Her cucumbers, bananas, carrots and sausages are so fucking jealous right now...

Let's talk about something incredibly seductive for a moment here.

A woman smoking.

Such a contradiction in terms because, honestly, I find smoking to be disgusting. But I've got to admit that there's times when the sight of a beautiful woman taking a drag off of a cigarette is just one of those powerful images that knocks me on my ass. Is it an oral thing? Am I subconsciously substituting a penis between her lips instead of that long thin cancer stick? I don't know. I doubt it, but I don't know.

Something about not just a woman smoking but anyone smoking, especially when they're alone, just says power. It speaks of a small rebellion, even if it's an inconsequential one. A solitary withdrawal and a strength inside. With no words at all, a long drag can say a deep, quiet fuck you from either the loner or the playful trickster.

With the exception of Mr. Live Fast, Die Young, you'll notice that the pictures I've used here are the classic image of a woman with a cigarette. Just holding it. One arm tucked around themselves, the other dangling the cigarette nonchalantly. Not taking a drag from it. What does that imply? What is the hidden symbolism there? What is that memetic idea that keeps us drawing from that well?

No idea, and again, I don't want to tear it apart. I'm not sure I want to find it's hidden meaning. I think I just want to enjoy it and be drawn into it's sway.

My first video for you today is titled "Smoking Doggy Stylie," and it's one of the hottest you'll ever see. It simply is just a woman laying over a bed, smoking, talking about smoking, and a man behind her, fucking her doggystyle and asking her about her smoking. You never see the man's face, and you don't need to. He'd only ruin it because the bewitching young woman absolutely commands your attention for roughly 13 minutes of your life that you'll gladly sacrifice to her. Hers is dark magic that inveigles you masterfully as she's bent over her altar performing her rituals. Click on that link only if you want to be captivated.

The next video, entitled "Nice smoking hand job" is far less enticing, but quite possibly could've been in it's original form. Somebody took another video, cut it down to a less than a minute clip, put a Tweet song about smoking over it and completely drained it of it's magic. The woman is in full swing ice blonde femme fatale mode, almost as much as the dark haired beauty in our first clip. I think the most fascinating aspect of this clip, the thing that makes me desperately want to see it's original iteration is complete disinterest she seems to hold for the man's cock that she's jerking off. Like I said, something about the cigarette, if smoked right, isolates you majestically. It puts you in a place that others are desperate to get to, even if it is completely damaging.

Now, that's not to say that, like everything, smoking can't be done wrong, because oh  yes, it can:

Seriously, seriously wrong.

"A pink lung is a wasted lung," an old coworker of mine always used to tell me. He was 22 and couldn't run without nearly passing out and coughing up green shit the size of a catcher's mitt. His teeth were bright yellow and his breath smelled like nuclear waste. He started smoking when he was 12, given his first cigarette by his father. His mother smoked when she was pregnant with both him and his sister, he emphatically stated. And besides, "when I die," he told me, "I want to be sick, not healthy." I probably should've respected his fierce independence and his quite frankly American right to be that spectacularly stupid. But I won't bullshit you: I didn't then and I don't know. "You're probably going to get your wish in the next few years," I told him.

All I'm saying is: Ladies, I hope you don't smoke. Healthy is a good look, even if smoking is so undeniably sexy at times.

And until next time, here's to the smoke that gets in your eyes.

Author Mike Perry's enthusiasm in presenting a stunning array of working designers' hand-drawn type and brief overviews of those same folks work is absolutely contagious. I am obsessed with this book right now and it inspired me to spend an afternoon drawing, doodling and brainstorming at a coffee shop like the dork I am. Happily I had over ten drawings and a big set of fresh ideas for new prints and design solutions.

Chock full of awesome.

Y un Video bien sexy:

I have been following The Real World franchise since it's grainy, poorly lit inception over 16 years ago.  And while I have been pretty adamant about the recent decline of civilization in the last few Real World houses, I realized last night that I have been overlooking a very important fact that has undoubtedly bended my perception over the years.  I've grown up.

See, I still consider The Real World: Seattle the undisputed high water mark of MTV programming.  My memories of the show are filled with authentic interactions between dynamic people in real-life circumstances.  There is no doubt that these memories may be entirely accurate.  An equally likely scenario, though, is that at the time the series aired I was a 14 year dork who didn't even know what "authentic interactions," "dynamic people," and "real-life circumstances" actually were.

It is pretty easy to impress a middle schooler who had just recently gotten drunk for the first time and found a stack of porno mags in the woods by Mill Pond with a few well blocked scenes of good-looking, college-aged people working at a radio station and smoking cigarettes.  But convincing someone entering their mid-twenties that a loser like Parisa could have a viable career as a singer?  Not as simple.

That's the strange thing about people on The Real World.  You keep getting older, they stay the same age. Even on the challenges - where the cast members are ostensibly aging at the same rate as the viewers - they might as well be frozen in carbonite the minute filming wraps on their original season.  As Tanya demonstrates time and time again, no matter how much someone talks about the changes they have made in their life, they will always be the same person that was living with those six roommates in that major metropolitan city.

Maybe the shows aren't, actually, getting more absurd in premise and trite in execution.  Maybe the whole enterprise seems stupider because I have gotten older, more experienced, and, well, smarter.

With that in mind, I queued this week's episode up on my DVR with a willful suspension of disbelief and tried to imagine myself as an impressionable middle schooler who knew as little as possible about normal human interaction.  So when the show started with a fight over fish that led to Robin breaking down in tears and an explosive argument between Johnny and KellyAnne that I can only assume was over who planned to cook dinner that evening, I took it in stride.

And you know what?  I am not sure if it was my sociological experiment or if this episode was actually better than the rest, but I am starting to feel like this season may be turning a corner.

The fight between Robin and Johanna about the latter's current (and former's former) relationship with Kenny actually advanced the plot by drawing a line in the sand between Robin, an erstwhile member of ruling class, and the power brokers of this particular season.  And Rachel's calculating and diabolical scheming was as impressive as anything I have seen so far, including KellyAnne's unexpected victory on those parallel bars.

For the first time in 3 episodes I can accurately say that the events during the first 45 minutes cohesively led to a climactic final scene.  I mean, I was on the edge of my seat during the elimination vote.  When Rachel tipped her hand while pleading her case, a wave of panicked suspense washed over me as I tried to figure out if "The Family" (the moniker Kenny created for his alliance with Johnny, Paula, Johanna, and, less explicitly, Dunbar and Derek) would realize what she was saying and have the sense to go back on their word to vote Robin off the show.

After all the times I chastised Jen for making premature overstatements since her first day in Denver, here I am hypocritically rushing to pass judgment on an entire season after only 2 hours of programming.  Shame on me.  I am not going to crown anything just yet, but this is the first time in three weeks that I will be able to rest easy knowing that the mopes at MTV might actually know what they are doing.

We were super honored to find out last week that we were included in Mike Perry's most recent book on hand-drawn pattern-making, Over and Over (Princeton Architectural Press, 2008). When we saw the pre-publication announcements, we put the new book on our wish list, but lo and behold, we're actually in it! We couldn't be more thrilled. Like MP's last book, Hand Job: A Catalog of Type, this one is chock full of inspiration, insight, and awesomeness from cover to cover.

Anyway, lately my friend has gotten passed the line of friendly (to say that nicely). We've always caressed each other's ass, a friendly grope to the chest, bitten breasts, dry humped each other as we pass, imitated sex acts etc etc. Anyway, she's been playing with my ass a bit too much lately and even tried to get me to change with her in the bathroom on several occassions. I'm not saying I wouldn't, I've done it before with the other girl we work with. We've commented on each other's tattoos and body size. Again, I'm a plus size girl (18/20) and she's super skinny (size 26 jeans), beautiful rocker chick with the half sleeve tattoos, multiple peircings, rockstar boyfriend etc. We're all pretty friendly and the guys in the kitchen LOVE it. There's even a warning to all new staff who start that there's alot of girl on girl sexual contact that happens, all in fun of course. Hubby seems to ask me alot about work and wishes I would take a video camera and film us fooling around....fat chance! I always joke to the guys that we should film it and call it "Cooks Gone Wild! *******'s Edition". I'm hiding the name of the restaurant for legal reasons! If only the customers knew what was happening behind those walls as we prepare their food! HAHAHA!

Anyway, all of this (especially the bite marks that last for days) has fueled Hubby's sexual fire and he fantasizes about it when I'm at work. Imagining what we're all doing to each other. Since we barely see each other he always leaves a voicemail on my cell phone, which is nice. Or he'll whisper things to me while I'm half asleep when he crawls into bed and molests me.....only to pass out and snore in my ear...A for effort Hubby, A for effort! The other day I had to work in the evening so we relaxed on the bed to watch The Hills Have Eyes....not the most romantic movie I know. With only 30 minutes left (we skipped the rape scene because I can't handle it) Hubby turned to me and cuddled into my chest. I knew what he wanted...obviously! I played off like I didn't want it, which only makes him want it more. Best part was, I was freshly showered and shaved. Hubby & I made out for a bit until I told him to stand up so I could suck his cock. He quickly stood to attetion, in more than one way lol, and I went to work. In about 30 seconds I had him wanting to cum so he pulled me up and pushed me down on the bed to eat my pussy. I admit, I thought about the girls a few times...what woman hasn't thought about women during sex??
Hubby's tongue was so soft against my clit. He'd push my ass up so he could tongue-fuck me and rim my asshole. I jumped each time, it felt amazing, it always does. Hubby went on for what seemed like hours. I was begging for him to stop so we could fuck. He kept rolling his tongue in circles over my clit, over and over again. His hands keeping a good grip on my legs and pushing on them to get a better view of my ass. In my head I was screaming for him to finger fuck me while he ate my pussy but I knew that would make me cum and I wanted to save it for his cock! I wanted him so bad and he knew it!

Hubby let go of my legs and climbed up on the bed. Kissing up my body, stopping to suck and nibble on my nipples, he finally wanted to have sex (yay!). He teased me a bit with his cock with me still on my back, he threw my legs up on his chest and thrusted his cock deep into my pussy. I was so wet, I could feel it dripping down my ass. I felt so tight, his cock was so swollen. Nothing felt the same. I honestly felt like I was having sex with a complete stranger. He kissed me and I teased him with my tongue, not letting him kiss me and licking the inside of his top lip. Hubby let his teeth get in the way of our kisses, gently biting my lips as we kissed. He knew I wanted to be in control and I told him I wanted to be on top. I love how I can go as fast and deep as I want to and control how excited he gets. I got on top and he pretended to try and bite my breasts as I arranged my body on his. Instantly his cock was inside me. We both gasped and moaned from how good it felt. I rode him soft for a few minutes, enjoying every thrust. Hubby was holding my ass and breast, sucking my nipple as we fucked. It felt so weird, not a bad weird but like there was something off. We fucked fast, hard and deep for awhile. The sweat was rolling off our bodies and making our skin sticky. I was cumming so hard, I had to bite my lip several times to stop myself from screaming. I knew he could feel it on his cock, his grip on my body was tightening the more I came. Didn't take long after the first one to have another, a nice soft orgasm to follow the first. I called out for him to fuck me and I felt him thrust from underneath. Both hands on my ass and his eyes fixed on mine. I rolled off him and he got on top, both of my legs on his arms and he fucked me deep. He was right on my G-Spot again, it felt too good. I wanted it hard, I wanted it to hurt, Hubby bit my nipple and slapped the outside of my leg. He told me to roll over so he could fuck me and finger my ass. I rolled over, he straddled one leg and the other was up bent off to the side. He teased my ass with his cock for a second, then proceeded to fuck my cunt while finger fucking my ass. Mmmmm I love that combination. I was just coming up to my third orgasm when I knew Hubby was going to cum. He pulled out and shot his hot cum all over my ass and lower back. That alone was a big turn on for me.

After we were done collecting ourselves on the bed, I looked at the clock and realized I had to be at work in 20 minutes...so it was off to the shower and off to work. I had a shit eating grin on my face for about....an hour then all hell broke lose and I was pissed....but I still kept it in the back of my mind and teased my very horny co-worker (the lesbian). She in turn, teased me back by playing with my ass and actually caressing my asshole....another turn on for Hubby but we're not able to have sex again just yet. 

To be continued!

Anyway, we sat on our balcony and smoked...since we never smoke in our house. He followed me to the bedroom and stripped soooo fast. We lay on the bed, facing each other, just smiling. We were so happy just to spend time together, it started to feel like we were married again. (Since Hubby has been working graveyard shifts, I've been a bit depressed and felt alone all the time....it's been a hard couple of days).

Hubby grabbed me and pulled me close. We were kissing so fast and hard, we could hardly breathe. Hubby wrapped my leg around his waist and started to rub his cock on my clit. It was so hot in our bedroom, the sweat was forming on our faces already. Hubby rolled me on top of him and thrusted his hips so his cock would still rub my clit while I was on top, kissing him. I rolled my hips just once, and he was in. I let out a gasp, Hubby moaned. I was really uncomfortable, to be completley honest. I felt like we both weren't really into it and Hubby kept telling me everything was fine and that it felt great. I kept going and re-adjusted my hips so my clit would be rubbed everytime I moved. Didn't take me long to cum and my god I needed to. I rolled Hubby over and on top of me...MMMMM just thinking about it gives me that funny feeling in my stomach. Hubby put my legs on his arms and rolled my body back a bit so he was fucking me deeper. He started fucking me harder, deeper...I could hear that slapping sound and still, I wanted it harder. I was moaning so loud at this point, I wanted to pull my hair out and scream. It was just a quickie but my god, it felt so good. I kept saying "fuck me!" but all I could think of was how badly I wanted him. Just a few moments later, Hubby came.

After we were done and wiped off, Hubby had a few minutes before he had to go to work. He was drained, completely exhausted. He was walking out the door and said that he was sorry if sex wasn't as good as it usually as.....I turned to Hubby, shrugged my shoulders and said
"Oh well, I got mine"
He laughed, gave me a kiss, told me to have a good sleep and walked out the door.
I couldn't help but think that I really did use him last night. I wanted sex so bad and he was there. I know he's my husband and all but still, I could have just pulled out the sex toys and put a porno on. But nothing beats my Hubby...absolutely nothing.

So anyway, we went and rented two movies (Doomsday & Never Back Down) and put Little One down for his nap after lunch. Hubby watched Never Back Down while I slipped in and out of consciousness (hung over). I woke up and asked for sex Hubby laughed at me and said I was dreaming and that I needed to wake up. He started to tickle me and attempted to wrestle. I quickly climbed on top and started to kiss him. He fought back a little bit but I knew he had it all planned out. He was already half hard by the time I was straddling him. Kinda nice not to have to try lol. I headed off to the bathroom and he slipped his boxers off and waited for me to come back. As soon as I came back we started up again. Hubby was lightly scratching me up and down my back, spanking me and pinching my nipples. We kept kissing, it wasn't the hard passionate kissing we'd been doing for awhile now, it was nice, slow, loving kisses. I switched things up for a bit and kept my orgasm very quiet. I've been chatting with the lady downstairs and she always cracks jokes about loud sex in the afternoon lol. Anyway, Hubby commented on how strange that orgasm was and I quickly explained myself before I got too into it again. I stopped dead in my tracks and told Hubby I wanted him on top so he could pound me, I didn't care if it hurt, I wanted it as hard as he could fuck me. He delivered! lol.

We tried a new position this afternoon...definately an interesting one. Leg Glider but we did a little spin on it. Also Pirate's Bounty...never heard of this one either but it's good. He was pounding me so hard in Leg Glider and he was turned a bit. I could reach around and play with his asshole while he fucked me and fingered mine. Hubby loves it when I play with his ass. Hubby pounded me so hard, hard enough to make my hips want to break apart LOL. We then switched to a little bit of Rear Entry  but one leg would be under Hubby as he straddled it and the other would be bent up to the side. Hubby finished off and I really wished he came inside me. I LOVE that feeling of feeling his hard cock throbbing inside my pussy.

Am I the only one?

Hubby pulled me close and kissed me, rubbing his hands all over my back and ass. I reluctantly wrapped my arms around him and kissed back, lightly scratching his back. We pulled away to wash up, he rubbed my back, I rubbed his. I stood under the shower head and he caressed my breasts and shoulders. I asked if he wanted to stand under the shower, he said yes but I had other things in mind. I got down on my knees and started to suck his dick. He couldn't stop moaning, I wasn't sure if it was the hot water or the blowjob lol. He grabbed my head and started fucking my face. I was bobbing up and down and massaging his balls, stopping to lick every now and then. We mutually agreed to step out of the shower and meet in the bedroom. We both dried off and headed into our dark room. As soon as I lay on the bed he pulled me close, kissing me passionately, legs locked together, he caressed my body and lightly spanked me.

His kisses were so passionate and deep, makes me so excited just to think about it again. He whispered in my ear "would you like me to lick your pussy?". Who am I to turn that down? I replied "yes, but you have to stop when I tell you to stop". Hubby is awsome at licking pussy but I would much rather have my first big orgasm on his cock than on his face.....no offence Hubby I've told you this many times. He was driving me insane, a good insane. His soft intimate kisses and licks....mmmmmmmm.........the nibbles and sucks....oohhh ya! After about 10 minutes or so, Hubby came up to my level and teased me with the head of his penis. We rolled over and I was on top (yay!) I love how tight my pussy gets when I'm on top. Hubby held onto my ass while I rode him, I was leaned forward so my tits were in his face. Hubby let go of my ass and grabbed my tits, devouring my nipples in his mouth. Oh, that sends chills down my spine. He pulled me closer again and kissed me, I sucked on his tongue imitating a blow job and I'm pretty sure that drove him wild. I rode him faster and harder, his hands gripping my ass again. I could feel my orgasm building, Hubby began to talk dirty to me
"You like that big cock in your pussy?"
"Fucking ride me whore"
"You gonna cum for me, my dirty girl?"
Same old stuff....Hubby if you're reading this please think of something new..Sorry. My pussy couldnt' stop throbbing, my hands were gripping the bedsheets pulling at them in my fists. Hubby was thrusting from underneath again, this time he was groaning and moaning while I came. He pulled me closer to kiss me again, light little kisses while he thrusted from underneath. I hadn't stopped moaning from cumming, it seemed as if it plateaued but didn't stop since it wasn't long before I was cumming again. Hubby started to play with my ass, driving me further over the edge. I was begging for Hubby to cum inside me, I wanted his throbbing cock so much. I demanded he be on top of me, right now!

Hubby & I positioned ourselves so he was on top and I was on my back. He propped one of my legs up by his shoulder and started fucking me deep. O god it was great! He was making short, shallow thrusts, which is something we never do since it never did anything for me in the past. MY GOD! This time it was amazing!!!!! His cock is so big and I love it when he's on top after I cum. MMMMMMM YUM! Soon Hubby propped up my other leg on his other arm and started fucking me deeper but in short thrusts. I was insane at this point, writhing underneath him, begging for him not to stop, still begging for him to cum inside me. I knew Hubby was going to pull out and cum all over me, he always loves the cum shots in porn and it's always his goal to hit me in the face or tits from far away...strange man. Anyway, Hubby whispered that he loved me as he was fucking me, I wanted to scream that I loved him too but I knew I had to be quiet...ish.
I could feel another orgasm just about to start when Hubby pulled out and came all over my stomach. I knew by the sounds of his orgasm that it was a big one. Afterwards, we actually laid in bed beside each other trying to catch our breath. We were both astonished by how good it was and were commenting on new things we'd done.

MMMMMM it was soooo good!

I was nervous and I was in love that I even told the receptionist my boyfriend was coming. He was there in 15 minutes.

What did we do at the hotel room? Why was he with me and why did he ask me to go there in the first place?

Is it wrong to say something happened when:

a.  He kissed me with his tongue for countless times.

b. He unhooked my bra while we kissed.

c. He removed my pants and undies. He licked my pussy and only stopped when I told him it hurt. It was my first time.

d. He put my hand to his dick.

e. I did him a hand job. He told me i was doing it well while his eyes were closed. and he seemed to be enjoying.

f. Asked him why his wasn't wet. He said "it will be wet when it's inside you."

g. Told him I was wet and he fingered me. Then he said "It turns me on that you're so wet." We kissed while he fingered me.

h. Told him I want him and that kinda made him hot.

i. he kissed and licked my ears.

j. he kissed and licked and sucked my breasts.

k. Smiling, he asked "you think you can handle this?" He then showed me how huge it was. He spread my legs apart and went on top of me.

l. we were moaning...we said i love yous. he said "I'm coming."

m. he stopped for a while and looked at me and at my body. He said, "you look so damn good." and then I was on top of him. I got scared everytime he tried putting it in. I felt it through my ass.

n. Cupping my breasts, he said "You're too tight joan."

o. I did him a blow job, but knew i didn't do it well.  I sucked at it! 

p. then we cuddled and kissed and kissed and cuddled.

- Loser declared nothing happened between us to save his face. I was spotting for a week after March 22. I was diagnosed with Post Coital Vaginal Laceration. My OB Gyne said this is usually experienced after a woman's first coital. If we didn't have sex, what did we have then?