don't clue them in," Mulder said, pointing to the
bathroom window. "If you just stay quiet, we'll be able to do this."

"But my mom will kill us!" Scully replied, trying to get quiet.
"No, Mulder."

"Come on, Scully. Be brave," Mulder replied, pushing past her to
get to the window.

"Dammit, Mulder, you are so pushy," Scully replied, hopping up
on her mother's immaculate counter. "If I weren't so drunk, I'd kick
your ass for suggesting this. But-- what the hell."

Mulder climbed up on the toilet and opened the window. "Space
may be a problem."

"Oh, just push hard, you baby," Scully replied. "It's easy. Even
you can do this."

"What if I hurt myself?"

"I'll go first," Scully replied. "Come on, Mulder. This was your
idea, hurry it up!"

In the dining room, eight people sat, too stunned to eat the
main course Maggie had brought out. Tara was munching away on the
turkey and mashed potatoes, though.

"I cannot believe this," Teena said. "I cannot believe the sheer--"

"Rudeness," Maggie finished. "This is what I think it is, right?"

Scully, from the distance, let out a throaty little grunt-- the
result of trying to reach the window and fit through. "Mulder!
Help me here!" she called.

"I thought they swore on a stack of Bibles they weren't," Bill
said, chuckling grimly. He picked up a turkey leg and took a large,
lusty bite out of it as Mulder replied-- "Almost there, Scully,
you're doin' great-- come on, just a little more--" He could now
kick the spooky bastard's ass without excuse.

Marita pouted. She was stuck going home with her date. She could
have sworn on a stack of surveillance tapes Mulder and Scully were
just friends, but apparently--

"MULDER! Mulder! Don't stop!" Scully cried quite loudly. "Just
like that--"

Spender's eyes were huge. "Oh my God!" he said suddenly. "They're
having sex in there, aren't they?"

Tara dropped her fork. "What?" she cried. "They're doing what?
Right in the room next to my baby?"

"Scullee, you're killin' me! You're absolutely killin' me-- we
shouldn't have tried this-- no."

"Mulder, you cowardly son of a bitch," Scully said, wedged in
the window. "Fine. I think we're done here."

Mulder helped her down from the window. Scully was quite a mess now.
Her skirt was hiked wrong, her hair was tousled and messy, and
her shirt had rumpled. Also, her heels had gotten kicked off
during her frantic attempt at escape. She stood before Mulder in
stocking feet, arms akimbo-- it was actually quite sexy, Mulder
realized. Her breathing was also a little heavy from her exertions.

"I don't think we're cut out for this sort of thing," Mulder
replied calmly, surveying himself in the mirror. A little worse
for the wear, but nothing that dramatic.

"We were doing just FINE until you lost your nerve," Scully
replied. "Oh, God. Everyone's going to know what we did. Look
at me!"

"Let me help clean you up," Mulder replied. Maggie lost it at
that point, and got out of her chair, striding madly for the bathroom.

"Mulder, it's not your fault. It was just a difficult
operation," Scully said.

"What's so hard about fitting tab a into slot b--"

Maggie pounded on the door. "You two get out here! Right now!
I mean it!"

Mulder and Scully looked at each other in absolute horror.

"Oh, shit," Mulder said. "We're so dead."

"Well, come on. Let's not keep everyone waiting," Scully
replied. "Coming, Mother dear!"

"What are we going to say?"

"The truth," Scully said.

"You're way god-damn drunk," Mulder said, as Scully yanked open
the door, to her mother's shocked stare.

"Dana Katherine Scully, what sort of daughter did I raise?"
Maggie said in a low, serious voice. "Look at you. I can't believe
this. And Fox, I cannot believe that you think you can do this
sort of thing as a guest in my home."

"Mom, we-- I-- we're sorry. It was a mistake," Scully said. "I'm
just really drunk and when Mulder suggested it, I-- well-- it
sounded like a good idea at the time."

"Sorry, Mrs. Scully," Mulder added, looking anywhere but at
the woman.

"All right," Mrs. Scully said severely. "I will go and calm
my dinner party down, and then you two will come out and act
like decent human beings for the remainder of it. I don't want
to hear one smug, superior comment from the either of you. I
don't care if Tara starts speaking in tongues; you will smile and
act polite. Do you hear me? Fox? Dana?"

"Yes, Mom," the pair said in unison. Mrs. Scully nodded and
strode back out to the dinner party, smile fixed in place.

"It's all right. Everything's fine. Dana's contact fell out,
and Fox tried to help," she lied. Everyone tried to act like they
believed it, but that became significantly more difficult when
Mulder and Scully walked out, looking-- well-- mussed.

"Oh, Mom, the main course looks fantastic!" Scully said, hoping
that God would just strike her dead now. She sat down and put on
her most dazzling smile and aimed it right at Tara.

"It's yummdillyumptious," Tara replied. Scully bit back a Ned
Flanders comment and stepped on Mulder's foot. This didn't do too
much with Scully being barefoot.

"I bet it is," Scully said, and dug in. Krycek turned and
smiled at Scully with sheer lust. Scully looked at Mulder,
unspoken communication in that glance. Mulder had noticed the
glance, but figured it was aimed at him, somehow.

"Wow, Alex, you helped with this dinner?" Mulder asked, figuring
he owed Scully for saving him from Vansen's. "You're quite a cook."

"Why, thank you, Fox," Krycek said. "But Maggie really deserves
the credit. She's showed me so much--"

Scully bit her lip harder. This was not happening. This was a
hallucination brought on by some Consortium-manufactured drug
in her booze. Or maybe it was just the booze. Yeah, that was it.

"Matthew, are you numming your tatoes? Oh, yes, that's my big
boy!" Tara cooed. Scully sighed. No, not even the best LSD could
manage to make her trip like _that_.

"These really are great potatoes Mom-- creamy just the way I like
them," Scully ate enthusiastically, thinking the quicker she ate
the quicker she could leave. "And this turkey is incredible --
melt in your mouth good!"

"I second that Mrs. Scully. Have you ever thought of cooking
professionally?" Mulder added, really laying on the charm.

Maggie beamed and ate some of her food. Everyone was silent, each
person trying to avoid looking directly at Scully or Mulder and
failing miserably.

"So Fox, how are your cases going?" Teena speared a piece of white
meat turkey with her fork.

"Good, Mother, we caught a serial killer a few days ago. We
also have a very interesting case file that just came in..." he
babbled.

"Dana, eat your vegetables. You missed the salad," Maggie
reminded her miserable, messy daughter.

Scully nodded and mechanically ate the green beans and whatever
else was on her plate, God how embarrassing-- how old was she,
seven?

Marita kept looking over at her jealously, she should have known,
heck she remembered many times where she'd wound up in the bathroom
with some guy. One of the guys happened to be sitting directly
across from her and sleeping with a woman twice his age.

"This really is delicious Alex," Marita praised, trying to get
Spender's hand off her leg discreetly.

Krycek nodded and continued eating. Dammit, cutting food was so hard
with one arm.

"So, anyone seen any good movies lately?" Scully asked after a long
lull in conversation.

"I saw a good movie yesterday..." Mulder began. "Wait, never
mind." No one wanted to hear about those movies.

"We watched Barney's Big Adventure a few days ago didn't we,
mycutewittlebabywaby...," Tara answered but her speech
became indecipherable.

"Yeah, it was great," Bill said sarcastically spooning more
stuffing onto his plate.

"Marita and I saw Titanic again last night!" Spender announced,
totally oblivious to the fact that his date was licking her lips
and staring intently at Mulder.

"I love that movie! Oh the ending scene with Jack and Rose,
Jack! Jack!" Tara interjected, her eyes tearing.

Scully rolled her eyes and bit her lip. She checked her watch. No,
that's impossible, it had only been two hours? Was slow time an
X-File? Yes-- this was definite fodder for a case. She caught
Mulder's eye and they exchanged more silent communication.

"It was so sad -- wasn't it, Dad?" Spender added.

Bob wished he had a gun with him, just a small one, a leg wound
might shut his son up. "Yes, yes it was." This was ruining his
reputation.

"You sobbed so much during the last half of the movie I thought that
I was going to need to get more napkins...," Spender continued,
oblivious to Bob's murderous stare.

"It was a very sad movie," Tara said in Bob's defense.

For their part Mulder and Scully stared straight ahead and smiled
at the other table. They didn't trust themselves to speak.

"I found it-- uh, sad, too," Teena chimed in, trying to help her
boyfriend retain his reputation.

"Wasn't it so romantic how they were married by love?" Tara asked
no one in particular.

"Yes, yes it was." Maggie gazed lovingly at Krycek.

"You know, someday that could be you and I, Margaret." Krycek
replied, wishing he was closer to her.

"I'm going to be sick," Scully whispered, very, very softly.

"If your Mom and I got married Dana, I'd love it if you called
me Dad." Krycek turned towards her, looking up and down her body
appreciatively. Again, Mulder somehow thought this was directed at
him. His hands fisted under the table, before this night was over
he was going to kill that bastard.

Scully sputtered, coughing on the wine that she was drinking. But
she was too stunned to speak.

"That would be so wonderful! Then maybe Teena and Bob could get
married and Jeffy and Marita and Fox and Dana and then we'd all
be one big happy family!" Tara squealed with delight.

"Yes, that would be wonderful," Marita purred, looking over
at Mulder who appeared to be shell shocked.

"If you don't want to call me Dad, Uncle would be okay Dana."

If looks could kill, she'd be autopsying him. She bit her lip harder.

"I just realized! You and Fox are like Jack and Rose!" Tara grinned.

"How is that Tara?" Mulder asked after a few measured seconds of
silence.

"Well, you're in love and you mean a lot to each other. Oh and
just like Jack and Rose you also," she covered Matthew's ears with
her hands and whispered, "had sex in an odd place."

The room went silent. "What...what odd place is that Tara?"
Scully asked, digging her fingernails into her palm.

"We all know what you were doing in that bathroom," Tara answered
matter of factly.

Scully and Mulder both went a peculiar shade of red. Forks
dropped onto plates loudly.

"Tara!" everyone at the table shouted and then stared directly
at the kid's table.

Scully prayed for alien abduction and Mulder wondered if that
timetable for colonization could be brought up a few years.

"Oh my God," Scully whispered. She seemed absolutely stunned
by this new accusation. Mulder took one look at her big, perfectly
round blue eyes and realized it was up to him to save them this
time. He awkwardly stood up and glared at the table of family
and enemies.

"Are you all insane?" Mulder asked. "We didn't have sex in
the bathroom! What do you think we are, a pair of hormonally
charged teenagers?"

"Well, you were both looking rather tense at the table--" Teena
said lamely.

"Could it possibly be because everyone here is out of their mind?
I mean, God damn! I've never been at a scarier gathering! This makes
the Jerry Springer show look like Full House! This makes a Star Trek
convention look like Boy Scouts! Do you want to know what we were
doing in that bathroom, in all honesty?"

"YES!" several voices chorused in unison.

"We were trying to escape out the bathroom window. We didn't
fit," Mulder said.

"You tried to escape a dinner party by jumping out a window?"
Spender asked incredulously. "What the hell is wrong with you two?"

"You wanna know what's wrong with me? You people! I mean, you,
Jeffy Spender, I mean, do the words weenie boy mean anything to
you? I've met houseplants with more testosterone than you! And your
ho-bag date, she's such a ho that when people pass her on the street
they say, "God damn, that is one trashy ho!" I mean, who haven't
you slept with at this table besides me, Marita?"

"Umm-- the women, and Jeffy?"

Bill Junior turned a deep dark shade of red. Damn his Navy
buddies for that bachelor party! Tara's mouth dropped, but
before she could make a noise, Mulder wheeled on her.

"And you, have you ever heard of tact? I mean, Scully cannot
have kids, you know that, yet on and on and on you yammer,
motherhood makes you whole, I never knew what being a woman was
until I had Matthew-- why don't you just take your steak knife,
cut Scully with it, and pour salt on the wound? It would be
quicker! By the way, you are a bore, and your husband is an
asshole, and I have nothing more to say to you!"

Teena shook her head. "Bob, you have no taste."

"Mom, you have no taste," Mulder replied. "Mrs. Scully, you have
no taste. What is wrong with you two? Do you guys actually realize
how bad these two are? They're evil, E-V-I-L, EVIL! For heaven's
sake-- Scully?"

Scully had risen rather unsteadily. "I have to go now. Thanks for
dinner, Mom, sorry I can't stay for the dessert."

Outside, the roar of a motorcycle engine was rising as Dana Scully
walked rather unsteadily out of the door. Charles Scully and his
new girlfriend had almost reached the house.

"I've got to warn you again. My family is insane. My brother is an
asshole, his wife is an airhead, my sister is-- well, God talks to
Dana, or at least, when God talks to someone else, he's really
talking to Dana," Charles said. "My mom is okay. She's got a new
boyfriend, and she warned me he's half her age."

"Good for your mom," Sami said. "I don't know anything about my
family. I ran off from them as soon as I could. I had a brother,
can we say psycho? And my mom, nothing's wrong with her a lot
of Valium couldn't cure."

"Families suck. That's why I don't go to parties very often," Charles
said. "Let's be mutually brave, mutually sane, and move fast."

He pulled his shining Harley into the driveway and the two of
them pulled off their helmets, just as the door burst open.

"I'm going away! God, I can't believe this, why me? What have I
done to deserve this?" Scully said rather loudly, stomping off
across the lawn. Sami's eyes went wide.

"Oh, my. This is going to be fun," she said. "Not."

"Dana?" Charlie called. "Are you okay?"

"No! I'm not! And you know what? You're an asshole! Because of you
and your date, I had to sit at the freakin' kids table tonight! You
will pay for that, Charlie! Now I'm out of here-- where are my keys?"

"SCULLY!" Mulder cried, hurrying to the front door. "SCUL-LAAYYY!"

"Who's that?" Sami asked. Mulder caught a glimpse of her and
paled. Scully had seen Mulder and started walking a lot faster.

"Samantha? Samantha? It's me, Fox, your brother. Would you do me a
big big favor? Stay right here. I have to go catch Scully, then we're
going to talk. Mom is doing your Dad again, and we have to stop it.
Immediately. And your half-brother is in there, too. So-- just, don't
go anywhere."

Mulder started running after Scully, who could run pretty fast in
bare feet. Charles Scully and Samantha Mulder stared at each other
in absolute silence for a moment. Then they put on their motorcycle
helmets.

"I saw a bar on the way here," Charles said.

"Good idea. So she's your sister?"

"And he's your brother?"

"Why does this make sense at this point?" Charlie asked.

"I don't know. You wanna get out of here?"

"Yes," they said together, and just started laughing. Then they
got on their motorcycle and drove off into the sunset together.

Back inside the house, everyone was silent for a long long while.
After a while, though, Mrs. Scully cleared her throat and stood up.
She surveyed her guests. They looked like they had just survived a
hurricane. Hurricane Dana. She forced herself to smile a little.
Everyone looked at her expectantly. Finally, she just said it.

"I don't think those two spoilsports should ruin our party. Anyone
for dessert?" she asked. "It's triple fudge brownie cake, and it's
absolutely delicious..."

"Where's my sister, you black lunged SOB!?" the lanky one shouted.

"Why did you abandon my mother and me?" asked a whiny looking young man.

"Who's my father?" the lanky one asked a silver-haired old lady.

"Do you find me attractive?" a blondish man asked no one in particular.

"What on earth is going on between you two?" the older woman asked the lanky
one and a pretty redheaded woman.

"Why am I always being tormented?" the whiny young man asked.

"Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?" the redhead asked
suddenly.

Dr. Vansen suddenly whistled, and everyone turned to look at her.

"This is getting us all nowhere. Why don't we try to do this in smaller
pieces? People can talk to each other one on one, tell us their names, maybe
talk about what is going on that's bothering them-" she said. Her gaze caught
two of the group, the attractive man and woman, whispering to each other,
shooting icy gazes at most of the other people.

"Seems like you two are ready to talk," Cecilia said cheerfully, "So why don't
we start with you- how about a simple question- what do you call each other?"

* * *
"Bus-sted," Krycek called from across the room. Dana Scully fixed him with her
best "your ass is dead" glare and he promptly shut up. Then she forced a smile
and looked at Dr. Vansen.

"Well, I'm Special Agent Dana Scully, MD, and he's Special Agent Fox-"

"No, let him speak for himself," Dr. Vansen said.

"Yeah, Scully. I'm Agent Fox Mulder, FBI."

"And you two are-?" Vansen asked, trying to ascertain their relationship.

They gave each other a look, and answered together-
"Partners!"
"Friends!"

Dr. Vansen caught several "yeah, right" looks floating around the group. She
suppressed a smile. This was interesting.

"And what do you call each other?" she asked in her best professional voice.

"Mulder-it's-me," Krycek answered. "Or Scully-it's-me."

"Shut *up*, Krycek," Mulder hissed. "Look. It's very simple. I call Scully
Scully and she calls me Mulder."

"Usually," Scully amended.

"What do you mean, usually?" Mulder asked. Dr. Vansen bit her lip, and looked
around the group. Everyone was rolling their eyes- obviously this banter was
normal behavior between the two. Interesting.

"You do call me Dana sometimes," she pointed out. "Of course, I never call you
Fox. Or "Spooky" Mulder."

"Think before you use that title, Scully. If I'm spooky, you're Mrs. Spooky."

"I am NOT!" she cried. Jeffrey Spender looked at them curiously.

"You mean, you guys don't use first names?" he asked, "Not even when you're-?"

Two stony gazes fixed on the young agent.

"We're not-" Scully began.

"Having a love affair," Mulder finished. "We're *friends* and *partners*,
okay?"

"Yeah, seriously," Scully agreed. "Hey, Mulder, just wondering- what name
*would* you want me to scream?"

Mulder stared at her in horror. "Scul-lleee!" he said, embarrassed.

"Just a little scientific inquiry, don't freak. I mean, you believe in extreme
possibilities, why can't I?" Scully asked, a satisfied smirk on her pretty
face. Dr. Vansen sighed, and scribbled a few notes on her pad- *Mulder and
Scully- unresolved sexual tension- ambiguous relationship- what the hell is
going on there?*

* * *
Dr. Vansen sighed and looked up at the next couple. "Well, Mr..."
She expected him to supply a name, but nothing happened.

The elderly man only stared at her and took a long drag on his cigarette. The
dignified-looking woman sitting next to him shot him a look that Dr. Vansen
was unable to decipher.

"You can call him Cancerman." Mulder supplied, not helpfully. Scully turned
towards him.

"Mulder! Cancer is nothing to joke about. Think before you use that title! I
might as well have been called cancer woman..."

Scully's voice trailed off.

"Scully, I didn't mean..."

"Fox's in trouble, Fox's in trouble..." Krycek chanted.

"Shut up, you murdering SOB," Mulder growled, having had about enough of this
whole therapy thing.

Vansen sighed again and tried unsuccessfully to bring order to the session.
Scully had reacted strongly to the mention of cancer, but Vansen didn't want
to bring up another explosive emotional topic. It seemed these people argued
about everything. She turned her attention back to the man who was smoking.

"Sir? What's your name again?" she asked insistently.

"It's no use asking him for his name, I've known him for 40 years and still
don't know his real name," Mrs. Mulder told her.

"Okay, what name does he use then?" Vansen asked, confused by the answer.

"Call me- Bob," the man answered, staring at Vansen and taking another drag of
his cigarette.

"I'm allergic to smoke," Jeffrey announced, whining slightly.

Bob glanced at him and then put the cigarette out on Vansen's plush carpet.

"Your mom raised a wimp," he announced to his son.

"You left us!" Jeffrey shouted.

Vansen sighed again and resisted the urge to bury her head in her hands. This
was going to be a hellish session, and it had just begun.

* * *
The door swung open. It was Cecilia's secretary, Nancy.

"There are a couple of latecomers outside, Doc," she said, pushing her hair
back over her shoulders, "A Margaret and Bill Scully?"

"Let them in," Vansen said, her head aching. "Your parents, Scully?"

"Her mom and her asshole brother, actually," Mulder supplied.

"Don't call Bill an asshole," Scully replied.

"Hey- you called him that just last week!" Mulder snapped.

"That doesn't mean you can call him that- hi, Mom! Hi, Bill."

"Let's get this over with," Bill Jr. said, flopping down next to Krycek.

"Who the hell are you?"

"He's our next participant," Dr. Vansen said. "You seem to have a lot to say,
Mr. Krycek-"

"Just Krycek," Krycek replied.

"Okay- Krycek- so who do you need to talk to?" Dr. Vansen said, making a
mental note- *smartass*.

"I don't care," Krycek said with a glare, "Everyone hates me, even Mulder, and
I'm trying to be his friend."

"You killed my dad. Way to be my friend," Mulder said. "And then- what was up
with that kiss?"

"It was a friendly kiss. What are you, homophobic?" Krycek asked. Mulder
sputtered, but didn't manage to say anything.

"So you and Mulder have- issues," Vansen said lamely.

"Damn straight we have issues! You killed my dad! You doublecrossed me! You
and that black-lunged SOB arranged Scully's abduction! You killed Scully's
sister, and then you kissed me to make it all better?" Mulder asked, "Oh,
yeah, now you're tryin' to save the world from the aliens. That's right!"

"You're so unforgiving, Fox," Krycek replied, "I was never your enemy."

Cecilia Vansen's pen went back to her notepad *Krycek- sexuality issues.* She
looked at the note and shuddered. Flashback to that other session again. She
crossed it out and wrote *Krycek- crush on Mulder. Mulder- has issues.*

"So who else do you have issues with, Fox?" Dr. Vansen asked, trying to keep
the conversation rolling.

"Mulder. Just Mulder."

"Okay, okay," Vansen said, "So, Just Mulder. Who else do you have issues
with?"

* * *
Agent Mulder looked at his mother with undisguised dislike. She looked
deceptively uncaring as she gazed back. Margaret Scully had to keep pulling on
her daughter's arm to keep her away from her partner and his mother. Cecilia
Vansen noted that- *M/S- get this couple some serious one on one therapy,
please! Co-Dependent. In denial. About everything.*

"You and I are overdue for a little chat, Mommie Dearest," Mulder told his
mother sternly.

"I know," his mom replied calmly.

"You cheated on my father. You lied about my sister. You slept with- with-
him! You could be involved in a hideous conspiracy to deceive the American
public! And you refuse to say anything!"

"Fox, we've been through this before. I don't remember," his mother said.

"That is such a cop-out," Scully hissed. Dr. Vansen gave her a little look,
and she quieted down.

"Be that all as it may," Mulder finished. "That's still not what bugs me the
most, Mom."

"Then *what* is it, Fox? God almighty, tell me!" his mother said, thoroughly
exasperated by her son's behavior.

Mulder's face contorted grotesquely. Scully caught her breath. Dr. Vansen, pen
poised, listened, waiting.

"It's- it's-" he stuttered. "My _name_, Mom. What on earth were you thinking?
Fox? I mean, I know your parents named you Teena, but come on! God damn, Mom!
Fox? Fox?"

He broke down into tears. Scully yanked away from her mother, and reached out
to comfort her partner in a very ambiguously platonic gesture. Vansen's pen
started flying across the paper, and Spender, Bill, and Krycek exchanged a
very amused glance. Mulder, eyes glistening, glared at Teena, his lower lip
trembling. Then he clutched at his partner, and buried his head in her
shoulder. Teena snorted, and shook her head.

"You've got more mental issues than I thought possible, Fox," Teena said,
exasperated. "My God, Fox, get over it. Don't be a pansy boy."

"You leave him alone," Scully said.

"Who are you, his mother? Oh, I forgot, you're just friends. Yeah, sure, I'll
believe that," Teena said.

"Teena! Scully!" Dr. Vansen shouted, "Stop that. If you ladies have problems,
we'll handle them later."

"The hooch and I have issues, too, okay?" Scully said, feeling more than a
little irritated at the whole situation, and the smooth-as-satin Dr. Cecilia
Vansen.

"I would think before I started using titles like that," Teena Mulder replied.

"I said, ladies! I graduated from Columbia, NOT Tulane, this is not a talk
show, so I am definitely not Jerry Springer, and I will not tolerate behavior
like this," Vansen said, looking very poised herself. Teena and Scully glared
at each other, but shut up. There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Fox, for the love of God, get off of her unless you intend to do the
honorable thing," Teena finally said, giving Scully the evil eye.

Jeff Spender and Krycek started laughing, but Bill Jr. looked a little less
than pleased, and Maggie sighed. Dr. Vansen sighed. Why on earth did
everyone's problems revolve around Mulder and Scully? She looked at her watch.
Damn. At the rate this was going, she was going to have to cancel her next
three appointments. The FBI was going to *pay* for this.
* * *

"Does anyone here have a problem that does not involve these two?" Vansen
pointed at Mulder and Scully, who looked back at her innocently.

A dead silence fell over the room. Vansen could almost hear crickets in the
background. Finally, someone spoke.

"My problem involves *him*," Teena spoke finally, gazing icily at 'Bob'.

"Okay, what exactly is your problem?" Vansen asked, almost daring anyone else
to speak.

"He killed my ex-husband, abducted my darling daughter, and never told me
about this *other* family."

"Actually, mom, *he* killed dad." Mulder had to speak up and pointed at
Krycek who gazed at him innocently.

"How many times do I have to tell you Mulder..." Krycek looked around the
group with 'do you see what I have to deal with?' gaze. Some of them nodded
sympathetically.

Bob finally spoke up. "Bill Mulder was a problem and problems have solutions."
He reached into his jacket to pull out another cigarette but was stopped by a
pleading look from Spender. He sighed and pulled out a stick of gum.

"And he tried to have me killed!" Scully spoke up after a few seconds,
pointing at Bob.

"He murdered my daughter in cold blood," Maggie said soon afterwards.

"At least you knew where she was," Teena answered.

Vansen sighed and started writing again, *subjects have a lot of issues --
unable to make clear diagnosis yet*. She looked at her watch and closed her
eyes. She could feel the beginnings of a headache behind her eyes. But there
was no time to focus on the pain because Maggie and Teena had started yelling
at each other.

"At least I never cheated on my husband or hurt my child."

"I *never* hurt my children." Teena said angrily.

"You allowed one of your children to be taken, I call that hurt."

"How dare you talk to me like that? Do you have any idea what it was like?"
Teena started to stand up, Bob put a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged
him off.

"You destroyed the lives of both your children, you're a terrible mother,"
Maggie told her angrily.

Now it was Scully's turn to keep her mom away from Teena. Mulder was
strangely- or maybe not- quiet.

"Ladies, please!" Vansen said, exasperated. She was about five seconds away
from physically standing in the middle of the circle to keep Maggie and Teena
apart.
* * *

"My daughter has sacrificed her career for your son!"

"Your daughter is a tease!"

"My daughter? Five years I've been waiting for a proposal, I know how your Fox
feels about my Dana, but does he ever say anything? Nooooo-"

"Proposal? If my Fox felt his proposal would be accepted, then he'd propose to
your Dana, but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX!" Mulder and Scully yelled together.

"Dana-"

"Fox-"

"You stay out of this," the mothers chimed in together.

"Think of the children," Teena said wistfully, "They'd be adorable."

"Yeah, if she could have children. That's another thing your love-muffin whose
name you can't recall did-"

"We'll go with Bob," Teena replied. "God damn it, Bob! Why'd you go and do a
stupid thing like that?"

"Me?" the man asked, looking surprised.

"A woman wants grandchildren, Bob," Teena said. "You nitwit! You idiot! You
two-timing double-crossing spawn of Satan!"

"I'm protecting the world, I'm solving problems. She-" he pointed at Scully
who glared back at him- "Was a danger to global safety."

"Don't give me that global safety line! It didn't work back in the day, and
it's not working now, Bob."

"Ooh, Jeffy," Krycek said. "Looks like your daddy's not getting any tonight."

"Shut up, you gay homosexual," Spender replied.

"I'm not gay, I'm just enjoying the tension I give to Mulder. Look at him,
Spender my man. He's freaked. His life's a mess anyway, and now he's got
mothers plotting weddings and me on his mind. Like Mango."

"Mango?" Spender asked, clueless.

"You're obviously not an Saturday Night Live fan. Never mind," Krycek said.
"Hey, Dr. Vansen, are you taping this? You could make a fortune."

While Krycek and Spender chatted, Mrs. Mulder and Mrs. Scully had tearfully
made up, and were quietly talking about something, glaring alternately at
their children or Bob, who had lit up again, while giving Spender his best
"I've seen presidents die" look. Dr. Vansen was still writing on her notepad,
waiting for the separate conversations to die down a little.

"Dr. Vansen?" Bill Jr. asked, "I have a problem."

"Does it involved your sister and her partner?"

"Yes."

"Is it about their sex lives?"

"No."

"Okay, then-" *thank god*, Vansen thought, those two have the most active
non-existent sex lives I've ever seen- "What is it, Bill?"

"I don't like Mulder," Bill said, "He gets Dana in trouble. And I'm mad at
Dana, because she won't let me kick his ass like a good older brother should."

"God damn it, Bill!" Scully snapped. "I'm sick of that bullshit! Okay, Dr.
Vansen, you want to hear issues? I'll give you issues!"

Everyone was silent as the tiny redheaded stood up and glared at the group
with eyes as frozen as the arctic. Cecilia Vansen prayed the woman didn't have
a weapon on her. It would be bad for Cecilia's reputation.

END Part 1/2

Think Before You Use *That* Title - (2/2)
by Rachel Ehrentreu (FirePhile@aol.com) and
Jennifer Stoy (jstoy@mailhost.tcs.tulane.edu)
Disclaimers in Part 1

* * *
Scully cleared her throat, stared down the entire group, and began
talking.

"I haven't had sex in years. I'm incapable of having children, everyone I
work with treats me like they're my older brother, Mulder only notices I'm
alive when my life is in danger and he's got so many mental problems he
could be the subject of a textbook. Everyone I've dated lately has been
psychotic and my *one* good chance at getting laid was overtaken by an
evil tattoo. Bill acts like I'm still 5 years old and looking for a bunny,
Mom acts like everyone I work with is a possible mate, my sister was
killed, my father died earlier, my entire life is controlled by a
conspiracy, I lost *three* months of my life...I can't take it anymore!"

A hush fell over the room and Vansen really worried about Scully having a
weapon. She could already see the slaughter. Luckily, Scully had put her
gun in her pocketbook, which was out of her reach at the moment.

"You didn't sleep with Ed?" Mulder started, sort of surprised.

Scully glared at him. "Unlike *some* people I don't sleep with someone
after only knowing them for a few hours. Or while on a case."

"Ooh, bad move, Fox." Krycek called from across the room, enjoying
himself thoroughly.

"I never did that!" Mulder said, ignoring Krycek.

"Kristen Kilar." Scully said deliberately.

"That was different..." Mulder said weakly, knowing he should have stayed
quiet.

"Who is this Kristen person, Fox?" Teena asked, looking up. "And you
have the nerve to accuse me of cheating."

"Scully and I aren't in a relationship, Mom!" Mulder said automatically,
feeling like a broken record.

"Dana, honey, who's Ed?" Maggie asked pathetically.

"No one, Mom." Scully sighed and sat back down, wondering how quickly she
could get out of the session and halfway tempted to make a run for it.

Vansen filled another page with notes.

"Okay, does anyone else want to comment on any issue other than Mulder and
Scully's sex lives?"

"I'm not gay," Krycek repeated.

"Yeah, right," Spender snorted.

"Just ask Marita," Krycek shrugged.

"You and Marita?" Mulder interjected more than a little confused.

"You weren't man enough for her...Foxy." Krycek laughed, draping an arm
over the back of his chair.

"Another woman, Fox? Really...what kind of son did I raise?" Teena asked,
looking over at Maggie, who nodded sympathetically.

"So you're bi." Spender answered. "I hope I never get stuck in jail with
you."

"Mulder, we were in jail together, did anything happen?" Krycek asked,
looking for back up.

"I wouldn't know, you had them infect me with the black cancer."

"You recovered from the black cancer? The Russians had the cure this
entire time?" Bob asked, eyes widening with realization. He took another
drag on his cigarette and ignored the coughs coming from Spender.

"We always were better than you Americans." Krycek answered
matter-of-factly.

"Not quite...damn commies."

"Hey, think before you use that title, communism fell in Russia years ago,
old man."

"I should have killed you when I had the chance," Bob muttered, turning
towards Mulder. "How could you have missed him? You were supposed to have
killed him."

"I was what?" Mulder asked, now thoroughly confused.

"You were drugged and had a gun, what went wrong?" Bob asked, shrugging.

"I took action. I wasn't going to let you frame Mulder for murder," Scully
said resolutely, pinning Bob with her eyes.

"No, shooting him was a much better idea." Krycek said, oozing sarcasm.

Vansen looked at her clock- God, two more hours of this. She looked at the
group, wrote some more notes and sighed again, which she was doing a lot.

"Okay, this is not politics 101, folks, let's please keep that out of
here. Now, Mr. Spender, what is your relationship with your father?"

* * *
Spender took a deep breath. Finally, it was his turn to talk!

"Well- it's my dad- he's a deadbeat."

"A deadbeat," Dr. Vansen said. Slowly. Evenly.

"Yeah, a deadbeat! He ditched me and my mom- and my mom's a cripple, not
to mention a nutjob who thought she was like, first apostle to the aliens,
and she had me believing all that Agent Mulder bullshit-" said Spender,
slowly getting more and more excited.

"We're not talking about Agent Mulder right now, Jeffy," Dr. Vansen said
sharply.

"Jeffrey!" Spender snapped.

"Sorry. Jeffrey-" Dr. Vansen said, correcting herself.

"Well, it all boils down to this- he ditched me and my mom. I mean, Dad-
why?" Spender asked pathetically.

Bob took a drag off his cigarette. Teena rolled her eyes, and snatched the
cigarette away, grinding it into Dr. Vansen's carpet. God damn
psychopaths, Vansen thought bitterly. That was a new carpet!

"Well, Jeffrey," Bob said. "You and your mother were vulnerabilities. A
man like myself can't allow himself to have normal passions, a normal
life-"

"But *Dad*! You left all the sudden- after promising we were going to go
to Disneyland, and a Yankees game- and you were going to buy me hot dogs,
and get me some autographs from the good players- and then, one morning,
you were just *gone*," Spender said, tears welling in his eyes. "Do you
know what that's like, dealing with a missing father and a crazy mother?
Do you?"

"Look, Jeffrey- son-"

"Don't call me son!" Spender snapped, crossing his arms and pouting.

"All right, you spoiled little brat. I had business. I mean, did you want
me to take you along to Teheran, or Beirut, or Argentina? Or perhaps we
could have a fun family vacation to Area 51? Would that have made you
happy, Jeffrey? Hmm?"

Spender said nothing.

"I didn't think so. I made sure the money was there. I was protecting
you-"

"Oh, so you can protect your *son* but not your *daughter*," Teena piped
in. "Was it because Jeffy was a boy and Samantha was a girl?"

"Teena, shut up," Bob said. "I know Jeffrey's my son. The way you got
around, God only knows who Samantha's father is."

"Don't call my mom a slut!" Mulder shouted. "You black-lunged son of a
bitch!"

"Besides, that's the pot calling the kettle black," Teena replied coolly,
"I remember quite a few swinging parties on the Vineyard where you were
scoping out the chicks."

Scully, who had been quietly sobbing in the corner of the couch, suddenly
looked up. She gave her partner the most curious look, as though she were
Alice and had just wandered into Wonderland.

"Your mom did not just say 'scoping out the chicks' about Smoking Man, did
she?" she asked. Her face contorted, and she started giggling
hysterically. "Scopin' out the chicks, Cigarette Smokin' Man."

"Uh-oh," Mulder said. "Dana- Dr. Vansen, I think she just completely and
totally lost it."

"We're not talking about *HER*!" Spender yelled, "It's my turn! ME ME ME!
I'm the little boy whose daddy never took him anywhere! My daddy abandoned
me and now he's trying to make up! Well, guess what, Dad? It's not gonna
be so easy, I'm not just gonna read your stupid letters in the red
envelopes! You're gonna have to acknowledge me, take me to football
games, let me check out those swinging' Consortium parties I've heard so
much about, and you know what would really make me happy?"

"What, Jeffrey?" Dr. Vansen asked.

"I *still* wanna go to Disneyland!" Spender shouted, "I wanna ride Space
Mountain, and twist on the Teacups, and get Mouse ears."

Bob's face twisted in disbelief, then slowly relaxed as he realized
Spender was serious.

"Fine! Fine! I'll take you to Disneyland! We'll go to a football game!
I'll take you to a party! You're really my son! There! Does that make you
happy?"

Jeffrey Spender's face turned all sorts of colors, and he burst into
tears.

"Dad," he said, rushing up to his father and giving him a big hug. "I love
you, Dad."

"You're not getting my Bud Light, Jeffy," Scully called, still giggling.
"Hey, Dr. Vansen- is that what they call a breakthrough?"

Cecilia Vansen nodded. That was all she could do at this point.

* * *
Dr. Vansen started writing furiously: *recommendation: constant injections
of Prozac, then crossed it out and wrote, *recommendation: straitjackets
for everyone, including myself*, then crossed that out and wrote *I'd kill
for those four kids right about now*.

She looked up at the group with a half-smile on her face. "Scully, I think
you're having a breakdown."

Bob hugged his son perfunctorily, afraid of his cigarettes getting wet.
He refused to admit love in front of this group of people. Especially not
Teena, who was glaring at him in a way that made him happy she wasn't
carrying a weapon.

"OK, son, you can go back to your seat now," Bob said, pushing him away
gently. This was ruining his image as evil incarnate.

Spender sniffed loudly and walked back to his seat.

"You're all wimps!" Krycek announced, unbelieving.

Vansen reluctantly turned from the beautiful scene of love and
reconciliation, and toward the smart-mouthed Krycek. "Now, why do you feel
that way?" she asked.

"I had my arm sawed off and I showed less emotion than these people." To
prove his point he removed his prosthetic. Spender screamed shrilly.

"He...beat you...one handed...Mulder?" Scully said in between bursts of
crazed laughter.

"Like he beats himself," Mulder answered without thinking.

"Fox! There are ladies present!" his mom admonished. "And to think I
taught you manners."

"You? A lady?" Scully started laughing again, grabbing onto her mother for
support.

"You used that one already Mulder, having a problem with originality?"
Krycek asked sarcastically, re-attaching the prosthetic.

As usual, Mulder was seized by the desire to beat Krycek into a bloody
pulp. But he was in enough trouble with the group as it was and didn't
want to incur the wrath of his mom, the Scullys, 'Bob,' or Dr. Vansen.

Meanwhile, Vansen noticed someone had slipped out. "Where did
Bill go?" she asked.

Everyone looked over at the empty seat, surprised. "Why does he get to
leave? I wanna leave!" Spender whined.

"Yeah, Scully, can I go? I have leads to follow up on, criminals to catch,
videos to return-" Mulder stood, intending to leave, but Scully was
laughing too hard to answer him

But before anyone could leave, Vansen snapped. She stood and physically
blocked the door. "No one is going *anywhere* until we work out some of
these differences. I want to help you, but I can't do that unless you all
make an effort. You're all going to get along if it kills me."

Everyone heard the unspoken words: "and you."

Mulder sat back down dejectedly. "Anyone bring Snickers?" he asked,
sighing.

* * *
"Snickers really satisfies you," Scully sang, before being hushed by her
mother.

"She's gone batty, hasn't she?" Spender asked.

"Five years in the basement without sex will do that to you," Krycek said.
"Not to mention it's five years in the basement with Mulder. Isn't it
ironic that she finally has her breakdown in therapy?"

"Isn't it ironic- don't you think?" Scully asked. "And I'm not having a
nervous breakdown, god damn it. I'm fine!"

"Denial much?" Krycek asked.

"No, Alicia," Scully replied tartly. "Let's talk about denial, Krycek. You
were an accessory to the murder of my sister. You killed his dad. You
helped arrange that abduction of mine, and you're an all around bad boy.
Of course, you keep denying these allegations, but you know what, Krycek-
you are in need of punishment!"

"Do I get a spanking?" Krycek asked.

"You're sick, Krycek. I'm seriously gonna slap you," Scully said with
disgust.

"Cool! That's a fantasy of mine, you know, doc, to be punished by many
beautiful women- and a couple of nice looking boys," Krycek said, winking
at Mulder, who shrank away from Krycek.

"Enough about the sex, people!" Vansen snapped, "Okay? It's an issue.
Everyone here is either related or has some sort of weird unresolved
sexual tension going. We know. We get it. Now, Krycek, Bob, I keep hearing
these horrible things about you. I need to know- how much of it is true?
And if it is true, why do you do these things? Hurting others hurts you
more in the long run than it hurts the hurtee."

"Say *that* five times fast," Scully said.

"Well, Dr. Vansen," Bob said. "Many of the things I've been accused of are
blatantly untrue, the products of unhinged minds and paranoid
personalities. I mean, look at her!"

"Rosemary- that's for remembrance," Scully was saying. "Pansies-" she
pointed at Spender- "That's for thoughts. Rue- rue for me, and some for
you- but you must wear your rue with a difference."

"That's just like you!" Mulder shouted at 'Bob'. "Deny everything! You've
driven Scully crazy-"

"I'm not crazy!" Scully yelled. "I would you give you some violets, but
they withered all when my father died. They said he made a good end."

"Shut up, I'm making a point!" Mulder shouted back. "You've done these
terrible things, but all you can do is deny, deny, deny- and take your
pansy-boy son to Disneyland! I want the truth! I want some answers!"

For some reason Krycek saw this as a good opening to defend himself.

"Well- I haven't done all the bad things people say I have," Krycek said,
"Our beloved fifth amendment-"

"Doesn't apply to russkies. Spill, commie boy," Mulder commanded.

"Kiss my American ass. As I was saying, the Fifth Amendment gives me the
right to not say what I have done, but I admit, I've been a bad boy. Do
you want to know why?"

"Sure," Mulder said. "Why?"

Vansen had a sudden flashback to a session with Bill and Monica and
Hillary, and hearing the same question and answer spiel come out of their
mouth. Eww- she had to deal with them Friday.

"Well. Here are the reasons. One, doing evil is extremely profitable. I
have millions of dollars hidden in Swiss and Caribbean bank accounts.
Second, the bad guys always dress cooler than the good guys. Always. They
get the bad chicks- and they're always better in bed. Our parties are
better. I mean, come on, good people are boring. Bad people are cool. I
get to do what I want, and no one bugs me. I don't answer to the American
justice system. Nine times out of ten, I come out on top," Krycek said.
"Being a bad guy just rules, okay?"

"Until you become the one-armed man and can no longer get the chicks or
sign your signature to get your millions and all of your clothes hang
wrong and all you rule is your own domain- and it doesn't sound like you
do that very well, Krycek," said Maggie Scully, of all people.

Krycek looked at her for a minute. Tears welled up in his dark eyes, and
his lip started to tremble.

"You're right! Being evil sucks! I'm so sorry for everything- and- and- my
mom and dad would be so mad at me-" Krycek began sniveling. "Can I have a
hug, Mrs. Scully?"

"Oh- my- God," Scully said. "Has the world gone mad?"

* * *
"Well, it's a mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad world Scully," Mulder
cracked, counting in his head how many times he'd said the word mad.

"Say that five times fast." Scully answered. But her attention was on
her mom who was actually hugging Krycek.

Krycek sat back down and wiped his eyes. He took a tissue from Vansen and
sniffled. "Look what you've done to me," he whispered.

"It's not too late for you to turn over a new leaf, Alex. Get a new name,
a new job. What have you always wanted to do?" Maggie asked.

"Rule the world."

"Okay, politics." Maggie said helpfully.

"Mom, you're not actually helping this murderer, are you?" Scully asked,
dumbfounded.

"Dana, everyone deserves a second chance."

"But...but...he was there when Missy was killed!" Scully sputtered.

"Dana, don't be so judgmental. Now Alex, is there anything you want to
tell Dana?" Vansen asked.

"Yes, Scully...I'm sorry you're stuck with such a jerk for a partner."

Vansen was now able to sense when conflict would erupt and put an end to
the conversation as quickly as humanly possible. She turned to Bob and
asked another question. "So, Bob...why do Mulder and Scully feel like
you've committed all these crimes?"

"If people knew the things that I knew, it would all fall apart. I
protect people from the truth for their own good."

"Could you stop being cryptic for a second Bob?" Teena turned towards
Vansen. "Do you know how annoying this is? I ask a simple question like
'how is the weather?' and he replies with 'the truth will never be
found'." She sighed.

Vansen nodded sympathetically.

"Bob, why are you this way with Teena?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why don't you talk to her, really talk to her?"

"I don't want to hear this," Mulder butted in.

"Fox, let them talk," Maggie told him, hoping that Bob and Teena could
work out their differences.

"I'm not listening..." Mulder started humming Shaft to himself.

"I tried to talk to her two years ago and she never thanked me for saving
her life."

"Saving my life?" Teena asked in shock.

"When you had the stroke and were in a coma...I had someone cure you."

Teena looked up at him tenderly. "You did?"

"The thought of you dying. I couldn't allow it."

"Oh Bob..." She touched his hand gently.

"I can't watch this," Mulder stood up and looked at the wall, still
humming Shaft.

"I have something to tell you Teena," Bob said.

"What kind of alternate universe is this?" Scully asked, absolutely
exasperated. Her mom and Krycek were talking quietly, Bob and Teena were
gazing into each other's eyes, Mulder was tapping his foot to nonexistent
music and Spender appeared to have fallen asleep.

* * *
Dr. Vansen was beyond pleased. This group had started tough, but now they
were having breakthroughs left and right. *The human heart really does
want to be healed,* she wrote, *It just needs encouragement and
support...*

"Yes, Bob?" Teena said, looking at him with uncommon fondness. Mulder had
turned back around, and he and Scully were taking turns looking nauseated.

"I just want you to know, I'm sorry about the whole Samantha thing. But,
really, it was much better for her this way. In fact- uh- Samantha's alive
and well, with a husband and kids," Bob said, looking abashed. "I never
wanted to hurt you, Teena- I just wanted-" SNIFF! "To protect our
daughter..."

"Tell me you're not seeing this," Scully muttered to Mulder.

"It's tweaking my psyche as we speak."

"Tweaking your psyche? It's turning my stomach. It's worse than Springer's
Final Thought," Scully said.

"You watch Jerry Springer?"

As they spoke, the Cigarette Smoking Man's eyes began to water, and, under
Dr. Vansen's watchful gaze, he actually began to cry.

"This is pretty bleeped up, right here," Mulder said. "So you want to do
the kiss and cry thing so we can get out of here and buy a few rounds of
drinks, Scully?"

"No," Scully said. "Mom, let Krycek go! He's probably packing deadly
weapons. And Mrs. Mulder- are you really that hard up that you'd forgive
this- evil, twisted piece of filth?"

"You've never slept with him, obviously," Teena said. Mulder blushed.

"More than we needed to know," Vansen said.

"I wanna ride the pony!" Spender cried out in the middle of his nap.

"Are Mulder and I the only sane people in this room?" Scully asked,
standing up, hands on hips. "I have some deep, unforgivable issues with
several people here- the crazy ones, mostly."

"As I recall," Krycek said, reluctantly giving up his place on Maggie's
shoulder- "You're the one who had a nervous breakdown- or do the words
'You're not getting my Bud Light' mean anything to you?"

"Dr. Vansen?" Scully asked, hopeful.

"Dana, I'm sensing bitterness. You need to realize that if you don't
forgive, your victimization will come to own you and you'll give up your
personhood for victimhood as you're consumed by unforgiving."

Scully looked at Mulder. "What the hell did she just say?" she whispered
to him.

"Kiss and cry and we can go home, Scully," Mulder replied in the same low
voice.

"I'm not touchin' Krycek."

"Neither am I."

"I thought-"

"Scully, come on. We can discuss issues till dawn, without the creepshow
around- come on- kiss and cry. Have a breakthrough."

"You make it sound so sordid," she said, rolling her eyes. A little of
that Alice-on-XTC madness was still in her system, what the hell.

"Well? Ms. Scully?" Vansen asked, giving her pleading looks.

* * *
Scully looked over at Mulder, closed her eyes and reluctantly gave in. She
blinked a few times, bit her lip and started to speak. "I...need to go to
the bathroom." She didn't wait for an answer and bolted out of the room.
Once outside the room she leaned against the wall and gave a sigh of
relief.

"Okay," she murmured to herself. "Now I'll get Mulder out of there." Part
of her was tempted to ditch him, but he was her partner, and he certainly
needed her help.

Meanwhile, Mulder looked around the room, hoping for an alien abduction.
His mom and the black lunged bastard were close to kissing, Krycek was
admitting all his sins to Maggie Scully, who was still hugging him.
Spender was still sleeping and Vansen was looking at him like he was the
main course at a psychology dinner.

Spender let out a "Whee! Dumbo!" in his sleep.

"So, Mulder, have anything you want to discuss?" asked Vansen, pen ready.

At that moment, his cell phone went off. "Mulder-"

"It's me, don't say a word. Pretend I'm Skinner and you have to see him
right away."

"Yes, sir." Mulder answered, somehow keeping himself from laughing. He
pressed END on the cell phone.

"Dr. Vansen?"

"Yes?"

"Assistant Director Skinner wants to see me and Scully ASAP. We have to
leave." Mulder picked up the coats and Scully's pocketbook. He wasn't
sure what to say to the rest of the room so waved slightly and ran out the
door. Scully sat in the waiting room, smiling.

"I owe you one, Scully." He handed her the pocketbook and coat.

"I'll add it to your tab." She smiled slightly. "Oh and I think it would
be a good idea if we never discussed this...ever."

"I couldn't agree more." He shuddered, just thinking about his mom and
the smoking man.

Scully looked back at the room they had just left. "I no longer fear
death."

"Why?" Mulder asked, deadpan.

"We just went through hell." They left the building.

In the room, conversation was nonexistent. Vansen glanced over her notes,
which made no sense whatsoever and looked at her watch. Thank God, the
session was over.

"Time's up," she announced, forcing herself to smile at everyone leaving.
Once they left, she slumped down in her chair and wrote herself one more
note *Note: If any of these people call again, change the number*. She
started giggling hysterically.

Spender woke up. "Where did everyone go?"

She took a long look at him and then broke in more hysterical laughter.

Dana is a siren, quite unconsciously, but she is. The men who hand-groomed
her to work with Agent Mulder understood this. Light shines in the dark. Dana
shines in the world. Mulder was supposed to wreck himself over her. But
Mulder is a law unto himself, and I respect him. An island in a sea of
corruption.

I'm trying to explain something quite simple, you know. But it's complicated
by links, characters, intricate plots, and evil men.

I'm sleeping with her. I'm in love with her. That is the simple part. The bare
facts. Everything else-- a mess. A mass of confusion.

It was during her cancer. That's simple. She was sick and dying and Mulder
was impossible. I have nothing but respect for Mulder usually-- but he was an
idiot. She was dying-- she didn't need distance (for whatever good reasons he
had). She needed to know he cared. Idiot.

I found her crying in a hallway one afternoon. It was after the case
involving the dead girl in the bowling alley. Scully was so embarassed to get
caught in tears. I don't know what I did, or even what I said. I do know I
invited her to dinner, as a friend, as someone who was worried, as someone
who cared. I've asked her a thousand times what exactly it was.

"You had what I needed," Dana tells me. "Companionship. Honesty.
Kindness."

I bite my lips at that. She doesn't realize I'm in love with her, that I'd
fall into Hell for her. She doesn't realize she inspires the ultimate from
everyone. She doesn't even trust me.

I understand why. We started our affair right when the cancer got much worse.
Mulder could never be the betrayer. They like to work from the inside. It
made sense I could be against her. But it still hurt to catch my lover and
see hatred color her eyes. That hiss still haunts my nightmares--

"You...."

And worse, it was Mulder who absolved me. Dana, my lover, she made me their
straw target. Mulder saved my life. I owed him. I owed him for my safety, but
more importantly, for her life. I owed him because his partner, his whole
heart, was in my bed.

She didn't break it off after she got better. I thought she would over a
dinner, in control. Dana Scully's strength is in control. She and I chose to
have a quiet, controlled affair. We'll end it the same way. No matter how
much it hurts.

God help me, thinking about her stirs all my desires. I've stolen some
moments of joy. I even feel a little content knowing she's not unhappy. I
haven't actively hurt her, unlike Mulder. The man is willfully blind. The day
he gets a clue, I'll lose it all. I know who Dana Scully loves.

Maybe I should end it. She loves my honesty. I should tell her, "Dana, I love
you. But you love Mulder. Go to him. Tell him that. If he says no, I'm always
here."

Always there. Her safety net.

This is bullshit. I don't want to be stuck in this limbo when I know. I know a
lot of things, though, and they're all contradictions.

I believe in duty and honor and justice. I think there is a principle of right
in the world, and I want to uphold it. But holding on to Scully contradicts
everything, like this, anyway. Because it's not above-board. That makes it
dangerous. A loaded gun.

I don't fear for myself. It's Scully I'm worried about. Insinuating her so
deeply into Mulder's psyche, maybe even into mine has made her the trump
card. I have to let her go. I have to do my duty to mankind, even if it's
futile. There are larger issues than one ex-Marine who loves one precious,
perfect woman...

I can't. I'm not ready to give her up. Not yet. I will. I have to. I will.

Phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Can I come over?"

"Anytime."

"Thank you."

She hangs up.

My love for her is killing me. I have to stop this. I will. I have to. I will.

Soon.

END

STORY:

It's hard to be a career woman of the nineties. There are so many
contradictions, so many rules to be made and broken at the same time, and
when you're in a boy's club like the FBI, sometimes you only have your
dreams to sustain you.

And when you're living my life, sometimes those dreams have to get a
little insane.

"Good morning, Agent Fowley," Chuck the security guy says, just like he
does every morning. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the first four
minutes of my arrival on the job, walking through the metal detector,
saying hello to Agent Marple on the elevator, even watching everyone get
off the elevator and leave me alone to continue my descent further and
further into the basement. Getting off the elevator is okay, too. But then
I open the door to--

"Dad says that I can take the FBI car and go get my hair done," Agent
Jeffrey Spender announces prissily. Okay, so he doesn't really say that,
but he might as well. Dad says everything. Dad says Jeff's in charge. Dad
says that Jeffy is the smartest FBI agent in the entire world--

One day, Dad is going to come downstairs and his ass is going to meet my
foot. I walk over and notice Spender doesn't have the common decency to
make enough coffee for two. I growl, very quietly of course, start up
another pot of coffee, and start daydreaming.

"Dad says that I can take the FBI car and go shopping and I get to use his
credit card. But you have to stay here and do work, but don't do anything
that'll make me look bad," Spender says, slicking back his hair. I smile
at him.

"I'll be right on that, Jeff," I say, reaching in my purse. "Jeff, did you
ever realize that you and I have different fathers?"

Jeff nods. "But my dad is in charge of the FBI."

I pull out my throwing stars and start throwing. The first one gives young
Jeffrey a flat-top. The next two pin him to the wall, and the last one
comes this close from pulling a Bobbit. And now I have a Spender pinned to
the wall, whimpering.

"So what?" I ask. "With a flick of my wrist, I could alter your whole
existance. Think about that, young Jeffrey. Think long and hard."

Then usually I leave him pinned up there while I get coffee and croissants
and when I return, he's begging me to teach him good manners (no, not
that-- I swear, keep out of the gutter!) and has renounced Dad for good.

"Agent Fowley, are you with us this morning?" the real, endlessly annoying
Jeff Spender asks.

"Coffee first," I say with a hopefully tolerant smile. "Good morning,
Agent Spender."

As usual, we try and fail not to fight about which cases are important and
which cases Jeff wants to file "indefinitely" meaning they go into his
brand-new nifty-rama shredder. Whoever gave him that for Christmas ought
to be drug out into the street and shot.

"Agent Spender! This is NOT political!" I shout finally. "This is a crime
and it quite probably involves a case of lycanthropy. Whatever stick up
your ass is motivating you to say that the mauling of four people is
unimportant, I suggest you remove it and focus on the facts."

He stares at me. I'd stare at me too, if I could. That should not have
come out of my mouth, but it felt good. Maybe I'm possessed. More likely,
the coffee is drugged. Or maybe, just maybe I snapped a little and let the
truth slip out.

"I--" and he stares at me. "I-- well. I guess we should, um, look at this
before filing it away indefinitely."

It worked. That's just scary. I nod and sit down, sipping more coffee.
After agreeing to investigate the case, Spender escapes to lunch and I
escape to my favorite fantasy.

I get to go home to my apartment, exhausted after a long day's work. When
I unlock the door, I hang my coat on the rack and call out, with all my
heart-- "Honey, I'm home!"

And I get a vision that beats sugarplums. There's Fox, wearing his best
worn Levi's, the sort that hug the ass and are frayed in all the right
spots. Over that, he's got one of those moody-boy black turtlenecks. And
over that, he's got the cutest little apron. There's nothing goofy on it,
it's just a red-and-white checkered gingham apron spotted with grease.

"Hey, Diana," Fox says in his best happy voice. "I'm making Cajun-Creole
tonight. Crawfish etouffee, red beans and rice, crusty French loaf bread,
and bread pudding with rum sauce."

"Aww, Fox," I say, giving him a little kiss on the cheek. "You didn't have
to go to all this trouble."

"Of course I did!" he says with little boy cuteness. "I did it for you!
All for you!"

He's too sweet. I throw my arms around him and cover him with kisses. He
hugs me back, the sweetest thing.

"You make me feel brand-new," I say. "You really do."

I realize that the coffee in my mug is cold now. I realize that I'm alone
in the office, and there's just me and my dreams and I'm hungry. I gotta
get lunch.

I walk in the cafeteria and right into Dana Scully. She's a sight for sore
eyes, in her black pantsuit and tight blue tee-top. She looks young again,
she looks like that girl I heard about in the Academy, a little straight
arrow. I suggested her to the committee when I took off. I figured she'd
teach Fox the importance of keeping facts and records, then she'd run off.

Silly me, stupid me. She and I nod at each other rather curtly, and I get
lunch. I'm not so worried any more about eating diet food and keeping my
girlish figure. Life is short and there's something about food, glorious
food-- even FBI cafeteria food...

"Ma chere Mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure
that we welcome you tonight," the maitre d' (who did sort of look like a
personified candle) said. "And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up
a chair as the dining room proudly presents - your din